Crumble cake

I love that shit lately. Crumble top coffee cake.
But hey I’m depressed. I’ve been eating ferociously today and yesterday, in anticipation of upcoming social events. Both of which I ended up bailing on bec I felt too fat to go. Like I just shot myself in the foot: I knew I had two social things to go to, so I stressed that they’d see fat me and fat thunder thighs, so I kept eating more and more food (any food I could get my hands on, but also sugar stuff like choc chip muffins) and I didn’t work out yesterday or today… And just kept eating. And then I decided no way did I want to go out to the first one bec the guys would see my fat ass legs. And then the next morning I didn’t want to go to yoga before the girl is suuuper skinny and she would notice my fat assness. Fucking a.

image

Yep those r the whale thighs. I store my fat in my thighs only and a little in my butt but I generally try to work that out, so it goes away pretty quick.

So I never stick to any diets, because I immediately think starving my body is unhealthy. And I think that binge eating IS healthy bec its all whole food, like Greek yogurt, apples, walnuts, cereal… Stuff that provides whole nutrients for my body. Its true, that’s what I’ve been believing. That its OK to binge eat, although I feel fat and my stomach protrudes out soo far after eating.
What do I do?

I thought of liquid only diet but my brother would notice. He always calls me out on talking unhealthily. The truth is I feel depressed bec I feel alone. I am not getting enough love in my life. So I eat. But anyway, I guess I can stop caring what ppl think and tell them hey I love you but I’m gonna do what I want and u do what u want, and don’t tell me what to do.

image

Lolol

Sigh. I need serious help on having a consistent routine where I eat very little.

xo
AB

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Sexual Awakening

Latest Adventures

Hiiii cuties
So a lot of sexual awakening has been happening in me the past 2 weeks, because I’ve been allowing it finally! Two weeks ago I had a 3some with my good friend and her new girlfriend, and this weekend I went to a gay bar and then 2 strip clubs w my mom and her friend and my friend, and then spontaneously joined a bachelor party that we met at the first strip club, hopped on their party van and went back with them to their beach mansion where we all hung out and talked and took Molly, and just stayed up all night talking and laughing. It was so fun!!
So being at the strip clubs made me realllyyy want to dance, because I feel so empowered when I dance, like give lap dances or just dance sexually. So I gave my friend a lap dance at the first one and then got a stern reprimand from the bouncer, and at the second one gave this hot guy from the bachelor party a lap dance and also got a talking to from a black bouncer haha
But anyway, try doing everything in a more sexual way! I read from this spiritual book that was channeled, that higher conscious beings integrate sexuality into all that they do, because sexuality is the core of our power. So I’ve been slowly doing everything more sexually: the way I walk, the way I smoke hookah, the way I eat Jello shots… Just doing it all very seductively, when I feel so inclined, and it feel so EFFING EMPOWERING like when guys and girls stare at me longingly, and then look away so I don’t catch them haha

And in terms of seeing other people be sexual… I love that! I still remember one girl in highschool was really pretty and thin, and she got up to walk to the front of the class to pick up her graded test, and I really wanted her to walk with her head up, with confidence, because it would go well with her beautiful body. And then she walked with her head down and sort of rushed up and back, and I could feel her discomfort. And it made me sad/frustrated, like dammit, I really wanted you to walk with confidence. Just because I love to look at it!
Walk

The way the models walk, with their arms up in the air… well that’s how I like to dance. Just feel the freedom and energy flowing through me. And for some reason it really draws people to me to watch like WOW. I think they’re not even sure what they love about it, but I’ve been theorizing that it’s my freedom that they’re drawn to.
models

Possibly Wild Job

And now what I’d like to say is that I realize I want a job where I’m dancing. A go-go dancer or a stripper job. Like I love being watched, but I’m also okay dancing with no one in the room, just because I love that I’m expressing myself through dance. The energy flows through me and it’s often a spiritual experience.

