Self Expression and Binge

Check In!

Hey girlsss so a lot has gone on, mostly good things!
I’ve been really interested in open relationships lately, and I’ve been hanging out with guys who have girlfriends, not sexually, but just to talk to them about deep things. Like why they do what they do. How they see the world, and encouraging them as well as challenging how they see it.
Both guys thanked me after our conversation, one by saying how he really loves that he can be authentic with me, because no one else lets him be. And the other said he really has been craving deep conversation, and this is the first he’s had in a while, and thank you for that.

What I realized about romantic relationships… they’re not all the same intensity! When I was with my boyfriend, he was my everything and we developed a very deep relationship. After a while it fizzled, and all we had was our memory of the depth we had gone to, but depth which we no longer continuously created. But a lot of guys I meet however, say they love their girlfriends, but keep seeking out connection outside the relationship. Which to me, is not bad, but just shows that 1 person is not enough for them. Or maybe they are with this girlfriend because they’d rather be with someone than be alone, but because they’re in it out of easiness, they don’t have an interest in improving and strengthening the relationship.
And actually, maybe one person is not enough to anyone. Who knows.
So here’s my theory and explanation for everything in our world:

I think it is our natural human nature to constantly have love flowing through us and from us, to everyone else.

And in our society, we shut down this hugely infinte source of love within us and instead, only allow our love to be expressed to one sig other, and a limited expression of love to our friends and family is acceptable too. Right? So I am challenging that. I want to be fully self-expressed, and I want everyone else to be also. Because self-expression is joy and love and light, and amazing to be around. It’s life.

So I want to be around open relationships because I feel it is spiritual, and it is the beginning of an understanding of the depths of our love.

Up until 2 months ago, I did nott like the concept of boyfriends hanging out w other girls or being “shady”, but now, I’m like LET THE GUYS DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. Let people do what they are doing. No judgement. Love them as they are being. We are all just trying to find our way!
I’m going to compare us humans to candles.. Sometimes I see people trapping themselves into these monogamous relationships but they’re not getting their needs met, and instead of taking responsibility for getting their needs met, they allow themselves to suffer in monogamy. I see their joy and spark for life (flame) get smaller and smaller as they don’t allow themselves freedom. Just like a candle slowly burns out when it doesn’t get oxygen…. we humans need oxygen, freedom, to live!

Food

And now the more interesting part to many maybe. My eating habits,
Been struggling w binge eating but afraid to admit it to people. In the Landmark forum that I’m in, which is a self-help/transformation program, we have team members that we must stay in contact with and we all talk to each other about our “breakdowns”, so that together, we can help each other have “breakthroughs”. the philosophy is we must have a breakdown to have a breakthrough. A breakdown is when we’re trying to work on something in our life and we fail. Like trying to lose weight, or trying to stop binge eating. A breakthrough is a transformation in our way of being. We perceive the world differently after a breakthrough.
So they said in order to get past our breakdown, we first need to identify red flags for when we are having a breakdown. For me, it’s when I start to crave sugar or food in general, then I know I am starting to turn to food to deal with something. So I need to look right then at my life and see hmm, what just happened? And then I’ll see something that triggers my desire to eat to deal wth it. So for me, it was the fact that I have a potential interview, and I worry that I have to look skinny, so I worry about how I’ll hide my fat legs.
Then, we need to drop our old way of dealing with the problem, and we need to create the possibility of a new way of being.
So for me, I binge eat at night, which I guess is a time when I must face or look at my issues. The issues of the day can be put off by keeping busy, until night time when i cannot escape. I create the possibility for being a courageous and powerful human being, and that’s how I am for everyone.
Okay there we go. Hmmm, that might work actually…
I already ate a lot tonight though gaaah been staying at the same weight for so long!
CWl 127
GW1:121
GW2:118
GW3: 115
GW4: 110

i love you all!!

models

beauty

xo
AB

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3Somes!

First Time

So Sunday night was my first lesbian experience! I went out with my bi friend and her girlfriend (who is 11 years older than us and literally is a hotter version of Alex Voss from Orange is the New Black) and we went to the gay bars and in the back of my mind, I was down for a threesome. Seeing as I’ve never had a 3some, ever, it certainly wasn’t old hat. But i think our natural sexuality is understood deep within us, and it’s in every one of us, and is revealed when we set aside fear and judgement. So since I was raised by a Mom who LOVES sex and is bi, I have no sex shame. I mean, i do have sex shame from society, but like I don’t feel guilty when I’m wild and sexually exploratory, because I don’t feel I’m breaking any rules. Like, I know in the back of my head that my parents would be okay with it. And that’s what helps to set me free!

