Crumble cake

I love that shit lately. Crumble top coffee cake.
But hey I’m depressed. I’ve been eating ferociously today and yesterday, in anticipation of upcoming social events. Both of which I ended up bailing on bec I felt too fat to go. Like I just shot myself in the foot: I knew I had two social things to go to, so I stressed that they’d see fat me and fat thunder thighs, so I kept eating more and more food (any food I could get my hands on, but also sugar stuff like choc chip muffins) and I didn’t work out yesterday or today… And just kept eating. And then I decided no way did I want to go out to the first one bec the guys would see my fat ass legs. And then the next morning I didn’t want to go to yoga before the girl is suuuper skinny and she would notice my fat assness. Fucking a.

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Yep those r the whale thighs. I store my fat in my thighs only and a little in my butt but I generally try to work that out, so it goes away pretty quick.

So I never stick to any diets, because I immediately think starving my body is unhealthy. And I think that binge eating IS healthy bec its all whole food, like Greek yogurt, apples, walnuts, cereal… Stuff that provides whole nutrients for my body. Its true, that’s what I’ve been believing. That its OK to binge eat, although I feel fat and my stomach protrudes out soo far after eating.
What do I do?

I thought of liquid only diet but my brother would notice. He always calls me out on talking unhealthily. The truth is I feel depressed bec I feel alone. I am not getting enough love in my life. So I eat. But anyway, I guess I can stop caring what ppl think and tell them hey I love you but I’m gonna do what I want and u do what u want, and don’t tell me what to do.

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Lolol

Sigh. I need serious help on having a consistent routine where I eat very little.

xo
AB

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Eating with Ana Companions

So I’m at dinner with my family for my Moms bday, and my mom’s friend is so obvi Ana. It makes me not want to eat. But I ate anyway. But she’s rlly tiny and talks about rlly shallow stuff and seems disconnected from reality. All she did was take one chip from the bowl, places it on her napkin, pressed her hand on it to break it into pieces, and then doused it with salt. Throughout the night she ate the pieces of that one chip. And that’s all!
I guess I feel on edge when I’m at a meal around Ana people. Because they often talk a lot or ask me a milli questions about my food. Like dude stop
Haha but I still admire the Ana life. I just wished it appeared more normal.

xo
AB

It’s Great to Be Alive!

Today Is Great!

Nekter Juice
Hey skinny and beautiful girls!

So I had some green juice that I had made from 2 days ago again this morning!! Juice is something to have in the mornings and if you want it again, then as a snack in the afternoon, but all done before 4 pm. I just have it in the morning bec it stirs up so much activity in my body that I usually get bloated if I have it randomly mixed in with other food groups. The digestive enzymes just clash with each other and create gas in the stomach. And then I feel fat!
So anyway, I feel great today!! Like what’s so cool about juicing is that I don’t crave sugar. I’ll eat it occassionally but I don’t feel the need to binge, because deep down, my nutrient need is getting met from that juice I think. Also, I feel like the natural hunger hormones of leptin and ghrelin get naturally regulated by the juice. Because I never feel hungry anymore when I juice! I think it’s gently telling my body to not eat so that it can return back to it’s normal set weight of what it wants to be at. Before with all this dieting shit, I was like fighting my body. I was

HUNGRY

and wanted

SUGAR

and now I’m rarely hungry. If I do crave sugar, I know that’s because my body feel like it desperately needs food, so it thinks of the fattiest thing it can find, because that’s the quickest way for it to get the calories that it needs. So since I am aware of that, I’ll often have a bowl of oatmeal
(3/4 cup-1 cup oatmeal with water and heated in the microwave for a minute) with a banana sliced up on top, and that cures the craving for sugar. Almost immediately!

Oatmeal

We’ll see how things keep going! I’m honestly just waiting for something negative to happen because I can hardly believe that things are going so well! It’s like, is this to good to be true? Am I REALLY this happy all day long and eating healthy and never wanting junk, and do I REALLY have soooo much energy?! Especially since I have no job, I normally would be depressed as shit and feel like I have no self worth. Like my job defined me?! It used to be being in school that I also claimed would define my happiness. It’s all in my mind and the way I perceive things though, and it’s also in the way that I eat! THOSE are what determine my happiness. In other words, what I’m learning is, the only thing that really determines my happiness is…
me!!