I went to a polyamory workshop with my mom last night, and talked to a guy there who had also gone to the Landmark Forum with me, and I asked him how hes changed since going to it. Hes buff and sort of short and has square glasses and has that look about him like one of those ppl who works at Apple. So he said he always had this idea that he needed to design Apps for Apple and stuff, but he always would put off applying and pursuing. He then realized its because it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he was trying to do those jobs because that’s what he thought his friends and family wanted him to do. So he completely went a diff way and started a nutrition business of sorts.
So I told him about stripping/go-go dancing, and he told me that he saw that the common theme for me was that I liked to dance, so what did I want to create for myself in my life where I could use dance? Because I could be a stripper if I wanted, he said, just try it out, but I could also create my own job/experience. Like I don’t have to fit into one of the roles that my surroundings already have a place for. Strippers and go-go dancers already have a place held open for them in society. These jobs were created by someone at one point, to fulfill a need/desire.
Well then, why not create my own – something new – based upon what I want, and how I feel?! CREATE MY OWN?! I love it!! I feel overwhelmed a bit at the prospect of creating a new website or a new job outlet where I’d use my dancing in a new way, that hasn’t been done before. But why not get paid for that? Because honestly, people do love watching me do it, and honestly, I do love doing it. So it’s a win-win right?
So after the poly workshop, I told my mom last night that I wanted to be a stripper and I was laughing and so she was laughing too and then getting serious, then laughing again, bec she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. But then she was cool with it (as I knew she would be, bec she’s one of the most sexual ppl I know) and then said that she wants to be one too so we’ll have to strip at different clubs haha
My mom makes a good income, is middle class and works as a consultant, and has an awesome boss and a lot of freedom in her job and so her boss is very aware of her sexuality and stuff, but he’s cool with it haha

So i think she wouldn’t really pursue it, because she’s not as passionate about dance as I am. She expresses her sexuality through actual sex. Probably explains why she has sex with sooo many men.
Anyway, yep, that’s where my mind has been lately!

Oh and with the food thing, I’ve been eating more on and off, and it is more out of of boredom now than because of stress or anxiety. So I think that’s a good change although honestly I question a lot, do I REALLY want to be thin? Bec if I did, wouldn’t I be eating less? One possibility: it’s easy for me to be skinny, its harder for me to gain weight, so I’m trying to challenge myself by gaining. How do I switch that mindset? It’s harder for me to work out a lot I guess. Like that is a challenge. Not the being skinny part, but the working out part.
Perhaps my goal can be that, and not the body part.

Love you all!
Let me know what you think of all this 🙂


xo
AB

Not Bad, Not Bad At All!

jokes

So the scale at the gym today is broken, and has been in fact for the past 2 years ever since they decided the only working scale should be in the personal training section.
Where a trainer weighs you. HAH!
I think a trainer may have weighed me a while back when they first offered me complimentary gym training and I was sooo ashamed! Cause he was like a 24 year old guy and I was 18, and yea, weight is something I ALWAYS try to hide from guys. Wow flashback.
Anyway, so the scale today balanced between 123-127. At 128 it got too heavy, and 122 I think was too light? So I guess it’s a sign from the universe that the specific number doesn’t matter? Idk, I mean I ate sooo much yesterday that I honestly was glad the scale didn’t work haha

So today I vowed to just eat fruit, veggies, and fresh juice that I made. So I bought some kale and came home and juiced :

  • 1 head kale
  • 1 head romaine lettuce
  • 1/2 head celery
  • 6 carrots
  • 1 turmeric root
  • 1 sprig mint
  • 2″ of ginger

Yea I just juice whatever I find. And the kale turns into this dark green juice it looks like an evergreen forest! So beautiful!
Kale Juice
Yes, that’s the color!

