Binge does not = bones

Is it weird that when i went to the Halloween store today, this was the most appealing costume to me.. by FAR?!

image

Feeling suicidal after the 3 bakery muffins i ate from Albertsons today, they were blueberry and topped in crystal sugar. Prob 550 cals each. What’s wrong w me, why do I keep eating?
Not actually suicidal bec I live at home and am constantly around my bro but good god if I lived on my own…

image

xo
AB

Advertisements

Crumble cake

I love that shit lately. Crumble top coffee cake.
But hey I’m depressed. I’ve been eating ferociously today and yesterday, in anticipation of upcoming social events. Both of which I ended up bailing on bec I felt too fat to go. Like I just shot myself in the foot: I knew I had two social things to go to, so I stressed that they’d see fat me and fat thunder thighs, so I kept eating more and more food (any food I could get my hands on, but also sugar stuff like choc chip muffins) and I didn’t work out yesterday or today… And just kept eating. And then I decided no way did I want to go out to the first one bec the guys would see my fat ass legs. And then the next morning I didn’t want to go to yoga before the girl is suuuper skinny and she would notice my fat assness. Fucking a.

image

Yep those r the whale thighs. I store my fat in my thighs only and a little in my butt but I generally try to work that out, so it goes away pretty quick.

So I never stick to any diets, because I immediately think starving my body is unhealthy. And I think that binge eating IS healthy bec its all whole food, like Greek yogurt, apples, walnuts, cereal… Stuff that provides whole nutrients for my body. Its true, that’s what I’ve been believing. That its OK to binge eat, although I feel fat and my stomach protrudes out soo far after eating.
What do I do?

I thought of liquid only diet but my brother would notice. He always calls me out on talking unhealthily. The truth is I feel depressed bec I feel alone. I am not getting enough love in my life. So I eat. But anyway, I guess I can stop caring what ppl think and tell them hey I love you but I’m gonna do what I want and u do what u want, and don’t tell me what to do.

image

Lolol

Sigh. I need serious help on having a consistent routine where I eat very little.

xo
AB

Am I Social Yet?

Waddup y’all sooo it’s been awhile!
With the exception of the depressing weekend where I first binge ate cookies and then spent the next two days sleeping so that I could avoid eating (with the help of some nice sleeping pills), life has otherwise been good! Life is only good when I socialize though. I’ve always walked around with these labels I put on myself as being “socially awkward” or “afraid of people”. (Hey as a child, I truly was afraid of saying hello to my own friends, unless they said it first).
IMG_1980.JPG
Aah yes, a pretty girl so alone and shy

But bec I felt I was antisocial, I often tried to convince myself that I preferred being alone to spending time with people. But when I actuallyyyy consciously observed myself and my moods… I’m always so DAMN happy after I spend time with my friends! Or after I have meaningful talks with strangers. Liiiike can’t ignore the signs, yo. I guess I’m not actually better when alone. I’m better when surrounded by people!

IMG_1981.JPG
Anddd with friends, don’t they look so much happier?!

IMG_1982.JPG
Or model friends, as the case may be. Who knew they were bests?

So my mom and I went to a meetup.com bonfire at the beach last night, it was a full moon bonfire, and it was the first time I’ve ever been to a meetup group! So I wanted to instinctively go for the cop-out in my head of: “yea I’m socially awkward, I won’t have fun at this”. I voiced this to my mom. She said, create a possibility for yourself at this meetup. What possibilities would you like to create for yourself here?
Oh my mom is so wise. Anyway, a possibility I could create could have been: I’d like to meet a stranger. Or I’d like to get someone’s number. Or I’d like to have a conversation with someone. But I stated getting afraid and just blocked these all out of my mind. But we kept walking up to the group, and after my mom said a few words to some people next to us, we decided to just stand there In the circle, and soon enough, people came up to us! The conversation was awkward and forced at first, but it was okay because I decided that I would allow the other people to carry the conversation for once. I wasn’t gonna be the damn entertainment of the night, like usual, I was gonna let them entertain me!!