Also, eating so naturally has awakened my spirituality even more so than ever. It’s like my body is aligning properly at last. When I “interpretive dance” as my bf used to call it, well the moves just flow through me, like I am unblocking something in myself so that a deeper source of creativity is connecting and flowing through me.
It’s amazing and so beautiful!

Dance

I love you all!!

xo
AB

Juicing n Jobs

Hey pretty girls!

So today I made green juice in our juicer:

  • 2 romaine lettuce heads
  • 1 English cucumber
  • 3 stalks celery
  • a handful of kale leaves
  • 1 lemon
  • 1.5 inches of ginger
  • handful of mint leaves

It tastes sour and very healthy. I like drinking raw juice because it has live enzymes from the water inside the plants, and it gets into your body quickly and begins loosening toxins and fat that have been in your body for years!
Also love it because it makes me super regular haha I always have such a flat stomach when I juice and such energy too! Plus my skin glows and people actually compliment it

Me w my juice I made!

If you haven’t juiced before, just be aware that it will shock your system so at first there may be bloating or your skin may break out. These are just the newly loosened toxins trying to escape your system at last! They can be flushed out through your digestive system instead by eating raw foods and drinking a lot of water.
Anyway check out raw food diet on the internet and you’ll find out a lot! Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t! Going just a few days without processed food (at my Mom’s place she doesn’t have anything that isn’t a fruit vegetable nut, or raisins) I genuinely crave fresh raw foods, and processed food looks dead to me. I mean it is dead, its usually brown or white, but vegetables and fruit are bright rainbow colors! I mean, they’re so much better to look at and enjoy!
Raw Foods Detox Diet Book
This book is what I first bought when I was looking into raw foods back in highschool and I still read it and refer back to it constantly!

I got off of raw foods eating because the juicing took some time (about 10-20 minutes including clean up), and I made up excuses for why I didn’t have the time. But somehow I have time for hours of Netflix and movies? Things that make me groggy afterwards? Yea, what an excuse!! I still love TV as much as the next person haha I’m not condemning it for the record. But I made time for that and not for my health and my energy, and now I’m making time for both! Actually right now it’s more about my energy and I haven’t watched TV in a week almost, but that’s fine, I don’t miss it toooooo much. Now I’ll probably go watch it after talking about it haha

Freelee the Banana Girl
Here’s a pic of Freelee the banana girl. I first found her on Instagram a few years ago. This is a picture of part of her countertop. Like she eats a TON of raw foods. Because that’s all that she eats, she can eat a lot of it. No more calorie counting!!

Before and After of Freelee
And here is her before and after’s. She’s got a lot of muscle now and I can honestly say I have that same problem haha which is funny because I never eat meat. So people ask me where I get my protein. Well idk but vegetables and fruit and whole grains MUST have it, because I’m so damnnnn muscular! Sorry I’m not a fan of bulkiness haha I love lean muscle though, I def do!

Okay so my real dilemma right now is that my seasonal job ended, and I didn’t replace it with a new one. I have been avoiding applying to places. Fear. But fear of what? Fear they won’t like me? Fear I’ll be awkward? Maybe a little of those, I’m not sure.
I mean I know I’m awesome (you’re all awesome, it’s not just me!), so yea I guess who wouldn’t want an awesome person to work with them!! With a lot of things in life, I find that thinking about them for too long prevents me from taking action. Jumping into action is what yields happiness and joy for me. You know, like walking into my brother’s room and telling him I love him. Without thinking about it, just doing it impulsively. It feels good, and I wouldn’t have done it if I’d given time to think about it…
So thinking isn’t always good!

I’ve been waffling with the idea of continuing to blog because it seems to take away from appreciating the present when I’m just reflecting back on the past and how my days have gone.
However I love reading other people’s posts so I’m gonna keep this for now!

Let me know how I can improve, or what interests you! I usually feel I’m just preaching to a silent and empty room!

xo
AB

Am I Social Yet?

