Still Gaining

Now tonight I’m 129.2. Two pounds more than last night? Obvi our weight fluctuates a lot!
Logging my food daily for my nutrition class is def a lot of work, and the more I eat, the more I have to input, bec it doesn’t have any of my foods saved on the website. Let’s make it easier on myself next time and just not eat 🙂

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xo
AB

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Juicing n Jobs

Hey pretty girls!

So today I made green juice in our juicer:

  • 2 romaine lettuce heads
  • 1 English cucumber
  • 3 stalks celery
  • a handful of kale leaves
  • 1 lemon
  • 1.5 inches of ginger
  • handful of mint leaves

It tastes sour and very healthy. I like drinking raw juice because it has live enzymes from the water inside the plants, and it gets into your body quickly and begins loosening toxins and fat that have been in your body for years!
Also love it because it makes me super regular haha I always have such a flat stomach when I juice and such energy too! Plus my skin glows and people actually compliment it

Me w my juice I made!

If you haven’t juiced before, just be aware that it will shock your system so at first there may be bloating or your skin may break out. These are just the newly loosened toxins trying to escape your system at last! They can be flushed out through your digestive system instead by eating raw foods and drinking a lot of water.
Anyway check out raw food diet on the internet and you’ll find out a lot! Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t! Going just a few days without processed food (at my Mom’s place she doesn’t have anything that isn’t a fruit vegetable nut, or raisins) I genuinely crave fresh raw foods, and processed food looks dead to me. I mean it is dead, its usually brown or white, but vegetables and fruit are bright rainbow colors! I mean, they’re so much better to look at and enjoy!
Raw Foods Detox Diet Book
This book is what I first bought when I was looking into raw foods back in highschool and I still read it and refer back to it constantly!

I got off of raw foods eating because the juicing took some time (about 10-20 minutes including clean up), and I made up excuses for why I didn’t have the time. But somehow I have time for hours of Netflix and movies? Things that make me groggy afterwards? Yea, what an excuse!! I still love TV as much as the next person haha I’m not condemning it for the record. But I made time for that and not for my health and my energy, and now I’m making time for both! Actually right now it’s more about my energy and I haven’t watched TV in a week almost, but that’s fine, I don’t miss it toooooo much. Now I’ll probably go watch it after talking about it haha

Freelee the Banana Girl
Here’s a pic of Freelee the banana girl. I first found her on Instagram a few years ago. This is a picture of part of her countertop. Like she eats a TON of raw foods. Because that’s all that she eats, she can eat a lot of it. No more calorie counting!!

Before and After of Freelee
And here is her before and after’s. She’s got a lot of muscle now and I can honestly say I have that same problem haha which is funny because I never eat meat. So people ask me where I get my protein. Well idk but vegetables and fruit and whole grains MUST have it, because I’m so damnnnn muscular! Sorry I’m not a fan of bulkiness haha I love lean muscle though, I def do!

Okay so my real dilemma right now is that my seasonal job ended, and I didn’t replace it with a new one. I have been avoiding applying to places. Fear. But fear of what? Fear they won’t like me? Fear I’ll be awkward? Maybe a little of those, I’m not sure.
I mean I know I’m awesome (you’re all awesome, it’s not just me!), so yea I guess who wouldn’t want an awesome person to work with them!! With a lot of things in life, I find that thinking about them for too long prevents me from taking action. Jumping into action is what yields happiness and joy for me. You know, like walking into my brother’s room and telling him I love him. Without thinking about it, just doing it impulsively. It feels good, and I wouldn’t have done it if I’d given time to think about it…
So thinking isn’t always good!

I’ve been waffling with the idea of continuing to blog because it seems to take away from appreciating the present when I’m just reflecting back on the past and how my days have gone.
However I love reading other people’s posts so I’m gonna keep this for now!