Anyway, so literally no one in my life is into juicing. And you know what, it’s okay! Like I actually have no interest in pursuing a major in nutrition. Despite the fact that healthy eating is the core of my happiness. And people have suggested to me that I study holistic nutrition.
You know why I’m not interested? Well I think when people tell others what to do, it’s because they are not satisfied with themselves. I’ll say it again.
When we tell others what to do, it’s because we are not satisfied with that thing in ourselves. If we preach to others to eat right, it’s because we don’t feel stable or certain in our own eating habits.
If we preach to others about HOW TO GET A MAAAAN, well it’s because we’re not certain in our own abilities to get a man.
Right?
We like to project ourselves onto other people. Well actually, that’s all that we do. Project project project. You have an issue with someone? Before telling them why you’re mad, stop and think about what’s wrong in yourself. Seriously.
So I still find myself preaching every now and again, and when I pause to realize what I’m doing, it doesn’t feel right to me…. you know? It doesn’t sit right, I feel uneasy doing it, because I feel like I’m a fraud when I push my opinions onto other people. Like who the hell am I to tell people what they can and cannot do?! We have no right to do that to anyone!! We were born as free individuals! That freedom is there the rest of our lives. I, for one, will not take that freedom away from anyone.
Anyway in terms of preaching to people about their diets… hey, if they want to eat healthy, they’ll seek out info on their own! They don’t need me to get a degree in nutrition and then shove it in their faces!
I just want to talk about my joy for something that works for me, and if it inspires, then cool, if it doesn’t awaken interest, also cool!

So I love juicing because I’m so freaking happy whenever I do it. It creates life in my cells, they just come alive! My digestive system speeds up, the waste leaves my body quickly, and I feel energized.
Energizer Bunn
Yes that’s how I feel.

I also want to say what I noticed is that when I buy fresh juice from elsewhere, it isn’t the same. Not because their ingredients are better or worse. It’s because the act of laboring for my own food is half of what makes it so satisfying. When I just pick up some juice so conveniently, without having to clean up or wash anything, it just confuses my body. It feels too easy. So then I junk eat later, repeatedly. I’m not sure the reason behind the junk eating, but it’s just something that I’ve noticed I do.
So make your own! Juicers last forever, some have lifetime warranties, and they can give you a transformation in your life. See, I think a transformation is priceless! Look them up on Amazon if you’re interested. There’s a lot out there.
Anyway, this girl’s page has some good stuff

I love you all!
Thank you for your support like seriously. We all could use with some nice support! And compliments! It’s only a natural need 🙂

Cw: 123-127 lolol
GW1: 120
GW2: 116 <—used to be my set weight, so it probably still is
GW3: 112

Fatty Out of Control – Make Way!

Okay whyyy have i been eating everything sight today?!
I often do this when there’s a social outing coming up that I have anxiety towards. I have anxiety towards many social events tbh, but esp. ones where I know I’ll have to show my body.
On Sat is a pool party for my mom’s bday and Sunday is another girls bday party, and we’re going to a nudist beach. Like all of these possibilities for them to see the thunder thighs just panics me, and so then I eat. But its all a subconscious thing. Like I have to think about it, mid-face stuffing, why it is that I’m eating so much, and then I realized its probably the anxiety over the upcoming possibility of showing my body.
This is an issue where I predict the future, accept my prediction as a fact, and allow that to affect my present happiness. I don’t actually know what will happen at the beach. I don’t know if I’ll end up taking off any clothes, I don’t know that I’ll be perceived as fat or as skinny. I don’t know that my body will even be looked at! But its sooo ingrained in my head that my thighs is all my friends will look at…

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Eeeek that’s my fear. And then they’ll whisper to each other omg shes gained weight! Shes not like us.

I have that body type where I only gain weight in my thighs. I’m tired of trying to hide them, but its also become a habit to try and hide the legs. So I habitually avoid three fourths of my clothing. I haven’t even imagined myself wearing the skinny size 2 pants. Maybe I can imagine it though. Hmm one minute.
Okay how about my red pants that I’ve worn maybe two times in total.

image

Yea that’s pretty thin. I could do it if I just juiced and ate fruit and cooked vegetables only. No cereal and cheeses and nuts and yogurt.
Hmmm.
So yesterday I was 124 and today I’m just a cow so I don’t knowww
Gaaaaah
CW:125?
GW1:120
GW2: 116

See some days I’m a life coach and other days I’m like FML SOMEBODY HELP MEEE
Post your CW and GW and your opinions pleeeaasseee!
I want support, can I have it?!

xo
AB

It’s Great to Be Alive!