IMG_1975.JPG

I ended up having a convo w a guy I actually thought was cute (until 2 minutes in when he asked me what type of car I have and if I share it with anyone, like maybe my mom for instance?) and we went in the ocean together at 9 at night! While this other random drunken guy in his like 50s held my shirt for me and watched us go in haha he was like just happy in his own drunken world. And the cute guy asked for my number, but i have to say he lost his cuteness because his face actually got scary looking when he smiled, it was like a weird forced smile. and the convo did not flow at all. It was aaaaalll pretty damn forced. Hmm maybe he hadn’t taken a shit in a while so he was like super uptight. Eek haha well there you have it folks!!

The night was a success though because I’ve never been sober and spoken to a new romantic interest. I’m always drunk and at a bar normally! Or drunk at the beach. So that was progress for me!
Oh also forgot to mention this girl randomly points at me and said that I was the smallest so they should pick me. The task was to lift me up and have me sit on someone’s shoulders so that I could tie a lantern to the top of the tent. They needed a light over the food tent and no one was tall enough to reach. So yea this big buff guy like put his head between my legs and lifted me up haha it was the scariest shit of my life like whaaa you’re putting your head in my crotch?! So I was shaking the whole time but it was a lot of teamwork. Oh here’s pics of the incident:

IMG_1978.JPG

IMG_1976.JPG

Yesterday I ate not much. 2 cups Watermelon, 2 apples, 200 cals of cereal and a tall green tea latte with soy milk from Starbucks. Two chips w hummus on them and a slice of someone’s homemade pumpkin bread.
Today I ran a mile on the treadmill at an incline of 4.0, and biked 10 minutes on the stationary bike with a resistance of 8-9 the whole time.
Ate:
1/4 cup of fresh beet juice (25 cals)
about 1 cup of walnuts (650 cals)
About 1/2 cup of raisins (200 cals)
1 apple (80 cals)

And my abs are more pronounced now. Love eating healthy but even more importantly, I love people!! People are what make me feel complete. Not my weight. People.
Although in regards to my weight: I’ll post that tomorrow when I’m back at my dads and have a scale!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! ❤

xo
AB

Damnit

True to my word, I didn’t eat yesterday. Welll until 10 pm when I had a probiotic mini yogurt drink (60 cal) and a nectarine.
So that was good enough.

Today I was doing good, just had coffee with almond milk (30 cals) and some hazelnut creamer, 2 nectarines(60×2=120), 2 carrots(50 cals), and a cup of hot almond milk (40 cals)sweetened w stevia and cinnamon. But then I waited to exercise till the night and when I came back I was just dreaming of cheesy pasta. So I made some. First I had a probiotic drink (60cals) to boost my digestion, and then some cottage cheese (80 cals). So the pasta ended up tasting terribly bec it was just rlly bad quality ingredients. My dad’s gf used to live here so all of the food was hers. She buys like crap processed foods that are an off brand label. TRASH!!! UGGGHHH like I just am not saying she is trash, but I’m so used to having wholesome food, and so my body just really is turned off from all this junk.  Anyway, it just didn’t taste good so I threw it out after a few bites and then made beans with shredded cheese and microwaved, then put some chips and lettuce leaves in it. Nachos with lettuce I guess. It was okay but also made mainly from the crap ingredients she left us.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE OFF OF SUCH CRAP FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS like I would just be so depressed simply bec it tastes so unnatural and dead. Like fruit and vegetables taste alive, and the processed food tastes dead. It looks dead too.But yea, like I really didn’t like the nachos much, they just aren’t fulfilling. I don’t know what is.