Waddup y’all sooo it’s been awhile!
With the exception of the depressing weekend where I first binge ate cookies and then spent the next two days sleeping so that I could avoid eating (with the help of some nice sleeping pills), life has otherwise been good! Life is only good when I socialize though. I’ve always walked around with these labels I put on myself as being “socially awkward” or “afraid of people”. (Hey as a child, I truly was afraid of saying hello to my own friends, unless they said it first).
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Aah yes, a pretty girl so alone and shy

But bec I felt I was antisocial, I often tried to convince myself that I preferred being alone to spending time with people. But when I actuallyyyy consciously observed myself and my moods… I’m always so DAMN happy after I spend time with my friends! Or after I have meaningful talks with strangers. Liiiike can’t ignore the signs, yo. I guess I’m not actually better when alone. I’m better when surrounded by people!

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Anddd with friends, don’t they look so much happier?!

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Or model friends, as the case may be. Who knew they were bests?

So my mom and I went to a meetup.com bonfire at the beach last night, it was a full moon bonfire, and it was the first time I’ve ever been to a meetup group! So I wanted to instinctively go for the cop-out in my head of: “yea I’m socially awkward, I won’t have fun at this”. I voiced this to my mom. She said, create a possibility for yourself at this meetup. What possibilities would you like to create for yourself here?
Oh my mom is so wise. Anyway, a possibility I could create could have been: I’d like to meet a stranger. Or I’d like to get someone’s number. Or I’d like to have a conversation with someone. But I stated getting afraid and just blocked these all out of my mind. But we kept walking up to the group, and after my mom said a few words to some people next to us, we decided to just stand there In the circle, and soon enough, people came up to us! The conversation was awkward and forced at first, but it was okay because I decided that I would allow the other people to carry the conversation for once. I wasn’t gonna be the damn entertainment of the night, like usual, I was gonna let them entertain me!!

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I ended up having a convo w a guy I actually thought was cute (until 2 minutes in when he asked me what type of car I have and if I share it with anyone, like maybe my mom for instance?) and we went in the ocean together at 9 at night! While this other random drunken guy in his like 50s held my shirt for me and watched us go in haha he was like just happy in his own drunken world. And the cute guy asked for my number, but i have to say he lost his cuteness because his face actually got scary looking when he smiled, it was like a weird forced smile. and the convo did not flow at all. It was aaaaalll pretty damn forced. Hmm maybe he hadn’t taken a shit in a while so he was like super uptight. Eek haha well there you have it folks!!

The night was a success though because I’ve never been sober and spoken to a new romantic interest. I’m always drunk and at a bar normally! Or drunk at the beach. So that was progress for me!
Oh also forgot to mention this girl randomly points at me and said that I was the smallest so they should pick me. The task was to lift me up and have me sit on someone’s shoulders so that I could tie a lantern to the top of the tent. They needed a light over the food tent and no one was tall enough to reach. So yea this big buff guy like put his head between my legs and lifted me up haha it was the scariest shit of my life like whaaa you’re putting your head in my crotch?! So I was shaking the whole time but it was a lot of teamwork. Oh here’s pics of the incident:

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Yesterday I ate not much. 2 cups Watermelon, 2 apples, 200 cals of cereal and a tall green tea latte with soy milk from Starbucks. Two chips w hummus on them and a slice of someone’s homemade pumpkin bread.
Today I ran a mile on the treadmill at an incline of 4.0, and biked 10 minutes on the stationary bike with a resistance of 8-9 the whole time.
Ate:
1/4 cup of fresh beet juice (25 cals)
about 1 cup of walnuts (650 cals)
About 1/2 cup of raisins (200 cals)
1 apple (80 cals)

And my abs are more pronounced now. Love eating healthy but even more importantly, I love people!! People are what make me feel complete. Not my weight. People.
Although in regards to my weight: I’ll post that tomorrow when I’m back at my dads and have a scale!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! ❤

xo
AB

Sickness as a Result of Starving

Today I was rlly sick, weird bec I’m neverr sick. Like severe migraine and such cramping in my back!
Yesterday I did some squats and things to work out my butt and quads, and these high intensity exercises really cramp up my muscles. Like the muscles roll up really tightly in the hamstrings, so today it was so tightly wound bec I never stretched I think, and it extended up through my back. I was bed ridden literally all day!! I even texted my mom to come and give me a massage, but she said it would take her a few hours and suggested Tylenol in the meantime. So after I popped that, I was feelin good! Btw, I understand why people get addicted to pain killers now! A nice numbing chill feeling.