Today Is Great!

Nekter Juice
Hey skinny and beautiful girls!

So I had some green juice that I had made from 2 days ago again this morning!! Juice is something to have in the mornings and if you want it again, then as a snack in the afternoon, but all done before 4 pm. I just have it in the morning bec it stirs up so much activity in my body that I usually get bloated if I have it randomly mixed in with other food groups. The digestive enzymes just clash with each other and create gas in the stomach. And then I feel fat!
So anyway, I feel great today!! Like what’s so cool about juicing is that I don’t crave sugar. I’ll eat it occassionally but I don’t feel the need to binge, because deep down, my nutrient need is getting met from that juice I think. Also, I feel like the natural hunger hormones of leptin and ghrelin get naturally regulated by the juice. Because I never feel hungry anymore when I juice! I think it’s gently telling my body to not eat so that it can return back to it’s normal set weight of what it wants to be at. Before with all this dieting shit, I was like fighting my body. I was

HUNGRY

and wanted

SUGAR

and now I’m rarely hungry. If I do crave sugar, I know that’s because my body feel like it desperately needs food, so it thinks of the fattiest thing it can find, because that’s the quickest way for it to get the calories that it needs. So since I am aware of that, I’ll often have a bowl of oatmeal
(3/4 cup-1 cup oatmeal with water and heated in the microwave for a minute) with a banana sliced up on top, and that cures the craving for sugar. Almost immediately!

Oatmeal

We’ll see how things keep going! I’m honestly just waiting for something negative to happen because I can hardly believe that things are going so well! It’s like, is this to good to be true? Am I REALLY this happy all day long and eating healthy and never wanting junk, and do I REALLY have soooo much energy?! Especially since I have no job, I normally would be depressed as shit and feel like I have no self worth. Like my job defined me?! It used to be being in school that I also claimed would define my happiness. It’s all in my mind and the way I perceive things though, and it’s also in the way that I eat! THOSE are what determine my happiness. In other words, what I’m learning is, the only thing that really determines my happiness is…
me!!

Also, eating so naturally has awakened my spirituality even more so than ever. It’s like my body is aligning properly at last. When I “interpretive dance” as my bf used to call it, well the moves just flow through me, like I am unblocking something in myself so that a deeper source of creativity is connecting and flowing through me.
It’s amazing and so beautiful!

Dance

I love you all!!

xo
AB

Am I Social Yet?

Waddup y’all sooo it’s been awhile!
With the exception of the depressing weekend where I first binge ate cookies and then spent the next two days sleeping so that I could avoid eating (with the help of some nice sleeping pills), life has otherwise been good! Life is only good when I socialize though. I’ve always walked around with these labels I put on myself as being “socially awkward” or “afraid of people”. (Hey as a child, I truly was afraid of saying hello to my own friends, unless they said it first).
IMG_1980.JPG
Aah yes, a pretty girl so alone and shy

But bec I felt I was antisocial, I often tried to convince myself that I preferred being alone to spending time with people. But when I actuallyyyy consciously observed myself and my moods… I’m always so DAMN happy after I spend time with my friends! Or after I have meaningful talks with strangers. Liiiike can’t ignore the signs, yo. I guess I’m not actually better when alone. I’m better when surrounded by people!

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Anddd with friends, don’t they look so much happier?!

IMG_1982.JPG
Or model friends, as the case may be. Who knew they were bests?

So my mom and I went to a meetup.com bonfire at the beach last night, it was a full moon bonfire, and it was the first time I’ve ever been to a meetup group! So I wanted to instinctively go for the cop-out in my head of: “yea I’m socially awkward, I won’t have fun at this”. I voiced this to my mom. She said, create a possibility for yourself at this meetup. What possibilities would you like to create for yourself here?
Oh my mom is so wise. Anyway, a possibility I could create could have been: I’d like to meet a stranger. Or I’d like to get someone’s number. Or I’d like to have a conversation with someone. But I stated getting afraid and just blocked these all out of my mind. But we kept walking up to the group, and after my mom said a few words to some people next to us, we decided to just stand there In the circle, and soon enough, people came up to us! The conversation was awkward and forced at first, but it was okay because I decided that I would allow the other people to carry the conversation for once. I wasn’t gonna be the damn entertainment of the night, like usual, I was gonna let them entertain me!!