So to be honest, I originally had placed a picture of nachos here, but I realized that I absolutely hate when people do that to me! Like I’m innocently scrolling and BAM, there’s some hard core junk food in front of my eyes! Like cookies or some really sugary looking thing, and now I immediately want that food.
See, I care about you guys too much, so I am NOT gonna post some fatty food pic, just to create a craving in u that you didn’t even have before my page!!
So instead:

 

 

thin

I think this starvation thing works sometimes but also doesn’t work sometimes. My body is demanding to be fed so the longer I go without eating, the more higher calorie foods it craves. It’s part of the whole survival mechanism. Like the cavemen. Oh so did you know? I have been reading the Body Book by Cameron Diaz, and I read that we like sweets because way back then, the sweet foods were always the safest ones to eat, like they weren’t poisonous. While the sour and bitter ones, often WERE poisonous. But we also love high calorie foods (All of them, not just sweets) because way back when, when we didn’t know when we’d get our next meal, our body taught us to be drawn to high calorie things so that we could stock up on fat. And then it could be stored in the reserves, like our legs and arms and butts, for later use. Explains a lot, right?
So our environment and surroundings have changed, but our bodies have not. They still crave the same things, as if we lived out in the wild! We might as well go abandon society and go live in the woods y’all. Then at least we’d be back on our body’s natural rhythm and be skinny and lean!

I think instead of “fasting” all day, just to break it at night, I will aim for eating vegetables intermixed with some fruit all day. Maybe half fasting, like still eating very rarely throughout the day, but when I do eat, I’ll have raw foods.
veggies

Vegetables legit do take away my cravings for junk, bec they have the nutrients that my body needs. And since I so rarely eat vegetables, my body is always desiring their vitamins.
And before u tell me to just take a supplement, no, vitamins in a bottle do not work. Well, they hardly work! The body best absorbs things in their natural form, through natural food.

Anyway, not happy with myself, but not allowing myself to get too upset.
How do you guys stay on the diet without breaking it? Do I have to want it more? Maybe I have some fear of success in this…. maybe I need to stop envisioning the future, bec the future is just scaring me? And just think of right now, and how i will not eat right now

My CW: 125
GW1: 120
GW2: 117
GW3: 114
GW4: 110
GW5: 105

K THAT’S A LOT OF GOAL WEIGHTS
Comment your CW GW and height! And your opinions!! I like those a lot 🙂
I love you guys!


xo
AB

Self Improvement

Hey girls,
So I went to a self improvement workshop last weekend, called Landmark Forum and it changed my life! As short as my life may be thus far haha also I was so focused on loving people that my desire to eat entirely vanished for 5 days!

image

A quick thing about it, bec I am so excited by it:
It was $575, which scares away most people my age. Or most people in general. They will say its expensive. Its expensive compared to what? To a plane ticket to new York for a vacation that lasts a few days? To the $400 iPad you bought that is now broken/falling apart? This is self improvement that empowers us and lasts a lifetime 🙂 plus it keeps on giving.  I feel empowered by it, and now I try to empower other people in my life. And they then try to empower their family members. Its nice to spread love, it really is!!

What I learned from this forum is to be authentic (honest) with everyone. Part of being honest is removing the excuses and finding that we really do love everyone, and the moment we tell them we love them and are authentic with them… we are set free.

After the forum, i felt like this bird

image

Okay so I haven’t been paying attention to what i eat lately like my desire to connect with people and tell them I love them is so strong, and so much more satisfying than food. So when I eat its generally with people, out of necessity bec its prob been awhile since I last ate, but not bec of my usual desire to stuff my feelings…

However today at work someone left a platter full of soft cookies so I’m eating those rn. Feeling somewhat bad about it. Is literally been months since I’ve eaten a cookie. And they’re not satisfying! Oatmeal and walnuts taste so much better! But you know, I am by myself at work and I have no legit escuse. I ate cookies because I ate cookies. No other reason than that (that’s something we learned in the landmark forum)

image

Anyway I actually think I’ve lost some weight although I’ve avoided the scales. Whenever I weigh myself, I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a lot shortly thereafter. Either bec I don’t like my weight, or bec I do like it and so now I have permission to eat. I know I have the power to change that habit, but either way, I’m avoiding it!! Haha isn’t that funny, I eat my feelings, regardless of what the scale actually says
Comment pleeaaasseee!!

