Eating with Ana Companions

So I’m at dinner with my family for my Moms bday, and my mom’s friend is so obvi Ana. It makes me not want to eat. But I ate anyway. But she’s rlly tiny and talks about rlly shallow stuff and seems disconnected from reality. All she did was take one chip from the bowl, places it on her napkin, pressed her hand on it to break it into pieces, and then doused it with salt. Throughout the night she ate the pieces of that one chip. And that’s all!
I guess I feel on edge when I’m at a meal around Ana people. Because they often talk a lot or ask me a milli questions about my food. Like dude stop
Haha but I still admire the Ana life. I just wished it appeared more normal.

xo
AB

Not Bad, Not Bad At All!

jokes

So the scale at the gym today is broken, and has been in fact for the past 2 years ever since they decided the only working scale should be in the personal training section.
Where a trainer weighs you. HAH!
I think a trainer may have weighed me a while back when they first offered me complimentary gym training and I was sooo ashamed! Cause he was like a 24 year old guy and I was 18, and yea, weight is something I ALWAYS try to hide from guys. Wow flashback.
Anyway, so the scale today balanced between 123-127. At 128 it got too heavy, and 122 I think was too light? So I guess it’s a sign from the universe that the specific number doesn’t matter? Idk, I mean I ate sooo much yesterday that I honestly was glad the scale didn’t work haha

So today I vowed to just eat fruit, veggies, and fresh juice that I made. So I bought some kale and came home and juiced :

  • 1 head kale
  • 1 head romaine lettuce
  • 1/2 head celery
  • 6 carrots
  • 1 turmeric root
  • 1 sprig mint
  • 2″ of ginger

Yea I just juice whatever I find. And the kale turns into this dark green juice it looks like an evergreen forest! So beautiful!
Kale Juice
Yes, that’s the color!

Anyway, so literally no one in my life is into juicing. And you know what, it’s okay! Like I actually have no interest in pursuing a major in nutrition. Despite the fact that healthy eating is the core of my happiness. And people have suggested to me that I study holistic nutrition.
You know why I’m not interested? Well I think when people tell others what to do, it’s because they are not satisfied with themselves. I’ll say it again.
When we tell others what to do, it’s because we are not satisfied with that thing in ourselves. If we preach to others to eat right, it’s because we don’t feel stable or certain in our own eating habits.
If we preach to others about HOW TO GET A MAAAAN, well it’s because we’re not certain in our own abilities to get a man.
Right?
We like to project ourselves onto other people. Well actually, that’s all that we do. Project project project. You have an issue with someone? Before telling them why you’re mad, stop and think about what’s wrong in yourself. Seriously.
So I still find myself preaching every now and again, and when I pause to realize what I’m doing, it doesn’t feel right to me…. you know? It doesn’t sit right, I feel uneasy doing it, because I feel like I’m a fraud when I push my opinions onto other people. Like who the hell am I to tell people what they can and cannot do?! We have no right to do that to anyone!! We were born as free individuals! That freedom is there the rest of our lives. I, for one, will not take that freedom away from anyone.
Anyway in terms of preaching to people about their diets… hey, if they want to eat healthy, they’ll seek out info on their own! They don’t need me to get a degree in nutrition and then shove it in their faces!
I just want to talk about my joy for something that works for me, and if it inspires, then cool, if it doesn’t awaken interest, also cool!

So I love juicing because I’m so freaking happy whenever I do it. It creates life in my cells, they just come alive! My digestive system speeds up, the waste leaves my body quickly, and I feel energized.
Energizer Bunn
Yes that’s how I feel.

I also want to say what I noticed is that when I buy fresh juice from elsewhere, it isn’t the same. Not because their ingredients are better or worse. It’s because the act of laboring for my own food is half of what makes it so satisfying. When I just pick up some juice so conveniently, without having to clean up or wash anything, it just confuses my body. It feels too easy. So then I junk eat later, repeatedly. I’m not sure the reason behind the junk eating, but it’s just something that I’ve noticed I do.
So make your own! Juicers last forever, some have lifetime warranties, and they can give you a transformation in your life. See, I think a transformation is priceless! Look them up on Amazon if you’re interested. There’s a lot out there.
Anyway, this girl’s page has some good stuff

I love you all!
Thank you for your support like seriously. We all could use with some nice support! And compliments! It’s only a natural need 🙂

Cw: 123-127 lolol
GW1: 120
GW2: 116 <—used to be my set weight, so it probably still is
GW3: 112

Fatty Out of Control – Make Way!

Okay whyyy have i been eating everything sight today?!
I often do this when there’s a social outing coming up that I have anxiety towards. I have anxiety towards many social events tbh, but esp. ones where I know I’ll have to show my body.
On Sat is a pool party for my mom’s bday and Sunday is another girls bday party, and we’re going to a nudist beach. Like all of these possibilities for them to see the thunder thighs just panics me, and so then I eat. But its all a subconscious thing. Like I have to think about it, mid-face stuffing, why it is that I’m eating so much, and then I realized its probably the anxiety over the upcoming possibility of showing my body.
This is an issue where I predict the future, accept my prediction as a fact, and allow that to affect my present happiness. I don’t actually know what will happen at the beach. I don’t know if I’ll end up taking off any clothes, I don’t know that I’ll be perceived as fat or as skinny. I don’t know that my body will even be looked at! But its sooo ingrained in my head that my thighs is all my friends will look at…

image

Eeeek that’s my fear. And then they’ll whisper to each other omg shes gained weight! Shes not like us.

