In love w my sibling

I’ve stopped binge eating the last few weeks. In its place, I’ve been asking for more physical touch from people. And ive noticed that my intense desire for physical touch is ignored by my mind, because it feels that’s not “socially acceptable”. So then my mind encourages me to get the endorphin release in a more “safe way” – over eating. Eating fried foods or ice cream or muffins. This is powerful stuff people, listen up. Really. Its not food that we want. Its other humans that we want. Oh.

And im in love w my younger brother.

I am sexually attracted to him. And I haven’t told him. I’ve just told other people. and other people are okay with it. Because they know me, and love me, and so they find a way to understand. I guess. And also, I think by me admitting that I’m attracted to my sibling, and not only him, but all male family members, it gives other people freedom to admit things they r ashamed about. A few ppl have told me they’ve been very attracted to their dad’s, or their cousins. So yes. Please. Share.

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Im crying all the time because I’m resisting my feelings for my brother. He’s 18 and I’m 23. I live with him and my dad and my uncle. I’ve been pulling away from him since my sexual desires for him became so powerful. We share a bed at my moms apartment sometimes and one night i felt like he was my old boyfriend laying next to me, and i felt immense attraction. I feel like hiding in a cave like “I should be ashamed of my feelings. How dare I feel this way!” I’m sharing this because I want people to talk about this with! Like others who have same experiences.
xo
AB

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Not Chipper

Depressed and fat.
I ate a lot but i was depressed before that. Now my stomach is just past the point of bursting and it hurts its so full, and I still feel so alone.
I did try a bit, well actually I just contacted 4 of my friends and told them I felt down and sad and wondered why it was that I was feeling this way yet AGAIN (I was like this last night too). One said she was depressed too, while another said maybe I get my happiness from other people, and that’s why I feel down when I’m alone. Another said that she sometimes also feels unwanted and lonely, and it’s normal for everyone. And the one who used to be my closest best friend didn’t answer. I don’t expect much from her lately, her boyfriend is her life. And we are just different now. i’m trying to find myself now, and shes trying to be all about that monogamous life and have her bf be her world. And her bf’s family. It’s whatever.I still try w her though bec she still knows me best and I still feel the most fulfilled when spending time with her. Although lately I guess that’s changing.
Anyway, last night when i felt depressed i decided to take care of my happiness, and i went on Facebook messenger and saw i had a message from a guy i had met a few days earlier at this “authentic relationships” workshop. And so we messaged back and forth a little about our beliefs on sexuality and taboo topics, like being attracted to my sibling (yes, society condemns it, but i want to question everything society condemns, bec society is totally fear based and our rules make no sense). And then I said: hey, how about we hang out right now? And he said well okay fine, he’d have to put on some clothes on bec he was studying in the nude, but he was down! So I drove 40 minutes to his house and we hung out and had a deep convo on sex positions and life and relationships for 3 hours! It was good, and I felt filled up inside. Like we really just didn’t act fake or that we had our shit together. We just spoke about our problems and our past. Or he spoke mainly, but that’s what I wanted.
energy flow
But then today, I felt utterly alone and sort of worthless. I hung out with my mom for 1.5 hours, but there isnt much to say to her I feel like. She’s filled w stories about her dating life, but I don’t date so I don’t like hearing about her stories. And so she gets mad at me that I’m not supportive of every one of her highs and lows. Like get over yourself woman, I feel sooo alone right now and you don’t even notice, and you’ve NEVER noticed! I don’t expect people to read minds, but I know that I pick up on verbal and visual cues a lot, and even if I didn’t, I ALWAYS ask people about themselves constantly. With my Mom, she steamrolls right over the person she’s with and keeps talking about herself and her newest hookup and how she really likes him. Like ya, u say that about every guy. She literally has sex with about 3-7 men a week. Like it’s not fun for me to keep feigning interest in excitement in each one, and then feigning sadness when they disappear from her life. Like it’s just waaay too much emotion.

Anyway, yesterday, I took care of my happiness. Today, I didn’t, I ate instead. And felt even worse I think. And ran out of people to ask to hang out with. Altho in reality there is no shortage of people. We are SURROUNDED by people, and they all want to connect. They’re just scared to, and all pretending they’re happy. They’re not though.
I don’t like being around ppl who say their life is great. It makes me feel like they’re lying. I guess I can’t truly believe that someone’s life is actually so perfect that they don’t need any more connection or changes in their life.

I’ve been junk eating as soon as I get home from work and told myself it was ok bec it was just one meal a day but I saw today that I was 130! So I’m gaining if anything. Altho I look the same/ thinner in my stomach.
I just want to be alone and depressed for a week.

xo
AB

Sexual Awakening

Latest Adventures

Hiiii cuties
So a lot of sexual awakening has been happening in me the past 2 weeks, because I’ve been allowing it finally! Two weeks ago I had a 3some with my good friend and her new girlfriend, and this weekend I went to a gay bar and then 2 strip clubs w my mom and her friend and my friend, and then spontaneously joined a bachelor party that we met at the first strip club, hopped on their party van and went back with them to their beach mansion where we all hung out and talked and took Molly, and just stayed up all night talking and laughing. It was so fun!!
So being at the strip clubs made me realllyyy want to dance, because I feel so empowered when I dance, like give lap dances or just dance sexually. So I gave my friend a lap dance at the first one and then got a stern reprimand from the bouncer, and at the second one gave this hot guy from the bachelor party a lap dance and also got a talking to from a black bouncer haha
But anyway, try doing everything in a more sexual way! I read from this spiritual book that was channeled, that higher conscious beings integrate sexuality into all that they do, because sexuality is the core of our power. So I’ve been slowly doing everything more sexually: the way I walk, the way I smoke hookah, the way I eat Jello shots… Just doing it all very seductively, when I feel so inclined, and it feel so EFFING EMPOWERING like when guys and girls stare at me longingly, and then look away so I don’t catch them haha

And in terms of seeing other people be sexual… I love that! I still remember one girl in highschool was really pretty and thin, and she got up to walk to the front of the class to pick up her graded test, and I really wanted her to walk with her head up, with confidence, because it would go well with her beautiful body. And then she walked with her head down and sort of rushed up and back, and I could feel her discomfort. And it made me sad/frustrated, like dammit, I really wanted you to walk with confidence. Just because I love to look at it!
Walk

The way the models walk, with their arms up in the air… well that’s how I like to dance. Just feel the freedom and energy flowing through me. And for some reason it really draws people to me to watch like WOW. I think they’re not even sure what they love about it, but I’ve been theorizing that it’s my freedom that they’re drawn to.
models

Possibly Wild Job

And now what I’d like to say is that I realize I want a job where I’m dancing. A go-go dancer or a stripper job. Like I love being watched, but I’m also okay dancing with no one in the room, just because I love that I’m expressing myself through dance. The energy flows through me and it’s often a spiritual experience.

I went to a polyamory workshop with my mom last night, and talked to a guy there who had also gone to the Landmark Forum with me, and I asked him how hes changed since going to it. Hes buff and sort of short and has square glasses and has that look about him like one of those ppl who works at Apple. So he said he always had this idea that he needed to design Apps for Apple and stuff, but he always would put off applying and pursuing. He then realized its because it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he was trying to do those jobs because that’s what he thought his friends and family wanted him to do. So he completely went a diff way and started a nutrition business of sorts.
So I told him about stripping/go-go dancing, and he told me that he saw that the common theme for me was that I liked to dance, so what did I want to create for myself in my life where I could use dance? Because I could be a stripper if I wanted, he said, just try it out, but I could also create my own job/experience. Like I don’t have to fit into one of the roles that my surroundings already have a place for. Strippers and go-go dancers already have a place held open for them in society. These jobs were created by someone at one point, to fulfill a need/desire.
Well then, why not create my own – something new – based upon what I want, and how I feel?! CREATE MY OWN?! I love it!! I feel overwhelmed a bit at the prospect of creating a new website or a new job outlet where I’d use my dancing in a new way, that hasn’t been done before. But why not get paid for that? Because honestly, people do love watching me do it, and honestly, I do love doing it. So it’s a win-win right?
So after the poly workshop, I told my mom last night that I wanted to be a stripper and I was laughing and so she was laughing too and then getting serious, then laughing again, bec she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. But then she was cool with it (as I knew she would be, bec she’s one of the most sexual ppl I know) and then said that she wants to be one too so we’ll have to strip at different clubs haha
My mom makes a good income, is middle class and works as a consultant, and has an awesome boss and a lot of freedom in her job and so her boss is very aware of her sexuality and stuff, but he’s cool with it haha

So i think she wouldn’t really pursue it, because she’s not as passionate about dance as I am. She expresses her sexuality through actual sex. Probably explains why she has sex with sooo many men.
Anyway, yep, that’s where my mind has been lately!

Oh and with the food thing, I’ve been eating more on and off, and it is more out of of boredom now than because of stress or anxiety. So I think that’s a good change although honestly I question a lot, do I REALLY want to be thin? Bec if I did, wouldn’t I be eating less? One possibility: it’s easy for me to be skinny, its harder for me to gain weight, so I’m trying to challenge myself by gaining. How do I switch that mindset? It’s harder for me to work out a lot I guess. Like that is a challenge. Not the being skinny part, but the working out part.
Perhaps my goal can be that, and not the body part.

Love you all!
Let me know what you think of all this 🙂


xo
AB