Self Expression and Binge

Check In!

Hey girlsss so a lot has gone on, mostly good things!
I’ve been really interested in open relationships lately, and I’ve been hanging out with guys who have girlfriends, not sexually, but just to talk to them about deep things. Like why they do what they do. How they see the world, and encouraging them as well as challenging how they see it.
Both guys thanked me after our conversation, one by saying how he really loves that he can be authentic with me, because no one else lets him be. And the other said he really has been craving deep conversation, and this is the first he’s had in a while, and thank you for that.

What I realized about romantic relationships… they’re not all the same intensity! When I was with my boyfriend, he was my everything and we developed a very deep relationship. After a while it fizzled, and all we had was our memory of the depth we had gone to, but depth which we no longer continuously created. But a lot of guys I meet however, say they love their girlfriends, but keep seeking out connection outside the relationship. Which to me, is not bad, but just shows that 1 person is not enough for them. Or maybe they are with this girlfriend because they’d rather be with someone than be alone, but because they’re in it out of easiness, they don’t have an interest in improving and strengthening the relationship.
And actually, maybe one person is not enough to anyone. Who knows.
So here’s my theory and explanation for everything in our world:

I think it is our natural human nature to constantly have love flowing through us and from us, to everyone else.

And in our society, we shut down this hugely infinte source of love within us and instead, only allow our love to be expressed to one sig other, and a limited expression of love to our friends and family is acceptable too. Right? So I am challenging that. I want to be fully self-expressed, and I want everyone else to be also. Because self-expression is joy and love and light, and amazing to be around. It’s life.

So I want to be around open relationships because I feel it is spiritual, and it is the beginning of an understanding of the depths of our love.

Up until 2 months ago, I did nott like the concept of boyfriends hanging out w other girls or being “shady”, but now, I’m like LET THE GUYS DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. Let people do what they are doing. No judgement. Love them as they are being. We are all just trying to find our way!
I’m going to compare us humans to candles.. Sometimes I see people trapping themselves into these monogamous relationships but they’re not getting their needs met, and instead of taking responsibility for getting their needs met, they allow themselves to suffer in monogamy. I see their joy and spark for life (flame) get smaller and smaller as they don’t allow themselves freedom. Just like a candle slowly burns out when it doesn’t get oxygen…. we humans need oxygen, freedom, to live!

Food

And now the more interesting part to many maybe. My eating habits,
Been struggling w binge eating but afraid to admit it to people. In the Landmark forum that I’m in, which is a self-help/transformation program, we have team members that we must stay in contact with and we all talk to each other about our “breakdowns”, so that together, we can help each other have “breakthroughs”. the philosophy is we must have a breakdown to have a breakthrough. A breakdown is when we’re trying to work on something in our life and we fail. Like trying to lose weight, or trying to stop binge eating. A breakthrough is a transformation in our way of being. We perceive the world differently after a breakthrough.
So they said in order to get past our breakdown, we first need to identify red flags for when we are having a breakdown. For me, it’s when I start to crave sugar or food in general, then I know I am starting to turn to food to deal with something. So I need to look right then at my life and see hmm, what just happened? And then I’ll see something that triggers my desire to eat to deal wth it. So for me, it was the fact that I have a potential interview, and I worry that I have to look skinny, so I worry about how I’ll hide my fat legs.
Then, we need to drop our old way of dealing with the problem, and we need to create the possibility of a new way of being.
So for me, I binge eat at night, which I guess is a time when I must face or look at my issues. The issues of the day can be put off by keeping busy, until night time when i cannot escape. I create the possibility for being a courageous and powerful human being, and that’s how I am for everyone.
Okay there we go. Hmmm, that might work actually…
I already ate a lot tonight though gaaah been staying at the same weight for so long!
CWl 127
GW1:121
GW2:118
GW3: 115
GW4: 110

i love you all!!

models

beauty

xo
AB

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3Somes!

