Damnit

True to my word, I didn’t eat yesterday. Welll until 10 pm when I had a probiotic mini yogurt drink (60 cal) and a nectarine.
So that was good enough.

Today I was doing good, just had coffee with almond milk (30 cals) and some hazelnut creamer, 2 nectarines(60×2=120), 2 carrots(50 cals), and a cup of hot almond milk (40 cals)sweetened w stevia and cinnamon. But then I waited to exercise till the night and when I came back I was just dreaming of cheesy pasta. So I made some. First I had a probiotic drink (60cals) to boost my digestion, and then some cottage cheese (80 cals). So the pasta ended up tasting terribly bec it was just rlly bad quality ingredients. My dad’s gf used to live here so all of the food was hers. She buys like crap processed foods that are an off brand label. TRASH!!! UGGGHHH like I just am not saying she is trash, but I’m so used to having wholesome food, and so my body just really is turned off from all this junk.  Anyway, it just didn’t taste good so I threw it out after a few bites and then made beans with shredded cheese and microwaved, then put some chips and lettuce leaves in it. Nachos with lettuce I guess. It was okay but also made mainly from the crap ingredients she left us.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE OFF OF SUCH CRAP FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS like I would just be so depressed simply bec it tastes so unnatural and dead. Like fruit and vegetables taste alive, and the processed food tastes dead. It looks dead too.But yea, like I really didn’t like the nachos much, they just aren’t fulfilling. I don’t know what is.

So to be honest, I originally had placed a picture of nachos here, but I realized that I absolutely hate when people do that to me! Like I’m innocently scrolling and BAM, there’s some hard core junk food in front of my eyes! Like cookies or some really sugary looking thing, and now I immediately want that food.
See, I care about you guys too much, so I am NOT gonna post some fatty food pic, just to create a craving in u that you didn’t even have before my page!!
So instead:

 

 

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I think this starvation thing works sometimes but also doesn’t work sometimes. My body is demanding to be fed so the longer I go without eating, the more higher calorie foods it craves. It’s part of the whole survival mechanism. Like the cavemen. Oh so did you know? I have been reading the Body Book by Cameron Diaz, and I read that we like sweets because way back then, the sweet foods were always the safest ones to eat, like they weren’t poisonous. While the sour and bitter ones, often WERE poisonous. But we also love high calorie foods (All of them, not just sweets) because way back when, when we didn’t know when we’d get our next meal, our body taught us to be drawn to high calorie things so that we could stock up on fat. And then it could be stored in the reserves, like our legs and arms and butts, for later use. Explains a lot, right?
So our environment and surroundings have changed, but our bodies have not. They still crave the same things, as if we lived out in the wild! We might as well go abandon society and go live in the woods y’all. Then at least we’d be back on our body’s natural rhythm and be skinny and lean!

I think instead of “fasting” all day, just to break it at night, I will aim for eating vegetables intermixed with some fruit all day. Maybe half fasting, like still eating very rarely throughout the day, but when I do eat, I’ll have raw foods.
veggies

Vegetables legit do take away my cravings for junk, bec they have the nutrients that my body needs. And since I so rarely eat vegetables, my body is always desiring their vitamins.
And before u tell me to just take a supplement, no, vitamins in a bottle do not work. Well, they hardly work! The body best absorbs things in their natural form, through natural food.

Anyway, not happy with myself, but not allowing myself to get too upset.
How do you guys stay on the diet without breaking it? Do I have to want it more? Maybe I have some fear of success in this…. maybe I need to stop envisioning the future, bec the future is just scaring me? And just think of right now, and how i will not eat right now

My CW: 125
GW1: 120
GW2: 117
GW3: 114
GW4: 110
GW5: 105

K THAT’S A LOT OF GOAL WEIGHTS
Comment your CW GW and height! And your opinions!! I like those a lot 🙂
I love you guys!


xo
AB

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OK biggest secret in my life

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I have been best friends with this girl for 10 years now, we’re both 23, and she gives me so much unconditional love all the time. The only person outside of my family who consistently does. Its like she is a sister from a past life. Or maybe a lover. We’re just on the same wavelength all the time. In terms of the words we say, and the struggles we feel we have, and the forward growth and self improvement that we create in our lives. I also give her unconditional love and encourage her sexuality and self expression and freedom, because I feel people are drawn to her free spirit like a light beacon, and our impulsiveness and wildness is something to nurture and let shine.

