Depressed and fat.
I ate a lot but i was depressed before that. Now my stomach is just past the point of bursting and it hurts its so full, and I still feel so alone.
I did try a bit, well actually I just contacted 4 of my friends and told them I felt down and sad and wondered why it was that I was feeling this way yet AGAIN (I was like this last night too). One said she was depressed too, while another said maybe I get my happiness from other people, and that’s why I feel down when I’m alone. Another said that she sometimes also feels unwanted and lonely, and it’s normal for everyone. And the one who used to be my closest best friend didn’t answer. I don’t expect much from her lately, her boyfriend is her life. And we are just different now. i’m trying to find myself now, and shes trying to be all about that monogamous life and have her bf be her world. And her bf’s family. It’s whatever.I still try w her though bec she still knows me best and I still feel the most fulfilled when spending time with her. Although lately I guess that’s changing.
Anyway, last night when i felt depressed i decided to take care of my happiness, and i went on Facebook messenger and saw i had a message from a guy i had met a few days earlier at this “authentic relationships” workshop. And so we messaged back and forth a little about our beliefs on sexuality and taboo topics, like being attracted to my sibling (yes, society condemns it, but i want to question everything society condemns, bec society is totally fear based and our rules make no sense). And then I said: hey, how about we hang out right now? And he said well okay fine, he’d have to put on some clothes on bec he was studying in the nude, but he was down! So I drove 40 minutes to his house and we hung out and had a deep convo on sex positions and life and relationships for 3 hours! It was good, and I felt filled up inside. Like we really just didn’t act fake or that we had our shit together. We just spoke about our problems and our past. Or he spoke mainly, but that’s what I wanted.
But then today, I felt utterly alone and sort of worthless. I hung out with my mom for 1.5 hours, but there isnt much to say to her I feel like. She’s filled w stories about her dating life, but I don’t date so I don’t like hearing about her stories. And so she gets mad at me that I’m not supportive of every one of her highs and lows. Like get over yourself woman, I feel sooo alone right now and you don’t even notice, and you’ve NEVER noticed! I don’t expect people to read minds, but I know that I pick up on verbal and visual cues a lot, and even if I didn’t, I ALWAYS ask people about themselves constantly. With my Mom, she steamrolls right over the person she’s with and keeps talking about herself and her newest hookup and how she really likes him. Like ya, u say that about every guy. She literally has sex with about 3-7 men a week. Like it’s not fun for me to keep feigning interest in excitement in each one, and then feigning sadness when they disappear from her life. Like it’s just waaay too much emotion.
Anyway, yesterday, I took care of my happiness. Today, I didn’t, I ate instead. And felt even worse I think. And ran out of people to ask to hang out with. Altho in reality there is no shortage of people. We are SURROUNDED by people, and they all want to connect. They’re just scared to, and all pretending they’re happy. They’re not though.
I don’t like being around ppl who say their life is great. It makes me feel like they’re lying. I guess I can’t truly believe that someone’s life is actually so perfect that they don’t need any more connection or changes in their life.
I’ve been junk eating as soon as I get home from work and told myself it was ok bec it was just one meal a day but I saw today that I was 130! So I’m gaining if anything. Altho I look the same/ thinner in my stomach.
I just want to be alone and depressed for a week.