Let me know how I can improve, or what interests you! I usually feel I’m just preaching to a silent and empty room!

xo
AB

Sickness as a Result of Starving

Today I was rlly sick, weird bec I’m neverr sick. Like severe migraine and such cramping in my back!
Yesterday I did some squats and things to work out my butt and quads, and these high intensity exercises really cramp up my muscles. Like the muscles roll up really tightly in the hamstrings, so today it was so tightly wound bec I never stretched I think, and it extended up through my back. I was bed ridden literally all day!! I even texted my mom to come and give me a massage, but she said it would take her a few hours and suggested Tylenol in the meantime. So after I popped that, I was feelin good! Btw, I understand why people get addicted to pain killers now! A nice numbing chill feeling.

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So I realized every time I extreme diet I get sick easily. My friends who forget to eat all the time, well they get sick a lot, and now I just realized perhaps if the body is not getting enough nutrients, then the immune system isn’t strong enough and there just isn’t enough energy to do the normal body processes. Like normally after I work out a lot, I consume bananas (just something that’s always in the house) and the potassium in those prevent muscle cramping. But now since IVe been eating nothing, I think my body’s been nutrient deficient, and therefore I have all these bizarre sicknesses suddenly. Idk if this interest you guys, but I find nutrition somewhat interesting!
Ate today:
1 banana (100)
2 apples (85×2= 170)
3/4 cup oatmeal w/ 1 tbsp brown sugar and 1 tbsp butter (350)
Evening:
Baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies – 6 NOO idea how many cals

IDK who reads these posts and perhaps no one does, but I create the idea in my mind that a lot of people are reading this, so that holds me accountable. I don’t want to look bad in front of a lot of people, and I did promise that I would be honest with what I eat!

Thanks for being here ❤
xo
AB

Damnit

True to my word, I didn’t eat yesterday. Welll until 10 pm when I had a probiotic mini yogurt drink (60 cal) and a nectarine.
So that was good enough.

Today I was doing good, just had coffee with almond milk (30 cals) and some hazelnut creamer, 2 nectarines(60×2=120), 2 carrots(50 cals), and a cup of hot almond milk (40 cals)sweetened w stevia and cinnamon. But then I waited to exercise till the night and when I came back I was just dreaming of cheesy pasta. So I made some. First I had a probiotic drink (60cals) to boost my digestion, and then some cottage cheese (80 cals). So the pasta ended up tasting terribly bec it was just rlly bad quality ingredients. My dad’s gf used to live here so all of the food was hers. She buys like crap processed foods that are an off brand label. TRASH!!! UGGGHHH like I just am not saying she is trash, but I’m so used to having wholesome food, and so my body just really is turned off from all this junk.  Anyway, it just didn’t taste good so I threw it out after a few bites and then made beans with shredded cheese and microwaved, then put some chips and lettuce leaves in it. Nachos with lettuce I guess. It was okay but also made mainly from the crap ingredients she left us.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE OFF OF SUCH CRAP FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS like I would just be so depressed simply bec it tastes so unnatural and dead. Like fruit and vegetables taste alive, and the processed food tastes dead. It looks dead too.But yea, like I really didn’t like the nachos much, they just aren’t fulfilling. I don’t know what is.

So to be honest, I originally had placed a picture of nachos here, but I realized that I absolutely hate when people do that to me! Like I’m innocently scrolling and BAM, there’s some hard core junk food in front of my eyes! Like cookies or some really sugary looking thing, and now I immediately want that food.
See, I care about you guys too much, so I am NOT gonna post some fatty food pic, just to create a craving in u that you didn’t even have before my page!!
So instead:

 

 

thin

I think this starvation thing works sometimes but also doesn’t work sometimes. My body is demanding to be fed so the longer I go without eating, the more higher calorie foods it craves. It’s part of the whole survival mechanism. Like the cavemen. Oh so did you know? I have been reading the Body Book by Cameron Diaz, and I read that we like sweets because way back then, the sweet foods were always the safest ones to eat, like they weren’t poisonous. While the sour and bitter ones, often WERE poisonous. But we also love high calorie foods (All of them, not just sweets) because way back when, when we didn’t know when we’d get our next meal, our body taught us to be drawn to high calorie things so that we could stock up on fat. And then it could be stored in the reserves, like our legs and arms and butts, for later use. Explains a lot, right?
So our environment and surroundings have changed, but our bodies have not. They still crave the same things, as if we lived out in the wild! We might as well go abandon society and go live in the woods y’all. Then at least we’d be back on our body’s natural rhythm and be skinny and lean!