My secret is: I feel like I love her like actually all-encompassing love, and i want to do more with her than just hug. I want to try making out  (longer than our occasional drunk makeouts that quickly end in us laughing) and  I want to hook up like sleep together. Side note: ive never been w a girl – the most I’ve done is make out with girls. Which ive done quite a few times actually.

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She has a boyfriend of 2 yearsish and they r very much in love w each other. They live together, and have for about a year now and both r incredibly loyal people. Which means they’ll never leave, even if the relationship turns unhealthy.  But it is quite healthy. Just saying this to say that I support their relationship and do not seek to compete w her boyfriend or have them break up. He’s a nice guy too.

What’s crazy is that I never had these feelings until this year. Or never acknowledged that I had them.

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Okay wow I ought to give that to her haha

But aaah this is like something I have not written down before, so im looking around cautiously as i write this haha. I’m normally transparent and tell my friends everything, so this is new for me to keep a secret. And its a big one. Well actually, that’s a story I made up. Its not necessarily a big secret. I could just tell her. But I haven’t yet, and I am freaking ashamed of these feelings.
In fact, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of them, thinking things like
“Oh, I only have these feelings because I don’t have any guys in my life and don’t let any new guys into my heart, so she’s the only one who I’ve let in into my life … So naturally I may create feelings for her”. Or “I just want to try being bi, because i want to push my comfort zone and dissolve the boundaries i once created for my relationships – so I’m just creating a feeling that isn’t really there”.

But I’m thinking, why ignore the feeling? Why run from it? Why explain it? (We LOVE to analyze and understand “why” don’t we?) And also… why keepy feelings a secret? I feel like the longer something remains a secret, the more power I unintentionally give it, like i had been thinking it has some sort of destructive explosive power if I shared it with someone. It doesn’t have to be true though.
When I say the secret to the person, it takes all the power out of it. Knocks the wind out of its sails. Its called being authentic. But the thing is, do i want to change our relationship from a close friendship to something with more affection and more expressed love?
I mean yea i do want that! Right now it feels too safe. And there’s a possibility she may want to explore too. And if she doesn’t? Then I can say oh well, I was just being honest and true to myself!

Help. Seriously. I’m so glad this blog is here.

xo
AB

Mia Problems

First of all. You’re awesome. And I love you.  I love you because you are a brilliant and wise soul living a human experience. And actually, I love you because love is what I stand for; I am a loving human being, who gives love.

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Courtney Love in in ’09
Too pale but not too skinny!

So omgomg I ate SO much yesterday/this morning. Pulled an all nighter after doing some college quizzes that were due online by midnight. I noticed when I haven’t looked at proana stuff for a week or two and then go back to it, I overeat a lot. And then diet. So I’m gonna stick to the second part.

Btw 2 months ago I got a FatBurner pill from this website of beauty and health products called “ItWorks!” Www.myitworks.com, and someone I know swears by their products. So if you agree to get one product every month for 3 months, then u can pay for the products at the cheaper price without paying for the membership price.

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Not showing my full face bec I’m being anonymous!

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Has caffeine and green tea extract in it.
So the FatBurner pill I don’t use that often bec it makes me hyper as shit haha but also because from prior experience to products w caffeine, my body builds up a tolerance super fast to where I need it every day just to not get headaches. So I use it every now and again after a meal. But if u guys want to lose weight, I think its effective just because it makes u: not hungry and makes u want to move. I’m not sure if it burns extra carbs just on its own, I sort of figured that was their advertising ploy bec its better to say “you’ll sit around and burn fat” than to say “you’re gonna want to move and run around like a wild maniac and you’ll stop eating, and that’s how you’ll burn the cals”. Bec the second slogan sounds, well, not so relaxing.