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So I realized every time I extreme diet I get sick easily. My friends who forget to eat all the time, well they get sick a lot, and now I just realized perhaps if the body is not getting enough nutrients, then the immune system isn’t strong enough and there just isn’t enough energy to do the normal body processes. Like normally after I work out a lot, I consume bananas (just something that’s always in the house) and the potassium in those prevent muscle cramping. But now since IVe been eating nothing, I think my body’s been nutrient deficient, and therefore I have all these bizarre sicknesses suddenly. Idk if this interest you guys, but I find nutrition somewhat interesting!
Ate today:
1 banana (100)
2 apples (85×2= 170)
3/4 cup oatmeal w/ 1 tbsp brown sugar and 1 tbsp butter (350)
Evening:
Baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies – 6 NOO idea how many cals

IDK who reads these posts and perhaps no one does, but I create the idea in my mind that a lot of people are reading this, so that holds me accountable. I don’t want to look bad in front of a lot of people, and I did promise that I would be honest with what I eat!

Thanks for being here ❤
xo
AB

Self Improvement

Hey girls,
So I went to a self improvement workshop last weekend, called Landmark Forum and it changed my life! As short as my life may be thus far haha also I was so focused on loving people that my desire to eat entirely vanished for 5 days!

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A quick thing about it, bec I am so excited by it:
It was $575, which scares away most people my age. Or most people in general. They will say its expensive. Its expensive compared to what? To a plane ticket to new York for a vacation that lasts a few days? To the $400 iPad you bought that is now broken/falling apart? This is self improvement that empowers us and lasts a lifetime 🙂 plus it keeps on giving.  I feel empowered by it, and now I try to empower other people in my life. And they then try to empower their family members. Its nice to spread love, it really is!!

What I learned from this forum is to be authentic (honest) with everyone. Part of being honest is removing the excuses and finding that we really do love everyone, and the moment we tell them we love them and are authentic with them… we are set free.

After the forum, i felt like this bird

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Okay so I haven’t been paying attention to what i eat lately like my desire to connect with people and tell them I love them is so strong, and so much more satisfying than food. So when I eat its generally with people, out of necessity bec its prob been awhile since I last ate, but not bec of my usual desire to stuff my feelings…

However today at work someone left a platter full of soft cookies so I’m eating those rn. Feeling somewhat bad about it. Is literally been months since I’ve eaten a cookie. And they’re not satisfying! Oatmeal and walnuts taste so much better! But you know, I am by myself at work and I have no legit escuse. I ate cookies because I ate cookies. No other reason than that (that’s something we learned in the landmark forum)

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Anyway I actually think I’ve lost some weight although I’ve avoided the scales. Whenever I weigh myself, I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a lot shortly thereafter. Either bec I don’t like my weight, or bec I do like it and so now I have permission to eat. I know I have the power to change that habit, but either way, I’m avoiding it!! Haha isn’t that funny, I eat my feelings, regardless of what the scale actually says
Comment pleeaaasseee!!

xo
AB

Exercise Struggles

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CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110
SO CONFUSED HOW I LOST WEIGHT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD lolz

Anyway that seems to be the case lately, my body is like on a 2 day delay of what I do!

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So this morning around 9, I went on a run to the beach and back, interspersed with some walking and pauses.
And BY THE WAY, it was suuuper hard to make myself go aaaaah
In fact, I’ve been planning on doing a beach run for the last few weeks, but always get too scared to!! Like okay what’s so scary about exercising? I don’t know!!  Ive been thinking about it for a while, and I think it may be that we have EXPECTATIONS of how much we need to work out beforehand. So we’re afraid to even exercise because we have such high expectations that we’ve created for ourselves to meet, that the whole idea of working out becomes daunting and scary. So I guess every now and again I want to check myself and ask wait WHY does this make me feel so afraid, what does this mean?

That’s something fun to work on too, if you notice that something scares you, just be aware of that, ask yourself why, and then make yourself do it!

