Fatty Out of Control – Make Way!

Okay whyyy have i been eating everything sight today?!
I often do this when there’s a social outing coming up that I have anxiety towards. I have anxiety towards many social events tbh, but esp. ones where I know I’ll have to show my body.
On Sat is a pool party for my mom’s bday and Sunday is another girls bday party, and we’re going to a nudist beach. Like all of these possibilities for them to see the thunder thighs just panics me, and so then I eat. But its all a subconscious thing. Like I have to think about it, mid-face stuffing, why it is that I’m eating so much, and then I realized its probably the anxiety over the upcoming possibility of showing my body.
This is an issue where I predict the future, accept my prediction as a fact, and allow that to affect my present happiness. I don’t actually know what will happen at the beach. I don’t know if I’ll end up taking off any clothes, I don’t know that I’ll be perceived as fat or as skinny. I don’t know that my body will even be looked at! But its sooo ingrained in my head that my thighs is all my friends will look at…

image

Eeeek that’s my fear. And then they’ll whisper to each other omg shes gained weight! Shes not like us.

I have that body type where I only gain weight in my thighs. I’m tired of trying to hide them, but its also become a habit to try and hide the legs. So I habitually avoid three fourths of my clothing. I haven’t even imagined myself wearing the skinny size 2 pants. Maybe I can imagine it though. Hmm one minute.
Okay how about my red pants that I’ve worn maybe two times in total.

image

Yea that’s pretty thin. I could do it if I just juiced and ate fruit and cooked vegetables only. No cereal and cheeses and nuts and yogurt.
Hmmm.
So yesterday I was 124 and today I’m just a cow so I don’t knowww
Gaaaaah
CW:125?
GW1:120
GW2: 116

See some days I’m a life coach and other days I’m like FML SOMEBODY HELP MEEE
Post your CW and GW and your opinions pleeeaasseee!
I want support, can I have it?!

xo
AB

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It’s Great to Be Alive!

Today Is Great!

Nekter Juice
Hey skinny and beautiful girls!

So I had some green juice that I had made from 2 days ago again this morning!! Juice is something to have in the mornings and if you want it again, then as a snack in the afternoon, but all done before 4 pm. I just have it in the morning bec it stirs up so much activity in my body that I usually get bloated if I have it randomly mixed in with other food groups. The digestive enzymes just clash with each other and create gas in the stomach. And then I feel fat!
So anyway, I feel great today!! Like what’s so cool about juicing is that I don’t crave sugar. I’ll eat it occassionally but I don’t feel the need to binge, because deep down, my nutrient need is getting met from that juice I think. Also, I feel like the natural hunger hormones of leptin and ghrelin get naturally regulated by the juice. Because I never feel hungry anymore when I juice! I think it’s gently telling my body to not eat so that it can return back to it’s normal set weight of what it wants to be at. Before with all this dieting shit, I was like fighting my body. I was

HUNGRY

and wanted

SUGAR

and now I’m rarely hungry. If I do crave sugar, I know that’s because my body feel like it desperately needs food, so it thinks of the fattiest thing it can find, because that’s the quickest way for it to get the calories that it needs. So since I am aware of that, I’ll often have a bowl of oatmeal
(3/4 cup-1 cup oatmeal with water and heated in the microwave for a minute) with a banana sliced up on top, and that cures the craving for sugar. Almost immediately!

Oatmeal

We’ll see how things keep going! I’m honestly just waiting for something negative to happen because I can hardly believe that things are going so well! It’s like, is this to good to be true? Am I REALLY this happy all day long and eating healthy and never wanting junk, and do I REALLY have soooo much energy?! Especially since I have no job, I normally would be depressed as shit and feel like I have no self worth. Like my job defined me?! It used to be being in school that I also claimed would define my happiness. It’s all in my mind and the way I perceive things though, and it’s also in the way that I eat! THOSE are what determine my happiness. In other words, what I’m learning is, the only thing that really determines my happiness is…
me!!

Also, eating so naturally has awakened my spirituality even more so than ever. It’s like my body is aligning properly at last. When I “interpretive dance” as my bf used to call it, well the moves just flow through me, like I am unblocking something in myself so that a deeper source of creativity is connecting and flowing through me.
It’s amazing and so beautiful!

Dance

I love you all!!

xo
AB

Damnit

True to my word, I didn’t eat yesterday. Welll until 10 pm when I had a probiotic mini yogurt drink (60 cal) and a nectarine.
So that was good enough.

Today I was doing good, just had coffee with almond milk (30 cals) and some hazelnut creamer, 2 nectarines(60×2=120), 2 carrots(50 cals), and a cup of hot almond milk (40 cals)sweetened w stevia and cinnamon. But then I waited to exercise till the night and when I came back I was just dreaming of cheesy pasta. So I made some. First I had a probiotic drink (60cals) to boost my digestion, and then some cottage cheese (80 cals). So the pasta ended up tasting terribly bec it was just rlly bad quality ingredients. My dad’s gf used to live here so all of the food was hers. She buys like crap processed foods that are an off brand label. TRASH!!! UGGGHHH like I just am not saying she is trash, but I’m so used to having wholesome food, and so my body just really is turned off from all this junk.  Anyway, it just didn’t taste good so I threw it out after a few bites and then made beans with shredded cheese and microwaved, then put some chips and lettuce leaves in it. Nachos with lettuce I guess. It was okay but also made mainly from the crap ingredients she left us.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE OFF OF SUCH CRAP FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS like I would just be so depressed simply bec it tastes so unnatural and dead. Like fruit and vegetables taste alive, and the processed food tastes dead. It looks dead too.But yea, like I really didn’t like the nachos much, they just aren’t fulfilling. I don’t know what is.

So to be honest, I originally had placed a picture of nachos here, but I realized that I absolutely hate when people do that to me! Like I’m innocently scrolling and BAM, there’s some hard core junk food in front of my eyes! Like cookies or some really sugary looking thing, and now I immediately want that food.
See, I care about you guys too much, so I am NOT gonna post some fatty food pic, just to create a craving in u that you didn’t even have before my page!!
So instead:

 

 

thin

I think this starvation thing works sometimes but also doesn’t work sometimes. My body is demanding to be fed so the longer I go without eating, the more higher calorie foods it craves. It’s part of the whole survival mechanism. Like the cavemen. Oh so did you know? I have been reading the Body Book by Cameron Diaz, and I read that we like sweets because way back then, the sweet foods were always the safest ones to eat, like they weren’t poisonous. While the sour and bitter ones, often WERE poisonous. But we also love high calorie foods (All of them, not just sweets) because way back when, when we didn’t know when we’d get our next meal, our body taught us to be drawn to high calorie things so that we could stock up on fat. And then it could be stored in the reserves, like our legs and arms and butts, for later use. Explains a lot, right?
So our environment and surroundings have changed, but our bodies have not. They still crave the same things, as if we lived out in the wild! We might as well go abandon society and go live in the woods y’all. Then at least we’d be back on our body’s natural rhythm and be skinny and lean!

I think instead of “fasting” all day, just to break it at night, I will aim for eating vegetables intermixed with some fruit all day. Maybe half fasting, like still eating very rarely throughout the day, but when I do eat, I’ll have raw foods.
veggies

Vegetables legit do take away my cravings for junk, bec they have the nutrients that my body needs. And since I so rarely eat vegetables, my body is always desiring their vitamins.
And before u tell me to just take a supplement, no, vitamins in a bottle do not work. Well, they hardly work! The body best absorbs things in their natural form, through natural food.

Anyway, not happy with myself, but not allowing myself to get too upset.
How do you guys stay on the diet without breaking it? Do I have to want it more? Maybe I have some fear of success in this…. maybe I need to stop envisioning the future, bec the future is just scaring me? And just think of right now, and how i will not eat right now

My CW: 125
GW1: 120
GW2: 117
GW3: 114
GW4: 110
GW5: 105

K THAT’S A LOT OF GOAL WEIGHTS
Comment your CW GW and height! And your opinions!! I like those a lot 🙂
I love you guys!


xo
AB