So here’s my new fave gum as of this past week:

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Its like a Spearmint flavor and lasts insanely long (I think)

So I’m trying this new thing where I have “integrity”, some lingo we learned in the Landmark Forum meaning when we say we’ll do something… we do it. I think you’re all quite smart and don’t actually have trouble w vocab words but I guess for me, I never had thought of what exactly that word meant.
So I like having integrity because I feel like I can rely on myself. I feel dependable. I feel responsible for what occurs in my life, and let me tell u, that feeling is awesome, and empowering! I mean we are all responsible for our own lives actually, but I never acted like I fully was responsible.

So this tangent was because I say I am not eating today so now I won’t eat!

I really am thankful to you for reading this and just for being in this community!!

xo
AB

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
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Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
love self

But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

pretty

All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
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Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
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And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB

Hair Falling Out?! Here’s my Cure :)

Hair

Hey y’all so I’ve had this issue where my hair falls out and it’s been doing this for like 4 years… I always eat super healthy but I’m vegetarian so apparently don’t get the protein needed to make Keratin, which is 90% of what our hair is made up of I guess. My hair dresser has been getting on my case and had me sign up for hair skin and nail vitamins from ItWorks!, this website that has diet vitamins and shit.

So it hasn’t made a difference so far and it’s been a month… so I took matters into my own hands and looked up how to naturally build up Keratin. Because as I’ve often heard, the vitamin business is the biggest scam. Our bodies can’t really absorb what’s in pill form so well. So I found that the combo of Vitamin C and protein eaten together is what will both put keratin in your body, and break it down for your body to use. Apparently broccoli, kale, and brussel sprouts have a lot of Vitamin C, as well as soymilk. As for protein, I hard boil eggs, but dairy products like yogurt and cottage cheese also work well.

Broccoli
So today for dinner I steamed 2 heads of broccoli, put lemon on it, and hard boiled 3 eggs. OMGGG THE BROCCOLI TASTES AMAZING. I couldn’t get enough!! I just realized that although I considered myself organic and healthy and shit, it’s super easy to forget to eat vegetables aside from the lettuce in salad. I guess my body really was craving that broccoli. Imma have to buy more tomorrow…

Apparently one full head of broccoli = 98 cals, but I threw away the stalk, which makes up almost half the calories. Both the stalk and the florets are equally nutritious I guess.

So fairly low cal and it’s filled with vitamins which is important because I don’t want to have sallow skin or go bald just bec I’m losing weight!

And for a nice laugh for you all, if anyone has seen White Chicks, this scene is hilarious but also reminds me of Ana, and in the end of the day, I actually hope I don’t see myself so falsely as she does!

xo AB

Being Easy on Myself & Triggers?

Note of Thanks

So first I want to say how much i appreciate you girls, and the wonderful support network you give!! I seriously love this community, it makes me feel super a part of something and not alone! My friends simply would NOT understand my food situations, but you girls do!

Is There Such Thing as a Trigger?

So after the group BBQ which surprisingly I got away with eating not much… I decided to go to the gym for a quick swim before coming home. It was actually suuuper refreshing I only swam like 5-10 laps (i count a lap as there and back), and showered there. Then I came home and saw pizza that my Dad had left out for whoever wanted it – and I decided to eat more. *sigh*  However, it felt like I was very much aware of what I was doing. Like I didn’t feel out of control, it was just like oh hey there’s pizza here, I’ll have a slice. Or two. And eat it slowly. And then some ice cream sundae after. And then Cinnamon Life cereal with some melted chocolate on it. haha oh noooo, reading this, maybe I am creating an illusion in my head that I was in control! Okay I said I would be honest so now I’m being honest! Wow this is really hard for me to just admit it all.
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So yea like in retrospect not the healthiest to eat it all, but I’m trying to not freak out on myself. Because from prior experience, if I freaked out that I ate all that, then I would immediately hate myself and feel suicidal. So at least today I’m not suicidal lolz. Not happy with the food I ate but also I thiiink I will be okay, ESPECIALLY because of the wonderful support network you guys give me!!

The whole trigger thing is interesting though. Many say oh shiiiit I started eating and now I simply cannot stop! But we can all stop. Proof: if you can’t stop, then you’d be on a straight eating binge for years, no sleep, no breaks…. So eventually we always stop! For me, I think eating at the BBQ lowered the barrier between me and food, so it made it easier for me to begin eating more. But it was not out of my control! So I didn’t even finish the Chex with chocolate because I was okay with the eating, and not hating myself for it. Being OKAY with it made it super easy to stop part way through.