IMG_1975.JPG

I ended up having a convo w a guy I actually thought was cute (until 2 minutes in when he asked me what type of car I have and if I share it with anyone, like maybe my mom for instance?) and we went in the ocean together at 9 at night! While this other random drunken guy in his like 50s held my shirt for me and watched us go in haha he was like just happy in his own drunken world. And the cute guy asked for my number, but i have to say he lost his cuteness because his face actually got scary looking when he smiled, it was like a weird forced smile. and the convo did not flow at all. It was aaaaalll pretty damn forced. Hmm maybe he hadn’t taken a shit in a while so he was like super uptight. Eek haha well there you have it folks!!

The night was a success though because I’ve never been sober and spoken to a new romantic interest. I’m always drunk and at a bar normally! Or drunk at the beach. So that was progress for me!
Oh also forgot to mention this girl randomly points at me and said that I was the smallest so they should pick me. The task was to lift me up and have me sit on someone’s shoulders so that I could tie a lantern to the top of the tent. They needed a light over the food tent and no one was tall enough to reach. So yea this big buff guy like put his head between my legs and lifted me up haha it was the scariest shit of my life like whaaa you’re putting your head in my crotch?! So I was shaking the whole time but it was a lot of teamwork. Oh here’s pics of the incident:

IMG_1978.JPG

IMG_1976.JPG

Yesterday I ate not much. 2 cups Watermelon, 2 apples, 200 cals of cereal and a tall green tea latte with soy milk from Starbucks. Two chips w hummus on them and a slice of someone’s homemade pumpkin bread.
Today I ran a mile on the treadmill at an incline of 4.0, and biked 10 minutes on the stationary bike with a resistance of 8-9 the whole time.
Ate:
1/4 cup of fresh beet juice (25 cals)
about 1 cup of walnuts (650 cals)
About 1/2 cup of raisins (200 cals)
1 apple (80 cals)

And my abs are more pronounced now. Love eating healthy but even more importantly, I love people!! People are what make me feel complete. Not my weight. People.
Although in regards to my weight: I’ll post that tomorrow when I’m back at my dads and have a scale!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! ❤

xo
AB

Sickness as a Result of Starving

Today I was rlly sick, weird bec I’m neverr sick. Like severe migraine and such cramping in my back!
Yesterday I did some squats and things to work out my butt and quads, and these high intensity exercises really cramp up my muscles. Like the muscles roll up really tightly in the hamstrings, so today it was so tightly wound bec I never stretched I think, and it extended up through my back. I was bed ridden literally all day!! I even texted my mom to come and give me a massage, but she said it would take her a few hours and suggested Tylenol in the meantime. So after I popped that, I was feelin good! Btw, I understand why people get addicted to pain killers now! A nice numbing chill feeling.

IMG_1973.JPG

So I realized every time I extreme diet I get sick easily. My friends who forget to eat all the time, well they get sick a lot, and now I just realized perhaps if the body is not getting enough nutrients, then the immune system isn’t strong enough and there just isn’t enough energy to do the normal body processes. Like normally after I work out a lot, I consume bananas (just something that’s always in the house) and the potassium in those prevent muscle cramping. But now since IVe been eating nothing, I think my body’s been nutrient deficient, and therefore I have all these bizarre sicknesses suddenly. Idk if this interest you guys, but I find nutrition somewhat interesting!
Ate today:
1 banana (100)
2 apples (85×2= 170)
3/4 cup oatmeal w/ 1 tbsp brown sugar and 1 tbsp butter (350)
Evening:
Baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies – 6 NOO idea how many cals

IDK who reads these posts and perhaps no one does, but I create the idea in my mind that a lot of people are reading this, so that holds me accountable. I don’t want to look bad in front of a lot of people, and I did promise that I would be honest with what I eat!

Thanks for being here ❤
xo
AB

Damnit

True to my word, I didn’t eat yesterday. Welll until 10 pm when I had a probiotic mini yogurt drink (60 cal) and a nectarine.
So that was good enough.

Today I was doing good, just had coffee with almond milk (30 cals) and some hazelnut creamer, 2 nectarines(60×2=120), 2 carrots(50 cals), and a cup of hot almond milk (40 cals)sweetened w stevia and cinnamon. But then I waited to exercise till the night and when I came back I was just dreaming of cheesy pasta. So I made some. First I had a probiotic drink (60cals) to boost my digestion, and then some cottage cheese (80 cals). So the pasta ended up tasting terribly bec it was just rlly bad quality ingredients. My dad’s gf used to live here so all of the food was hers. She buys like crap processed foods that are an off brand label. TRASH!!! UGGGHHH like I just am not saying she is trash, but I’m so used to having wholesome food, and so my body just really is turned off from all this junk.  Anyway, it just didn’t taste good so I threw it out after a few bites and then made beans with shredded cheese and microwaved, then put some chips and lettuce leaves in it. Nachos with lettuce I guess. It was okay but also made mainly from the crap ingredients she left us.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE OFF OF SUCH CRAP FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS like I would just be so depressed simply bec it tastes so unnatural and dead. Like fruit and vegetables taste alive, and the processed food tastes dead. It looks dead too.But yea, like I really didn’t like the nachos much, they just aren’t fulfilling. I don’t know what is.

So to be honest, I originally had placed a picture of nachos here, but I realized that I absolutely hate when people do that to me! Like I’m innocently scrolling and BAM, there’s some hard core junk food in front of my eyes! Like cookies or some really sugary looking thing, and now I immediately want that food.
See, I care about you guys too much, so I am NOT gonna post some fatty food pic, just to create a craving in u that you didn’t even have before my page!!
So instead:

 

 

thin

I think this starvation thing works sometimes but also doesn’t work sometimes. My body is demanding to be fed so the longer I go without eating, the more higher calorie foods it craves. It’s part of the whole survival mechanism. Like the cavemen. Oh so did you know? I have been reading the Body Book by Cameron Diaz, and I read that we like sweets because way back then, the sweet foods were always the safest ones to eat, like they weren’t poisonous. While the sour and bitter ones, often WERE poisonous. But we also love high calorie foods (All of them, not just sweets) because way back when, when we didn’t know when we’d get our next meal, our body taught us to be drawn to high calorie things so that we could stock up on fat. And then it could be stored in the reserves, like our legs and arms and butts, for later use. Explains a lot, right?
So our environment and surroundings have changed, but our bodies have not. They still crave the same things, as if we lived out in the wild! We might as well go abandon society and go live in the woods y’all. Then at least we’d be back on our body’s natural rhythm and be skinny and lean!

I think instead of “fasting” all day, just to break it at night, I will aim for eating vegetables intermixed with some fruit all day. Maybe half fasting, like still eating very rarely throughout the day, but when I do eat, I’ll have raw foods.
veggies

Vegetables legit do take away my cravings for junk, bec they have the nutrients that my body needs. And since I so rarely eat vegetables, my body is always desiring their vitamins.
And before u tell me to just take a supplement, no, vitamins in a bottle do not work. Well, they hardly work! The body best absorbs things in their natural form, through natural food.

Anyway, not happy with myself, but not allowing myself to get too upset.
How do you guys stay on the diet without breaking it? Do I have to want it more? Maybe I have some fear of success in this…. maybe I need to stop envisioning the future, bec the future is just scaring me? And just think of right now, and how i will not eat right now

My CW: 125
GW1: 120
GW2: 117
GW3: 114
GW4: 110
GW5: 105

K THAT’S A LOT OF GOAL WEIGHTS
Comment your CW GW and height! And your opinions!! I like those a lot 🙂
I love you guys!


xo
AB

Mia Problems

First of all. You’re awesome. And I love you.  I love you because you are a brilliant and wise soul living a human experience. And actually, I love you because love is what I stand for; I am a loving human being, who gives love.

image

Courtney Love in in ’09
Too pale but not too skinny!