girls kissing

So yea I went down on both of them just to see what it was like, and they both came like super fast haha
They were like amazed that I was so good and I was also amazed that I was so effective. Like I just kept asking wait are you for real? You actually like got off? I think I understand it because with my boyfriend (who I am no longer with, he passed away a little over a year ago) he would explore my body and then tell me what he figured out. Like how he figured out what parts of me turned me on when he touched them or licked them, like nibbling on my ear, or touching.sucking my nipples, etc. He was so advanced in every which way: mentally, socially, sexually… he was just a divine being. He figured things out quickly, like he came into the knowing much quicker than most others. I feel blessed to have been with him.
But the way that he went down on ME, and how he informed me of how my body worked… well I used that knowledge with these girls.
It was kind of funny because my bi friend has been my friend since mid high school, so we’ve been friends like 7ish years, and now I’ve made her cum hahahaha like what on earth. But when my mind starts to drift to that place of like judgement, I bring it back to the experience and the feeling. And forget what society would say or judge. Judgments don’t serve anyone. They cram people down.
I don’t care what a normal “friendship” is supposed to be. I’m not gonna google it either. It’s all opinion, based upon fear. I want to express love however I feel like!
This friend I don’t have sexual attraction to, she’s just fun and sweet and non judgmental. And so it was a learning experience for me more than anything, and for her also. Her gf got off to me just giving her a lap dance too haha, so then I had to teach my friend how to best give her gf a lap dance. I felt so powerful for a moment like wow I really am GOOD at sexuality! And I think we all are, if we feel safe in doing it.

Oh so her gf is just lesbian, not bi,, and she has sex like a guy! Like literally bangs herself against you, even though she has no dick. I was kind of laughing like what, how does this work for you! My mind wandered to the possiblity that she ought to have been born as a guy, like perhaps there was a mess up or something. Because her body is JUST like that of a lean built guy also. And she is suuuper horny and gets off very quickly, and also very messy and just asks her gf to organize everything for her, but in a sweet way, like she seems very much lost without my friend. It was all very endearing. Like I felt like she was a guy. It didn’t feel weird to see two nude girls in bed. It was all very natural.
3some
Apparently the movie Spring Breakers has a 3some with Ashley Benson (good for her!) here’s a pic from it

Anyway, yea, so the next day I asked her if we should tell our friend group. She said she’s not gonna like seek out to tell them, but if they ask, then she’ll tell them. And she asked if that was okay.
I told her at first that I wasn’t sure that I wanted them to know everything. But she helped me to realize that our friends will love us for who we are and accept us for who we are, and if they don’t, then they’ll leave, and that is perfectly okay. Because I’m being AUTHENTIC.
This whole time, I’ve been creating this image for my friends, and allowing them to love that IMAGE of me, instead of all of me. But it’s not real love or friendship if I don’t expose all of me to them. I mean, it probably won’t affect my friendship with them at all, from their perspective they’ll still see me the same, but from MY perspective, I’ll feel better, like I’ll know that I’m being authentic and honest with everyone about who I am, and I’ll know for sure that they love all of me. Not a false projected image of me.


xo
AB

OK biggest secret in my life

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I have been best friends with this girl for 10 years now, we’re both 23, and she gives me so much unconditional love all the time. The only person outside of my family who consistently does. Its like she is a sister from a past life. Or maybe a lover. We’re just on the same wavelength all the time. In terms of the words we say, and the struggles we feel we have, and the forward growth and self improvement that we create in our lives. I also give her unconditional love and encourage her sexuality and self expression and freedom, because I feel people are drawn to her free spirit like a light beacon, and our impulsiveness and wildness is something to nurture and let shine.

My secret is: I feel like I love her like actually all-encompassing love, and i want to do more with her than just hug. I want to try making out  (longer than our occasional drunk makeouts that quickly end in us laughing) and  I want to hook up like sleep together. Side note: ive never been w a girl – the most I’ve done is make out with girls. Which ive done quite a few times actually.

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She has a boyfriend of 2 yearsish and they r very much in love w each other. They live together, and have for about a year now and both r incredibly loyal people. Which means they’ll never leave, even if the relationship turns unhealthy.  But it is quite healthy. Just saying this to say that I support their relationship and do not seek to compete w her boyfriend or have them break up. He’s a nice guy too.

What’s crazy is that I never had these feelings until this year. Or never acknowledged that I had them.

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Okay wow I ought to give that to her haha

But aaah this is like something I have not written down before, so im looking around cautiously as i write this haha. I’m normally transparent and tell my friends everything, so this is new for me to keep a secret. And its a big one. Well actually, that’s a story I made up. Its not necessarily a big secret. I could just tell her. But I haven’t yet, and I am freaking ashamed of these feelings.
In fact, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of them, thinking things like
“Oh, I only have these feelings because I don’t have any guys in my life and don’t let any new guys into my heart, so she’s the only one who I’ve let in into my life … So naturally I may create feelings for her”. Or “I just want to try being bi, because i want to push my comfort zone and dissolve the boundaries i once created for my relationships – so I’m just creating a feeling that isn’t really there”.

But I’m thinking, why ignore the feeling? Why run from it? Why explain it? (We LOVE to analyze and understand “why” don’t we?) And also… why keepy feelings a secret? I feel like the longer something remains a secret, the more power I unintentionally give it, like i had been thinking it has some sort of destructive explosive power if I shared it with someone. It doesn’t have to be true though.
When I say the secret to the person, it takes all the power out of it. Knocks the wind out of its sails. Its called being authentic. But the thing is, do i want to change our relationship from a close friendship to something with more affection and more expressed love?
I mean yea i do want that! Right now it feels too safe. And there’s a possibility she may want to explore too. And if she doesn’t? Then I can say oh well, I was just being honest and true to myself!

Help. Seriously. I’m so glad this blog is here.

xo
AB

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
heavy
Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
love self

But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

pretty

All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
avril

Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
girlsss
And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB