Self Expression and Binge

Check In!

Hey girlsss so a lot has gone on, mostly good things!
I’ve been really interested in open relationships lately, and I’ve been hanging out with guys who have girlfriends, not sexually, but just to talk to them about deep things. Like why they do what they do. How they see the world, and encouraging them as well as challenging how they see it.
Both guys thanked me after our conversation, one by saying how he really loves that he can be authentic with me, because no one else lets him be. And the other said he really has been craving deep conversation, and this is the first he’s had in a while, and thank you for that.

What I realized about romantic relationships… they’re not all the same intensity! When I was with my boyfriend, he was my everything and we developed a very deep relationship. After a while it fizzled, and all we had was our memory of the depth we had gone to, but depth which we no longer continuously created. But a lot of guys I meet however, say they love their girlfriends, but keep seeking out connection outside the relationship. Which to me, is not bad, but just shows that 1 person is not enough for them. Or maybe they are with this girlfriend because they’d rather be with someone than be alone, but because they’re in it out of easiness, they don’t have an interest in improving and strengthening the relationship.
And actually, maybe one person is not enough to anyone. Who knows.
So here’s my theory and explanation for everything in our world:

I think it is our natural human nature to constantly have love flowing through us and from us, to everyone else.

And in our society, we shut down this hugely infinte source of love within us and instead, only allow our love to be expressed to one sig other, and a limited expression of love to our friends and family is acceptable too. Right? So I am challenging that. I want to be fully self-expressed, and I want everyone else to be also. Because self-expression is joy and love and light, and amazing to be around. It’s life.

So I want to be around open relationships because I feel it is spiritual, and it is the beginning of an understanding of the depths of our love.

Up until 2 months ago, I did nott like the concept of boyfriends hanging out w other girls or being “shady”, but now, I’m like LET THE GUYS DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. Let people do what they are doing. No judgement. Love them as they are being. We are all just trying to find our way!
I’m going to compare us humans to candles.. Sometimes I see people trapping themselves into these monogamous relationships but they’re not getting their needs met, and instead of taking responsibility for getting their needs met, they allow themselves to suffer in monogamy. I see their joy and spark for life (flame) get smaller and smaller as they don’t allow themselves freedom. Just like a candle slowly burns out when it doesn’t get oxygen…. we humans need oxygen, freedom, to live!

Food

And now the more interesting part to many maybe. My eating habits,
Been struggling w binge eating but afraid to admit it to people. In the Landmark forum that I’m in, which is a self-help/transformation program, we have team members that we must stay in contact with and we all talk to each other about our “breakdowns”, so that together, we can help each other have “breakthroughs”. the philosophy is we must have a breakdown to have a breakthrough. A breakdown is when we’re trying to work on something in our life and we fail. Like trying to lose weight, or trying to stop binge eating. A breakthrough is a transformation in our way of being. We perceive the world differently after a breakthrough.
So they said in order to get past our breakdown, we first need to identify red flags for when we are having a breakdown. For me, it’s when I start to crave sugar or food in general, then I know I am starting to turn to food to deal with something. So I need to look right then at my life and see hmm, what just happened? And then I’ll see something that triggers my desire to eat to deal wth it. So for me, it was the fact that I have a potential interview, and I worry that I have to look skinny, so I worry about how I’ll hide my fat legs.
Then, we need to drop our old way of dealing with the problem, and we need to create the possibility of a new way of being.
So for me, I binge eat at night, which I guess is a time when I must face or look at my issues. The issues of the day can be put off by keeping busy, until night time when i cannot escape. I create the possibility for being a courageous and powerful human being, and that’s how I am for everyone.
Okay there we go. Hmmm, that might work actually…
I already ate a lot tonight though gaaah been staying at the same weight for so long!
CWl 127
GW1:121
GW2:118
GW3: 115
GW4: 110

i love you all!!

models

beauty

xo
AB

Sexual Awakening

Latest Adventures

Hiiii cuties
So a lot of sexual awakening has been happening in me the past 2 weeks, because I’ve been allowing it finally! Two weeks ago I had a 3some with my good friend and her new girlfriend, and this weekend I went to a gay bar and then 2 strip clubs w my mom and her friend and my friend, and then spontaneously joined a bachelor party that we met at the first strip club, hopped on their party van and went back with them to their beach mansion where we all hung out and talked and took Molly, and just stayed up all night talking and laughing. It was so fun!!
So being at the strip clubs made me realllyyy want to dance, because I feel so empowered when I dance, like give lap dances or just dance sexually. So I gave my friend a lap dance at the first one and then got a stern reprimand from the bouncer, and at the second one gave this hot guy from the bachelor party a lap dance and also got a talking to from a black bouncer haha
But anyway, try doing everything in a more sexual way! I read from this spiritual book that was channeled, that higher conscious beings integrate sexuality into all that they do, because sexuality is the core of our power. So I’ve been slowly doing everything more sexually: the way I walk, the way I smoke hookah, the way I eat Jello shots… Just doing it all very seductively, when I feel so inclined, and it feel so EFFING EMPOWERING like when guys and girls stare at me longingly, and then look away so I don’t catch them haha

And in terms of seeing other people be sexual… I love that! I still remember one girl in highschool was really pretty and thin, and she got up to walk to the front of the class to pick up her graded test, and I really wanted her to walk with her head up, with confidence, because it would go well with her beautiful body. And then she walked with her head down and sort of rushed up and back, and I could feel her discomfort. And it made me sad/frustrated, like dammit, I really wanted you to walk with confidence. Just because I love to look at it!
Walk

The way the models walk, with their arms up in the air… well that’s how I like to dance. Just feel the freedom and energy flowing through me. And for some reason it really draws people to me to watch like WOW. I think they’re not even sure what they love about it, but I’ve been theorizing that it’s my freedom that they’re drawn to.
models

Possibly Wild Job

And now what I’d like to say is that I realize I want a job where I’m dancing. A go-go dancer or a stripper job. Like I love being watched, but I’m also okay dancing with no one in the room, just because I love that I’m expressing myself through dance. The energy flows through me and it’s often a spiritual experience.

I went to a polyamory workshop with my mom last night, and talked to a guy there who had also gone to the Landmark Forum with me, and I asked him how hes changed since going to it. Hes buff and sort of short and has square glasses and has that look about him like one of those ppl who works at Apple. So he said he always had this idea that he needed to design Apps for Apple and stuff, but he always would put off applying and pursuing. He then realized its because it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he was trying to do those jobs because that’s what he thought his friends and family wanted him to do. So he completely went a diff way and started a nutrition business of sorts.
So I told him about stripping/go-go dancing, and he told me that he saw that the common theme for me was that I liked to dance, so what did I want to create for myself in my life where I could use dance? Because I could be a stripper if I wanted, he said, just try it out, but I could also create my own job/experience. Like I don’t have to fit into one of the roles that my surroundings already have a place for. Strippers and go-go dancers already have a place held open for them in society. These jobs were created by someone at one point, to fulfill a need/desire.
Well then, why not create my own – something new – based upon what I want, and how I feel?! CREATE MY OWN?! I love it!! I feel overwhelmed a bit at the prospect of creating a new website or a new job outlet where I’d use my dancing in a new way, that hasn’t been done before. But why not get paid for that? Because honestly, people do love watching me do it, and honestly, I do love doing it. So it’s a win-win right?
So after the poly workshop, I told my mom last night that I wanted to be a stripper and I was laughing and so she was laughing too and then getting serious, then laughing again, bec she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. But then she was cool with it (as I knew she would be, bec she’s one of the most sexual ppl I know) and then said that she wants to be one too so we’ll have to strip at different clubs haha
My mom makes a good income, is middle class and works as a consultant, and has an awesome boss and a lot of freedom in her job and so her boss is very aware of her sexuality and stuff, but he’s cool with it haha

So i think she wouldn’t really pursue it, because she’s not as passionate about dance as I am. She expresses her sexuality through actual sex. Probably explains why she has sex with sooo many men.
Anyway, yep, that’s where my mind has been lately!