So omgomg I ate SO much yesterday/this morning. Pulled an all nighter after doing some college quizzes that were due online by midnight. I noticed when I haven’t looked at proana stuff for a week or two and then go back to it, I overeat a lot. And then diet. So I’m gonna stick to the second part.

Btw 2 months ago I got a FatBurner pill from this website of beauty and health products called “ItWorks!” Www.myitworks.com, and someone I know swears by their products. So if you agree to get one product every month for 3 months, then u can pay for the products at the cheaper price without paying for the membership price.

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Not showing my full face bec I’m being anonymous!

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Has caffeine and green tea extract in it.
So the FatBurner pill I don’t use that often bec it makes me hyper as shit haha but also because from prior experience to products w caffeine, my body builds up a tolerance super fast to where I need it every day just to not get headaches. So I use it every now and again after a meal. But if u guys want to lose weight, I think its effective just because it makes u: not hungry and makes u want to move. I’m not sure if it burns extra carbs just on its own, I sort of figured that was their advertising ploy bec its better to say “you’ll sit around and burn fat” than to say “you’re gonna want to move and run around like a wild maniac and you’ll stop eating, and that’s how you’ll burn the cals”. Bec the second slogan sounds, well, not so relaxing.

So here’s my new fave gum as of this past week:

image

Its like a Spearmint flavor and lasts insanely long (I think)

So I’m trying this new thing where I have “integrity”, some lingo we learned in the Landmark Forum meaning when we say we’ll do something… we do it. I think you’re all quite smart and don’t actually have trouble w vocab words but I guess for me, I never had thought of what exactly that word meant.
So I like having integrity because I feel like I can rely on myself. I feel dependable. I feel responsible for what occurs in my life, and let me tell u, that feeling is awesome, and empowering! I mean we are all responsible for our own lives actually, but I never acted like I fully was responsible.

So this tangent was because I say I am not eating today so now I won’t eat!

I really am thankful to you for reading this and just for being in this community!!

xo
AB

Self Improvement

Hey girls,
So I went to a self improvement workshop last weekend, called Landmark Forum and it changed my life! As short as my life may be thus far haha also I was so focused on loving people that my desire to eat entirely vanished for 5 days!

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A quick thing about it, bec I am so excited by it:
It was $575, which scares away most people my age. Or most people in general. They will say its expensive. Its expensive compared to what? To a plane ticket to new York for a vacation that lasts a few days? To the $400 iPad you bought that is now broken/falling apart? This is self improvement that empowers us and lasts a lifetime 🙂 plus it keeps on giving.  I feel empowered by it, and now I try to empower other people in my life. And they then try to empower their family members. Its nice to spread love, it really is!!

What I learned from this forum is to be authentic (honest) with everyone. Part of being honest is removing the excuses and finding that we really do love everyone, and the moment we tell them we love them and are authentic with them… we are set free.

After the forum, i felt like this bird

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Okay so I haven’t been paying attention to what i eat lately like my desire to connect with people and tell them I love them is so strong, and so much more satisfying than food. So when I eat its generally with people, out of necessity bec its prob been awhile since I last ate, but not bec of my usual desire to stuff my feelings…

However today at work someone left a platter full of soft cookies so I’m eating those rn. Feeling somewhat bad about it. Is literally been months since I’ve eaten a cookie. And they’re not satisfying! Oatmeal and walnuts taste so much better! But you know, I am by myself at work and I have no legit escuse. I ate cookies because I ate cookies. No other reason than that (that’s something we learned in the landmark forum)

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Anyway I actually think I’ve lost some weight although I’ve avoided the scales. Whenever I weigh myself, I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a lot shortly thereafter. Either bec I don’t like my weight, or bec I do like it and so now I have permission to eat. I know I have the power to change that habit, but either way, I’m avoiding it!! Haha isn’t that funny, I eat my feelings, regardless of what the scale actually says
Comment pleeaaasseee!!

xo
AB