Okay wow why am I always some damn life coach over here. Once I get started I just keep going like that Energizer bunny… Yes I’ve also been called that way too many times. New Halloween costume idea.

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I’ll be wearing those shades too.

And after i went to the beach w my best, it was really a good time, socializing always lifts me up for the rest of the day! We discussed our job dilemmas bec in our early 20’s, i feel like girls all feel so lost on their journey. Esp for girls who always aimed to please growing up. Now without school, there are no rules to follow, and it feels like we have to suddenly man up and be more aggressive to go after jobs. Changing who we are. Its scary sheeet!

Aanddd we did go to Souplantation after which is a buffet in case it is foreign to you. It wasn’t a huge issue though I ate mostly salad and some bread stuff but not enough to be too much. Still less than what I used to eat in a day, is my consolation. And also bec I lost weight today I feel like safe to eat. Maybe I’ll start weighing every other day bec right now… its yo-yoing all over the place.
DOES ANYONE EVEN READ MY POSTS?!!! Seriously I lovee reading your comments and your pages too. No ghosts! 🙂

CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

xo AB

Fattttt

So today I went to the beach after work, my dads house is a few blocks from it so I went by myself and splashed aroind in the waves for 10 minutes. It was marvelous! Every time those waves hit me, the smile I get just lights up my face!

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I took this pic today!

So I felt the most in shape of the other women @ the beach, but that’s because they’re older/have had children already so they have an excuse. I’m still 23 and just like to eat when bored lolz.

Anyway, came home and decided well why not just eat junk food. I’m not sure why exactly I wanted to start, I think I felt some shame of my thghs walking around in a swimsuit, so I fed that shame with more food, bec I use food as a numbing mechanism sometimes.. So I binged on a cup of ice cream, chocolate chips and quesadillas. But I don’t purge because that, I’ve noticed, makes me feel utterly worthless for up to two weeks after. Just binge.

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So either way I wasn’t gonna even write it on here bec I’m ashamed, and it’s super easy for me to feel like I have some sort of image to keep up… I write on here like how I text my friends, with the same honesty. But I’m not THIS honest w my friends when it brings me serious shame.
Bingeing = shame

But I love you guys and truly don’t want to hide myself. I’m trying to remain transparent like Scotch tape.

How do u guys prevent emotional eating?!

xo AB

Hair Falling Out?! Here’s my Cure :)

Hair

Hey y’all so I’ve had this issue where my hair falls out and it’s been doing this for like 4 years… I always eat super healthy but I’m vegetarian so apparently don’t get the protein needed to make Keratin, which is 90% of what our hair is made up of I guess. My hair dresser has been getting on my case and had me sign up for hair skin and nail vitamins from ItWorks!, this website that has diet vitamins and shit.

So it hasn’t made a difference so far and it’s been a month… so I took matters into my own hands and looked up how to naturally build up Keratin. Because as I’ve often heard, the vitamin business is the biggest scam. Our bodies can’t really absorb what’s in pill form so well. So I found that the combo of Vitamin C and protein eaten together is what will both put keratin in your body, and break it down for your body to use. Apparently broccoli, kale, and brussel sprouts have a lot of Vitamin C, as well as soymilk. As for protein, I hard boil eggs, but dairy products like yogurt and cottage cheese also work well.

Broccoli
So today for dinner I steamed 2 heads of broccoli, put lemon on it, and hard boiled 3 eggs. OMGGG THE BROCCOLI TASTES AMAZING. I couldn’t get enough!! I just realized that although I considered myself organic and healthy and shit, it’s super easy to forget to eat vegetables aside from the lettuce in salad. I guess my body really was craving that broccoli. Imma have to buy more tomorrow…

Apparently one full head of broccoli = 98 cals, but I threw away the stalk, which makes up almost half the calories. Both the stalk and the florets are equally nutritious I guess.

So fairly low cal and it’s filled with vitamins which is important because I don’t want to have sallow skin or go bald just bec I’m losing weight!

And for a nice laugh for you all, if anyone has seen White Chicks, this scene is hilarious but also reminds me of Ana, and in the end of the day, I actually hope I don’t see myself so falsely as she does!

xo AB