xo
AB

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
heavy
Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
love self

But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

pretty

All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
avril

Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
girlsss
And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB

Exercise Struggles

image

CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110
SO CONFUSED HOW I LOST WEIGHT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD lolz

Anyway that seems to be the case lately, my body is like on a 2 day delay of what I do!

image

So this morning around 9, I went on a run to the beach and back, interspersed with some walking and pauses.
And BY THE WAY, it was suuuper hard to make myself go aaaaah
In fact, I’ve been planning on doing a beach run for the last few weeks, but always get too scared to!! Like okay what’s so scary about exercising? I don’t know!!  Ive been thinking about it for a while, and I think it may be that we have EXPECTATIONS of how much we need to work out beforehand. So we’re afraid to even exercise because we have such high expectations that we’ve created for ourselves to meet, that the whole idea of working out becomes daunting and scary. So I guess every now and again I want to check myself and ask wait WHY does this make me feel so afraid, what does this mean?

That’s something fun to work on too, if you notice that something scares you, just be aware of that, ask yourself why, and then make yourself do it!

Okay wow why am I always some damn life coach over here. Once I get started I just keep going like that Energizer bunny… Yes I’ve also been called that way too many times. New Halloween costume idea.

image

I’ll be wearing those shades too.

And after i went to the beach w my best, it was really a good time, socializing always lifts me up for the rest of the day! We discussed our job dilemmas bec in our early 20’s, i feel like girls all feel so lost on their journey. Esp for girls who always aimed to please growing up. Now without school, there are no rules to follow, and it feels like we have to suddenly man up and be more aggressive to go after jobs. Changing who we are. Its scary sheeet!

Aanddd we did go to Souplantation after which is a buffet in case it is foreign to you. It wasn’t a huge issue though I ate mostly salad and some bread stuff but not enough to be too much. Still less than what I used to eat in a day, is my consolation. And also bec I lost weight today I feel like safe to eat. Maybe I’ll start weighing every other day bec right now… its yo-yoing all over the place.
DOES ANYONE EVEN READ MY POSTS?!!! Seriously I lovee reading your comments and your pages too. No ghosts! 🙂

CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

xo AB

Hair Falling Out?! Here’s my Cure :)

Hair

Hey y’all so I’ve had this issue where my hair falls out and it’s been doing this for like 4 years… I always eat super healthy but I’m vegetarian so apparently don’t get the protein needed to make Keratin, which is 90% of what our hair is made up of I guess. My hair dresser has been getting on my case and had me sign up for hair skin and nail vitamins from ItWorks!, this website that has diet vitamins and shit.

So it hasn’t made a difference so far and it’s been a month… so I took matters into my own hands and looked up how to naturally build up Keratin. Because as I’ve often heard, the vitamin business is the biggest scam. Our bodies can’t really absorb what’s in pill form so well. So I found that the combo of Vitamin C and protein eaten together is what will both put keratin in your body, and break it down for your body to use. Apparently broccoli, kale, and brussel sprouts have a lot of Vitamin C, as well as soymilk. As for protein, I hard boil eggs, but dairy products like yogurt and cottage cheese also work well.

Broccoli
So today for dinner I steamed 2 heads of broccoli, put lemon on it, and hard boiled 3 eggs. OMGGG THE BROCCOLI TASTES AMAZING. I couldn’t get enough!! I just realized that although I considered myself organic and healthy and shit, it’s super easy to forget to eat vegetables aside from the lettuce in salad. I guess my body really was craving that broccoli. Imma have to buy more tomorrow…

Apparently one full head of broccoli = 98 cals, but I threw away the stalk, which makes up almost half the calories. Both the stalk and the florets are equally nutritious I guess.

So fairly low cal and it’s filled with vitamins which is important because I don’t want to have sallow skin or go bald just bec I’m losing weight!