I think instead of “fasting” all day, just to break it at night, I will aim for eating vegetables intermixed with some fruit all day. Maybe half fasting, like still eating very rarely throughout the day, but when I do eat, I’ll have raw foods.
veggies

Vegetables legit do take away my cravings for junk, bec they have the nutrients that my body needs. And since I so rarely eat vegetables, my body is always desiring their vitamins.
And before u tell me to just take a supplement, no, vitamins in a bottle do not work. Well, they hardly work! The body best absorbs things in their natural form, through natural food.

Anyway, not happy with myself, but not allowing myself to get too upset.
How do you guys stay on the diet without breaking it? Do I have to want it more? Maybe I have some fear of success in this…. maybe I need to stop envisioning the future, bec the future is just scaring me? And just think of right now, and how i will not eat right now

My CW: 125
GW1: 120
GW2: 117
GW3: 114
GW4: 110
GW5: 105

K THAT’S A LOT OF GOAL WEIGHTS
Comment your CW GW and height! And your opinions!! I like those a lot 🙂
I love you guys!


xo
AB

OK biggest secret in my life

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I have been best friends with this girl for 10 years now, we’re both 23, and she gives me so much unconditional love all the time. The only person outside of my family who consistently does. Its like she is a sister from a past life. Or maybe a lover. We’re just on the same wavelength all the time. In terms of the words we say, and the struggles we feel we have, and the forward growth and self improvement that we create in our lives. I also give her unconditional love and encourage her sexuality and self expression and freedom, because I feel people are drawn to her free spirit like a light beacon, and our impulsiveness and wildness is something to nurture and let shine.

My secret is: I feel like I love her like actually all-encompassing love, and i want to do more with her than just hug. I want to try making out  (longer than our occasional drunk makeouts that quickly end in us laughing) and  I want to hook up like sleep together. Side note: ive never been w a girl – the most I’ve done is make out with girls. Which ive done quite a few times actually.

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She has a boyfriend of 2 yearsish and they r very much in love w each other. They live together, and have for about a year now and both r incredibly loyal people. Which means they’ll never leave, even if the relationship turns unhealthy.  But it is quite healthy. Just saying this to say that I support their relationship and do not seek to compete w her boyfriend or have them break up. He’s a nice guy too.

What’s crazy is that I never had these feelings until this year. Or never acknowledged that I had them.

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Okay wow I ought to give that to her haha

But aaah this is like something I have not written down before, so im looking around cautiously as i write this haha. I’m normally transparent and tell my friends everything, so this is new for me to keep a secret. And its a big one. Well actually, that’s a story I made up. Its not necessarily a big secret. I could just tell her. But I haven’t yet, and I am freaking ashamed of these feelings.
In fact, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of them, thinking things like
“Oh, I only have these feelings because I don’t have any guys in my life and don’t let any new guys into my heart, so she’s the only one who I’ve let in into my life … So naturally I may create feelings for her”. Or “I just want to try being bi, because i want to push my comfort zone and dissolve the boundaries i once created for my relationships – so I’m just creating a feeling that isn’t really there”.

But I’m thinking, why ignore the feeling? Why run from it? Why explain it? (We LOVE to analyze and understand “why” don’t we?) And also… why keepy feelings a secret? I feel like the longer something remains a secret, the more power I unintentionally give it, like i had been thinking it has some sort of destructive explosive power if I shared it with someone. It doesn’t have to be true though.
When I say the secret to the person, it takes all the power out of it. Knocks the wind out of its sails. Its called being authentic. But the thing is, do i want to change our relationship from a close friendship to something with more affection and more expressed love?
I mean yea i do want that! Right now it feels too safe. And there’s a possibility she may want to explore too. And if she doesn’t? Then I can say oh well, I was just being honest and true to myself!