First Time

So Sunday night was my first lesbian experience! I went out with my bi friend and her girlfriend (who is 11 years older than us and literally is a hotter version of Alex Voss from Orange is the New Black) and we went to the gay bars and in the back of my mind, I was down for a threesome. Seeing as I’ve never had a 3some, ever, it certainly wasn’t old hat. But i think our natural sexuality is understood deep within us, and it’s in every one of us, and is revealed when we set aside fear and judgement. So since I was raised by a Mom who LOVES sex and is bi, I have no sex shame. I mean, i do have sex shame from society, but like I don’t feel guilty when I’m wild and sexually exploratory, because I don’t feel I’m breaking any rules. Like, I know in the back of my head that my parents would be okay with it. And that’s what helps to set me free!

girls kissing

So yea I went down on both of them just to see what it was like, and they both came like super fast haha
They were like amazed that I was so good and I was also amazed that I was so effective. Like I just kept asking wait are you for real? You actually like got off? I think I understand it because with my boyfriend (who I am no longer with, he passed away a little over a year ago) he would explore my body and then tell me what he figured out. Like how he figured out what parts of me turned me on when he touched them or licked them, like nibbling on my ear, or touching.sucking my nipples, etc. He was so advanced in every which way: mentally, socially, sexually… he was just a divine being. He figured things out quickly, like he came into the knowing much quicker than most others. I feel blessed to have been with him.
But the way that he went down on ME, and how he informed me of how my body worked… well I used that knowledge with these girls.
It was kind of funny because my bi friend has been my friend since mid high school, so we’ve been friends like 7ish years, and now I’ve made her cum hahahaha like what on earth. But when my mind starts to drift to that place of like judgement, I bring it back to the experience and the feeling. And forget what society would say or judge. Judgments don’t serve anyone. They cram people down.
I don’t care what a normal “friendship” is supposed to be. I’m not gonna google it either. It’s all opinion, based upon fear. I want to express love however I feel like!
This friend I don’t have sexual attraction to, she’s just fun and sweet and non judgmental. And so it was a learning experience for me more than anything, and for her also. Her gf got off to me just giving her a lap dance too haha, so then I had to teach my friend how to best give her gf a lap dance. I felt so powerful for a moment like wow I really am GOOD at sexuality! And I think we all are, if we feel safe in doing it.

Oh so her gf is just lesbian, not bi,, and she has sex like a guy! Like literally bangs herself against you, even though she has no dick. I was kind of laughing like what, how does this work for you! My mind wandered to the possiblity that she ought to have been born as a guy, like perhaps there was a mess up or something. Because her body is JUST like that of a lean built guy also. And she is suuuper horny and gets off very quickly, and also very messy and just asks her gf to organize everything for her, but in a sweet way, like she seems very much lost without my friend. It was all very endearing. Like I felt like she was a guy. It didn’t feel weird to see two nude girls in bed. It was all very natural.
3some
Apparently the movie Spring Breakers has a 3some with Ashley Benson (good for her!) here’s a pic from it

Anyway, yea, so the next day I asked her if we should tell our friend group. She said she’s not gonna like seek out to tell them, but if they ask, then she’ll tell them. And she asked if that was okay.
I told her at first that I wasn’t sure that I wanted them to know everything. But she helped me to realize that our friends will love us for who we are and accept us for who we are, and if they don’t, then they’ll leave, and that is perfectly okay. Because I’m being AUTHENTIC.
This whole time, I’ve been creating this image for my friends, and allowing them to love that IMAGE of me, instead of all of me. But it’s not real love or friendship if I don’t expose all of me to them. I mean, it probably won’t affect my friendship with them at all, from their perspective they’ll still see me the same, but from MY perspective, I’ll feel better, like I’ll know that I’m being authentic and honest with everyone about who I am, and I’ll know for sure that they love all of me. Not a false projected image of me.


xo
AB