I have that body type where I only gain weight in my thighs. I’m tired of trying to hide them, but its also become a habit to try and hide the legs. So I habitually avoid three fourths of my clothing. I haven’t even imagined myself wearing the skinny size 2 pants. Maybe I can imagine it though. Hmm one minute.
Okay how about my red pants that I’ve worn maybe two times in total.

image

Yea that’s pretty thin. I could do it if I just juiced and ate fruit and cooked vegetables only. No cereal and cheeses and nuts and yogurt.
Hmmm.
So yesterday I was 124 and today I’m just a cow so I don’t knowww
Gaaaaah
CW:125?
GW1:120
GW2: 116

See some days I’m a life coach and other days I’m like FML SOMEBODY HELP MEEE
Post your CW and GW and your opinions pleeeaasseee!
I want support, can I have it?!

xo
AB

It’s Great to Be Alive!

Today Is Great!

Nekter Juice
Hey skinny and beautiful girls!

So I had some green juice that I had made from 2 days ago again this morning!! Juice is something to have in the mornings and if you want it again, then as a snack in the afternoon, but all done before 4 pm. I just have it in the morning bec it stirs up so much activity in my body that I usually get bloated if I have it randomly mixed in with other food groups. The digestive enzymes just clash with each other and create gas in the stomach. And then I feel fat!
So anyway, I feel great today!! Like what’s so cool about juicing is that I don’t crave sugar. I’ll eat it occassionally but I don’t feel the need to binge, because deep down, my nutrient need is getting met from that juice I think. Also, I feel like the natural hunger hormones of leptin and ghrelin get naturally regulated by the juice. Because I never feel hungry anymore when I juice! I think it’s gently telling my body to not eat so that it can return back to it’s normal set weight of what it wants to be at. Before with all this dieting shit, I was like fighting my body. I was

HUNGRY

and wanted

SUGAR

and now I’m rarely hungry. If I do crave sugar, I know that’s because my body feel like it desperately needs food, so it thinks of the fattiest thing it can find, because that’s the quickest way for it to get the calories that it needs. So since I am aware of that, I’ll often have a bowl of oatmeal
(3/4 cup-1 cup oatmeal with water and heated in the microwave for a minute) with a banana sliced up on top, and that cures the craving for sugar. Almost immediately!

Oatmeal

We’ll see how things keep going! I’m honestly just waiting for something negative to happen because I can hardly believe that things are going so well! It’s like, is this to good to be true? Am I REALLY this happy all day long and eating healthy and never wanting junk, and do I REALLY have soooo much energy?! Especially since I have no job, I normally would be depressed as shit and feel like I have no self worth. Like my job defined me?! It used to be being in school that I also claimed would define my happiness. It’s all in my mind and the way I perceive things though, and it’s also in the way that I eat! THOSE are what determine my happiness. In other words, what I’m learning is, the only thing that really determines my happiness is…
me!!

Also, eating so naturally has awakened my spirituality even more so than ever. It’s like my body is aligning properly at last. When I “interpretive dance” as my bf used to call it, well the moves just flow through me, like I am unblocking something in myself so that a deeper source of creativity is connecting and flowing through me.
It’s amazing and so beautiful!

Dance

I love you all!!

xo
AB

Chocolate Chips and Cookies

Wow i am STILL having the problem of feeling the need to finish food items in the house. Because if I don’t, then no one will. (That’s my belief) And it will sit there for ever and get spoiled, or ignored, and what a waste of food!
>>Like who cares, right? Let the food sit there. If it gets spoiled, then it gets spoiled.
>But then I have to buy new food with my own money!
>>Well you’d have to buy new food eventually anyway…
Bickering voices in my head.
The biggest thing is when I make cookies. I always eat them all. Like way too many in one sitting/in one day. I never feel good about it. Sometimes I don’t feel depressed by it, I just feel full. So then the next time I want to bake, I tell myself, oh yea well it doesn’t always depress me, so I can make them again!

food
No. Seriously no one in my house likes food, so I could start making stuff only that I think they would want. If they don’t like food, then why would I make anything?

ALSO whenever my friends plan a hang out with me, I overthink it, worried that they’ll see my fat body in comparison to their tiny thin bodies, and so as a response, I overeat even more to numb my fears. So I pretty much make that fear a reality. Sounds like if I dissolve the fear, then I won’t make something so unwanted into a reality.
Okay let me talk myself through it:
I acknowledge that I feel fat in front of my friends. That’s okay. I am fatter than they are. That’s okay. I accept that. Now I’d like to transform this energy into useful energy. I’d like to be thin as well. Its okay if I am fat but it’s okay if I am skinny also. It’s okay. It is all okay.

Hmm I think i actually feel better now. At least that helps the mental health, if nothing else!

xo
AB

P.S. Thinspo for the post
thin

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
heavy
Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
love self

But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

pretty

All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
avril

Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
girlsss
And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB

Hair Falling Out?! Here’s my Cure :)

Hair

Hey y’all so I’ve had this issue where my hair falls out and it’s been doing this for like 4 years… I always eat super healthy but I’m vegetarian so apparently don’t get the protein needed to make Keratin, which is 90% of what our hair is made up of I guess. My hair dresser has been getting on my case and had me sign up for hair skin and nail vitamins from ItWorks!, this website that has diet vitamins and shit.

So it hasn’t made a difference so far and it’s been a month… so I took matters into my own hands and looked up how to naturally build up Keratin. Because as I’ve often heard, the vitamin business is the biggest scam. Our bodies can’t really absorb what’s in pill form so well. So I found that the combo of Vitamin C and protein eaten together is what will both put keratin in your body, and break it down for your body to use. Apparently broccoli, kale, and brussel sprouts have a lot of Vitamin C, as well as soymilk. As for protein, I hard boil eggs, but dairy products like yogurt and cottage cheese also work well.

Broccoli
So today for dinner I steamed 2 heads of broccoli, put lemon on it, and hard boiled 3 eggs. OMGGG THE BROCCOLI TASTES AMAZING. I couldn’t get enough!! I just realized that although I considered myself organic and healthy and shit, it’s super easy to forget to eat vegetables aside from the lettuce in salad. I guess my body really was craving that broccoli. Imma have to buy more tomorrow…

Apparently one full head of broccoli = 98 cals, but I threw away the stalk, which makes up almost half the calories. Both the stalk and the florets are equally nutritious I guess.

So fairly low cal and it’s filled with vitamins which is important because I don’t want to have sallow skin or go bald just bec I’m losing weight!

And for a nice laugh for you all, if anyone has seen White Chicks, this scene is hilarious but also reminds me of Ana, and in the end of the day, I actually hope I don’t see myself so falsely as she does!

xo AB

Being Easy on Myself & Triggers?

Note of Thanks

So first I want to say how much i appreciate you girls, and the wonderful support network you give!! I seriously love this community, it makes me feel super a part of something and not alone! My friends simply would NOT understand my food situations, but you girls do!

Is There Such Thing as a Trigger?

So after the group BBQ which surprisingly I got away with eating not much… I decided to go to the gym for a quick swim before coming home. It was actually suuuper refreshing I only swam like 5-10 laps (i count a lap as there and back), and showered there. Then I came home and saw pizza that my Dad had left out for whoever wanted it – and I decided to eat more. *sigh*  However, it felt like I was very much aware of what I was doing. Like I didn’t feel out of control, it was just like oh hey there’s pizza here, I’ll have a slice. Or two. And eat it slowly. And then some ice cream sundae after. And then Cinnamon Life cereal with some melted chocolate on it. haha oh noooo, reading this, maybe I am creating an illusion in my head that I was in control! Okay I said I would be honest so now I’m being honest! Wow this is really hard for me to just admit it all.
swim
So yea like in retrospect not the healthiest to eat it all, but I’m trying to not freak out on myself. Because from prior experience, if I freaked out that I ate all that, then I would immediately hate myself and feel suicidal. So at least today I’m not suicidal lolz. Not happy with the food I ate but also I thiiink I will be okay, ESPECIALLY because of the wonderful support network you guys give me!!

The whole trigger thing is interesting though. Many say oh shiiiit I started eating and now I simply cannot stop! But we can all stop. Proof: if you can’t stop, then you’d be on a straight eating binge for years, no sleep, no breaks…. So eventually we always stop! For me, I think eating at the BBQ lowered the barrier between me and food, so it made it easier for me to begin eating more. But it was not out of my control! So I didn’t even finish the Chex with chocolate because I was okay with the eating, and not hating myself for it. Being OKAY with it made it super easy to stop part way through.

thumbs up

I think what also helped me stop is that i ate slowly and just checked in with myself like okay this is what I’m doing right now, be aware that I am eating all this junk and be aware of WHY I am eating it. Sooooo I try not to feel that there are any “triggers” because that’s like saying that everything is out of your control, and ANY and EVERYthing can cause you to relapse!  Eating disorders aside, all disorders have common themes in them. Skin picking, alcoholism, drug use, etc… all have “triggers”.  I personally don’t want to spend my life dancing around a mine field of triggers, with fear that I’ll accidentally step on one and then internally blow up! Like that’s no way to live, living in fear?!

I’ve read that the opposite of fear is love. So if we’re not doing something out of love, then we’re doing it out of fear. Well yea, I’m trying not to live in fear.

Easier said than done y’all. ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK AT THAT SCALE OMG FEAR FEAR FEAR. NO LOVE THERE!

What are your thoughts cuties?! I’m just a preacher with not much experience, I bet you all know far more about this than I do! Write your CW & GW also if u have one 🙂

CW: 127.6

GW1: 115

GW2: 110

xo AB