Help. Seriously. I’m so glad this blog is here.

xo
AB

Mia Problems

First of all. You’re awesome. And I love you.  I love you because you are a brilliant and wise soul living a human experience. And actually, I love you because love is what I stand for; I am a loving human being, who gives love.

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Courtney Love in in ’09
Too pale but not too skinny!

So omgomg I ate SO much yesterday/this morning. Pulled an all nighter after doing some college quizzes that were due online by midnight. I noticed when I haven’t looked at proana stuff for a week or two and then go back to it, I overeat a lot. And then diet. So I’m gonna stick to the second part.

Btw 2 months ago I got a FatBurner pill from this website of beauty and health products called “ItWorks!” Www.myitworks.com, and someone I know swears by their products. So if you agree to get one product every month for 3 months, then u can pay for the products at the cheaper price without paying for the membership price.

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Not showing my full face bec I’m being anonymous!

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Has caffeine and green tea extract in it.
So the FatBurner pill I don’t use that often bec it makes me hyper as shit haha but also because from prior experience to products w caffeine, my body builds up a tolerance super fast to where I need it every day just to not get headaches. So I use it every now and again after a meal. But if u guys want to lose weight, I think its effective just because it makes u: not hungry and makes u want to move. I’m not sure if it burns extra carbs just on its own, I sort of figured that was their advertising ploy bec its better to say “you’ll sit around and burn fat” than to say “you’re gonna want to move and run around like a wild maniac and you’ll stop eating, and that’s how you’ll burn the cals”. Bec the second slogan sounds, well, not so relaxing.

So here’s my new fave gum as of this past week:

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Its like a Spearmint flavor and lasts insanely long (I think)

So I’m trying this new thing where I have “integrity”, some lingo we learned in the Landmark Forum meaning when we say we’ll do something… we do it. I think you’re all quite smart and don’t actually have trouble w vocab words but I guess for me, I never had thought of what exactly that word meant.
So I like having integrity because I feel like I can rely on myself. I feel dependable. I feel responsible for what occurs in my life, and let me tell u, that feeling is awesome, and empowering! I mean we are all responsible for our own lives actually, but I never acted like I fully was responsible.

So this tangent was because I say I am not eating today so now I won’t eat!

I really am thankful to you for reading this and just for being in this community!!

xo
AB

Self Improvement

Hey girls,
So I went to a self improvement workshop last weekend, called Landmark Forum and it changed my life! As short as my life may be thus far haha also I was so focused on loving people that my desire to eat entirely vanished for 5 days!

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A quick thing about it, bec I am so excited by it:
It was $575, which scares away most people my age. Or most people in general. They will say its expensive. Its expensive compared to what? To a plane ticket to new York for a vacation that lasts a few days? To the $400 iPad you bought that is now broken/falling apart? This is self improvement that empowers us and lasts a lifetime 🙂 plus it keeps on giving.  I feel empowered by it, and now I try to empower other people in my life. And they then try to empower their family members. Its nice to spread love, it really is!!

What I learned from this forum is to be authentic (honest) with everyone. Part of being honest is removing the excuses and finding that we really do love everyone, and the moment we tell them we love them and are authentic with them… we are set free.

After the forum, i felt like this bird

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Okay so I haven’t been paying attention to what i eat lately like my desire to connect with people and tell them I love them is so strong, and so much more satisfying than food. So when I eat its generally with people, out of necessity bec its prob been awhile since I last ate, but not bec of my usual desire to stuff my feelings…

However today at work someone left a platter full of soft cookies so I’m eating those rn. Feeling somewhat bad about it. Is literally been months since I’ve eaten a cookie. And they’re not satisfying! Oatmeal and walnuts taste so much better! But you know, I am by myself at work and I have no legit escuse. I ate cookies because I ate cookies. No other reason than that (that’s something we learned in the landmark forum)

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Anyway I actually think I’ve lost some weight although I’ve avoided the scales. Whenever I weigh myself, I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a lot shortly thereafter. Either bec I don’t like my weight, or bec I do like it and so now I have permission to eat. I know I have the power to change that habit, but either way, I’m avoiding it!! Haha isn’t that funny, I eat my feelings, regardless of what the scale actually says
Comment pleeaaasseee!!

xo
AB

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
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Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
love self

But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
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Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
girlsss
And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB

Exercise Struggles

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CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110
SO CONFUSED HOW I LOST WEIGHT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD lolz

Anyway that seems to be the case lately, my body is like on a 2 day delay of what I do!

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So this morning around 9, I went on a run to the beach and back, interspersed with some walking and pauses.
And BY THE WAY, it was suuuper hard to make myself go aaaaah
In fact, I’ve been planning on doing a beach run for the last few weeks, but always get too scared to!! Like okay what’s so scary about exercising? I don’t know!!  Ive been thinking about it for a while, and I think it may be that we have EXPECTATIONS of how much we need to work out beforehand. So we’re afraid to even exercise because we have such high expectations that we’ve created for ourselves to meet, that the whole idea of working out becomes daunting and scary. So I guess every now and again I want to check myself and ask wait WHY does this make me feel so afraid, what does this mean?

That’s something fun to work on too, if you notice that something scares you, just be aware of that, ask yourself why, and then make yourself do it!

Okay wow why am I always some damn life coach over here. Once I get started I just keep going like that Energizer bunny… Yes I’ve also been called that way too many times. New Halloween costume idea.

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I’ll be wearing those shades too.

And after i went to the beach w my best, it was really a good time, socializing always lifts me up for the rest of the day! We discussed our job dilemmas bec in our early 20’s, i feel like girls all feel so lost on their journey. Esp for girls who always aimed to please growing up. Now without school, there are no rules to follow, and it feels like we have to suddenly man up and be more aggressive to go after jobs. Changing who we are. Its scary sheeet!

Aanddd we did go to Souplantation after which is a buffet in case it is foreign to you. It wasn’t a huge issue though I ate mostly salad and some bread stuff but not enough to be too much. Still less than what I used to eat in a day, is my consolation. And also bec I lost weight today I feel like safe to eat. Maybe I’ll start weighing every other day bec right now… its yo-yoing all over the place.
DOES ANYONE EVEN READ MY POSTS?!!! Seriously I lovee reading your comments and your pages too. No ghosts! 🙂

CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

xo AB

Fattttt

So today I went to the beach after work, my dads house is a few blocks from it so I went by myself and splashed aroind in the waves for 10 minutes. It was marvelous! Every time those waves hit me, the smile I get just lights up my face!

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I took this pic today!

So I felt the most in shape of the other women @ the beach, but that’s because they’re older/have had children already so they have an excuse. I’m still 23 and just like to eat when bored lolz.

Anyway, came home and decided well why not just eat junk food. I’m not sure why exactly I wanted to start, I think I felt some shame of my thghs walking around in a swimsuit, so I fed that shame with more food, bec I use food as a numbing mechanism sometimes.. So I binged on a cup of ice cream, chocolate chips and quesadillas. But I don’t purge because that, I’ve noticed, makes me feel utterly worthless for up to two weeks after. Just binge.

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So either way I wasn’t gonna even write it on here bec I’m ashamed, and it’s super easy for me to feel like I have some sort of image to keep up… I write on here like how I text my friends, with the same honesty. But I’m not THIS honest w my friends when it brings me serious shame.
Bingeing = shame

But I love you guys and truly don’t want to hide myself. I’m trying to remain transparent like Scotch tape.

How do u guys prevent emotional eating?!

xo AB