And for a nice laugh for you all, if anyone has seen White Chicks, this scene is hilarious but also reminds me of Ana, and in the end of the day, I actually hope I don’t see myself so falsely as she does!

xo AB

Being Easy on Myself & Triggers?

Note of Thanks

So first I want to say how much i appreciate you girls, and the wonderful support network you give!! I seriously love this community, it makes me feel super a part of something and not alone! My friends simply would NOT understand my food situations, but you girls do!

Is There Such Thing as a Trigger?

So after the group BBQ which surprisingly I got away with eating not much… I decided to go to the gym for a quick swim before coming home. It was actually suuuper refreshing I only swam like 5-10 laps (i count a lap as there and back), and showered there. Then I came home and saw pizza that my Dad had left out for whoever wanted it – and I decided to eat more. *sigh*  However, it felt like I was very much aware of what I was doing. Like I didn’t feel out of control, it was just like oh hey there’s pizza here, I’ll have a slice. Or two. And eat it slowly. And then some ice cream sundae after. And then Cinnamon Life cereal with some melted chocolate on it. haha oh noooo, reading this, maybe I am creating an illusion in my head that I was in control! Okay I said I would be honest so now I’m being honest! Wow this is really hard for me to just admit it all.
swim
So yea like in retrospect not the healthiest to eat it all, but I’m trying to not freak out on myself. Because from prior experience, if I freaked out that I ate all that, then I would immediately hate myself and feel suicidal. So at least today I’m not suicidal lolz. Not happy with the food I ate but also I thiiink I will be okay, ESPECIALLY because of the wonderful support network you guys give me!!

The whole trigger thing is interesting though. Many say oh shiiiit I started eating and now I simply cannot stop! But we can all stop. Proof: if you can’t stop, then you’d be on a straight eating binge for years, no sleep, no breaks…. So eventually we always stop! For me, I think eating at the BBQ lowered the barrier between me and food, so it made it easier for me to begin eating more. But it was not out of my control! So I didn’t even finish the Chex with chocolate because I was okay with the eating, and not hating myself for it. Being OKAY with it made it super easy to stop part way through.

thumbs up

I think what also helped me stop is that i ate slowly and just checked in with myself like okay this is what I’m doing right now, be aware that I am eating all this junk and be aware of WHY I am eating it. Sooooo I try not to feel that there are any “triggers” because that’s like saying that everything is out of your control, and ANY and EVERYthing can cause you to relapse!  Eating disorders aside, all disorders have common themes in them. Skin picking, alcoholism, drug use, etc… all have “triggers”.  I personally don’t want to spend my life dancing around a mine field of triggers, with fear that I’ll accidentally step on one and then internally blow up! Like that’s no way to live, living in fear?!

I’ve read that the opposite of fear is love. So if we’re not doing something out of love, then we’re doing it out of fear. Well yea, I’m trying not to live in fear.

Easier said than done y’all. ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK AT THAT SCALE OMG FEAR FEAR FEAR. NO LOVE THERE!

What are your thoughts cuties?! I’m just a preacher with not much experience, I bet you all know far more about this than I do! Write your CW & GW also if u have one 🙂

CW: 127.6

GW1: 115

GW2: 110

xo AB

weight loss


So I need some serious help in losing and maintaining weight loss.
I understand that I’ve been using food for comfort when I’m in emotional distress but the past few months I’ve become vividly aware that it doesn’t make me feel better. Art and design seem better outlets, but I only start a project before thinking in a self defeatist way “What’s the point of this again?”, and go back to eating random things from the cupboards.
I want to be thinner so my old clothes will fit, so I will fit in better with my super thin tall best friends, and so that I have more confidence in myself. When I was with my boyfriend, I weighed 115-118 on average and at the lowest point, 111. Since he’s died a little over a year ago, I’ve put on a good amount of weight from eating my feelings late at night… I work out in the day, but it just does not cancel out. As many of you probably know.
I don’t like it!
Butterfly treePost your tips and your CW and GW!
Current weight: 125.7
GW1: 120
GW2: 115