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I think what also helped me stop is that i ate slowly and just checked in with myself like okay this is what I’m doing right now, be aware that I am eating all this junk and be aware of WHY I am eating it. Sooooo I try not to feel that there are any “triggers” because that’s like saying that everything is out of your control, and ANY and EVERYthing can cause you to relapse!  Eating disorders aside, all disorders have common themes in them. Skin picking, alcoholism, drug use, etc… all have “triggers”.  I personally don’t want to spend my life dancing around a mine field of triggers, with fear that I’ll accidentally step on one and then internally blow up! Like that’s no way to live, living in fear?!

I’ve read that the opposite of fear is love. So if we’re not doing something out of love, then we’re doing it out of fear. Well yea, I’m trying not to live in fear.

Easier said than done y’all. ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK AT THAT SCALE OMG FEAR FEAR FEAR. NO LOVE THERE!

What are your thoughts cuties?! I’m just a preacher with not much experience, I bet you all know far more about this than I do! Write your CW & GW also if u have one 🙂

CW: 127.6

GW1: 115

GW2: 110

xo AB

Dieting in Social Settings

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Social gatherings centered around food are situations I’ve always disliked. Why not have group hiking, group cliff jumping into the water, group something that’s not about stuffing your face? I feel like doing active things is truly living, but escaping into food… Is not. Group food gatherings are just something people have done for so long that they continue the habit, but its not a healthy habit to me.

So my best friend’s family is having a BBQ by her new pool and we are all expected to come because her boyfriend who I’ve never met will be there. They’ve been dating almost 3 years, mostly long distance, so he’s pretty important to her. But I don’t want to eat. Especially not around my skinny model- look-alike friends!
They all just have very thin body types naturally, are 5′ 9- 5′-11, and are not too into working out. Nor do they prioritize eating healthy. But I think they just are not huge fans of food so they don’t eat much on a regular basis… Food is not their go-to stress reliever like it has been for me. So I’m the off one out because I am the shortest 5′-5.5″, and I get muscle super easily. So im always working out daily and like bickering with food while they’re just gracefully sailing by haha

The girl who is hosting this BBQ is annoyingly obsessive with making sure people around her eat. She’s really really thin, has a boyish figure (no curves at all) and is Chinese and Filipino. And in the Filipino culture… you stuff your face. Especially at family gatherings.
I see it as unhealthy when one concerns themselves with other peoples affairs and tries to control them i.e. tells them to eat more or tells them to stop being so loud in public places… And I’ve told her twice now that I don’t like it when she makes me feel guilty for not eating the same junk that she eats (it took a lot of courage for me to say something). So she said okay, she understood that her and I just ate differently, but still she often rolls her eyes when I decline food because I have a 400 cal frappuccino that I’m currently drinking. She says that’s a drink, not food. Its like okay well I’m pretty sure this drink is more cals than your entire meal so why don’t you stfu?!!
Anyway, that’s what I’m concerned about at this damn BBQ because we must prance around in our bikinis but also stuff our faces. I’m down to do the first, but not the second!

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We are all free and in charge of ourselves and no one else! For all of you who feel like repressed or confused bec the people around you are telling you that you’re being unhealthy or healthy… That is NOT their place to decide! Some say that me exercising every day is unhealthy bec its “obsessive”, while others say its very healthy and necessary in order to keep up the endorphins and have a happy mind. But i try to listen to my body and my mind… What feels right for me. I noticed I feel severely depressed and fat if I don’t do cardio for just one day, so if I want to be happy every day, then I do some cardio every day. Just 15 minutes is all I need to feel happy and not guilty! Someone could say that’s unhealthy thinking, but their opinions do not matter bec what matters is that I am happy with myself!
Anyway, I have issues haha and I am not looking forward to this BBQ. I am because I love my friends, but I am not looking forward to having some awk battle w my friend over what I eat. If she does try to say something I’ll have to remind her that she is in control of her life as I am in control of mine!
CW: 123
GW1: 115
GW2: 110