Oh and with the food thing, I’ve been eating more on and off, and it is more out of of boredom now than because of stress or anxiety. So I think that’s a good change although honestly I question a lot, do I REALLY want to be thin? Bec if I did, wouldn’t I be eating less? One possibility: it’s easy for me to be skinny, its harder for me to gain weight, so I’m trying to challenge myself by gaining. How do I switch that mindset? It’s harder for me to work out a lot I guess. Like that is a challenge. Not the being skinny part, but the working out part.
Perhaps my goal can be that, and not the body part.

Love you all!
Let me know what you think of all this 🙂


xo
AB

Not Bad, Not Bad At All!

jokes

So the scale at the gym today is broken, and has been in fact for the past 2 years ever since they decided the only working scale should be in the personal training section.
Where a trainer weighs you. HAH!
I think a trainer may have weighed me a while back when they first offered me complimentary gym training and I was sooo ashamed! Cause he was like a 24 year old guy and I was 18, and yea, weight is something I ALWAYS try to hide from guys. Wow flashback.
Anyway, so the scale today balanced between 123-127. At 128 it got too heavy, and 122 I think was too light? So I guess it’s a sign from the universe that the specific number doesn’t matter? Idk, I mean I ate sooo much yesterday that I honestly was glad the scale didn’t work haha

So today I vowed to just eat fruit, veggies, and fresh juice that I made. So I bought some kale and came home and juiced :

  • 1 head kale
  • 1 head romaine lettuce
  • 1/2 head celery
  • 6 carrots
  • 1 turmeric root
  • 1 sprig mint
  • 2″ of ginger

Yea I just juice whatever I find. And the kale turns into this dark green juice it looks like an evergreen forest! So beautiful!
Kale Juice
Yes, that’s the color!

Anyway, so literally no one in my life is into juicing. And you know what, it’s okay! Like I actually have no interest in pursuing a major in nutrition. Despite the fact that healthy eating is the core of my happiness. And people have suggested to me that I study holistic nutrition.
You know why I’m not interested? Well I think when people tell others what to do, it’s because they are not satisfied with themselves. I’ll say it again.
When we tell others what to do, it’s because we are not satisfied with that thing in ourselves. If we preach to others to eat right, it’s because we don’t feel stable or certain in our own eating habits.
If we preach to others about HOW TO GET A MAAAAN, well it’s because we’re not certain in our own abilities to get a man.
Right?
We like to project ourselves onto other people. Well actually, that’s all that we do. Project project project. You have an issue with someone? Before telling them why you’re mad, stop and think about what’s wrong in yourself. Seriously.
So I still find myself preaching every now and again, and when I pause to realize what I’m doing, it doesn’t feel right to me…. you know? It doesn’t sit right, I feel uneasy doing it, because I feel like I’m a fraud when I push my opinions onto other people. Like who the hell am I to tell people what they can and cannot do?! We have no right to do that to anyone!! We were born as free individuals! That freedom is there the rest of our lives. I, for one, will not take that freedom away from anyone.
Anyway in terms of preaching to people about their diets… hey, if they want to eat healthy, they’ll seek out info on their own! They don’t need me to get a degree in nutrition and then shove it in their faces!
I just want to talk about my joy for something that works for me, and if it inspires, then cool, if it doesn’t awaken interest, also cool!

So I love juicing because I’m so freaking happy whenever I do it. It creates life in my cells, they just come alive! My digestive system speeds up, the waste leaves my body quickly, and I feel energized.
Energizer Bunn
Yes that’s how I feel.

I also want to say what I noticed is that when I buy fresh juice from elsewhere, it isn’t the same. Not because their ingredients are better or worse. It’s because the act of laboring for my own food is half of what makes it so satisfying. When I just pick up some juice so conveniently, without having to clean up or wash anything, it just confuses my body. It feels too easy. So then I junk eat later, repeatedly. I’m not sure the reason behind the junk eating, but it’s just something that I’ve noticed I do.
So make your own! Juicers last forever, some have lifetime warranties, and they can give you a transformation in your life. See, I think a transformation is priceless! Look them up on Amazon if you’re interested. There’s a lot out there.
Anyway, this girl’s page has some good stuff

I love you all!
Thank you for your support like seriously. We all could use with some nice support! And compliments! It’s only a natural need 🙂

Cw: 123-127 lolol
GW1: 120
GW2: 116 <—used to be my set weight, so it probably still is
GW3: 112