Crumble cake

I love that shit lately. Crumble top coffee cake.
But hey I’m depressed. I’ve been eating ferociously today and yesterday, in anticipation of upcoming social events. Both of which I ended up bailing on bec I felt too fat to go. Like I just shot myself in the foot: I knew I had two social things to go to, so I stressed that they’d see fat me and fat thunder thighs, so I kept eating more and more food (any food I could get my hands on, but also sugar stuff like choc chip muffins) and I didn’t work out yesterday or today… And just kept eating. And then I decided no way did I want to go out to the first one bec the guys would see my fat ass legs. And then the next morning I didn’t want to go to yoga before the girl is suuuper skinny and she would notice my fat assness. Fucking a.

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Yep those r the whale thighs. I store my fat in my thighs only and a little in my butt but I generally try to work that out, so it goes away pretty quick.

So I never stick to any diets, because I immediately think starving my body is unhealthy. And I think that binge eating IS healthy bec its all whole food, like Greek yogurt, apples, walnuts, cereal… Stuff that provides whole nutrients for my body. Its true, that’s what I’ve been believing. That its OK to binge eat, although I feel fat and my stomach protrudes out soo far after eating.
What do I do?

I thought of liquid only diet but my brother would notice. He always calls me out on talking unhealthily. The truth is I feel depressed bec I feel alone. I am not getting enough love in my life. So I eat. But anyway, I guess I can stop caring what ppl think and tell them hey I love you but I’m gonna do what I want and u do what u want, and don’t tell me what to do.

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Lolol

Sigh. I need serious help on having a consistent routine where I eat very little.

xo
AB

Not Bad, Not Bad At All!

jokes

So the scale at the gym today is broken, and has been in fact for the past 2 years ever since they decided the only working scale should be in the personal training section.
Where a trainer weighs you. HAH!
I think a trainer may have weighed me a while back when they first offered me complimentary gym training and I was sooo ashamed! Cause he was like a 24 year old guy and I was 18, and yea, weight is something I ALWAYS try to hide from guys. Wow flashback.
Anyway, so the scale today balanced between 123-127. At 128 it got too heavy, and 122 I think was too light? So I guess it’s a sign from the universe that the specific number doesn’t matter? Idk, I mean I ate sooo much yesterday that I honestly was glad the scale didn’t work haha

So today I vowed to just eat fruit, veggies, and fresh juice that I made. So I bought some kale and came home and juiced :

  • 1 head kale
  • 1 head romaine lettuce
  • 1/2 head celery
  • 6 carrots
  • 1 turmeric root
  • 1 sprig mint
  • 2″ of ginger

Yea I just juice whatever I find. And the kale turns into this dark green juice it looks like an evergreen forest! So beautiful!
Kale Juice
Yes, that’s the color!

Anyway, so literally no one in my life is into juicing. And you know what, it’s okay! Like I actually have no interest in pursuing a major in nutrition. Despite the fact that healthy eating is the core of my happiness. And people have suggested to me that I study holistic nutrition.
You know why I’m not interested? Well I think when people tell others what to do, it’s because they are not satisfied with themselves. I’ll say it again.
When we tell others what to do, it’s because we are not satisfied with that thing in ourselves. If we preach to others to eat right, it’s because we don’t feel stable or certain in our own eating habits.
If we preach to others about HOW TO GET A MAAAAN, well it’s because we’re not certain in our own abilities to get a man.
Right?
We like to project ourselves onto other people. Well actually, that’s all that we do. Project project project. You have an issue with someone? Before telling them why you’re mad, stop and think about what’s wrong in yourself. Seriously.
So I still find myself preaching every now and again, and when I pause to realize what I’m doing, it doesn’t feel right to me…. you know? It doesn’t sit right, I feel uneasy doing it, because I feel like I’m a fraud when I push my opinions onto other people. Like who the hell am I to tell people what they can and cannot do?! We have no right to do that to anyone!! We were born as free individuals! That freedom is there the rest of our lives. I, for one, will not take that freedom away from anyone.
Anyway in terms of preaching to people about their diets… hey, if they want to eat healthy, they’ll seek out info on their own! They don’t need me to get a degree in nutrition and then shove it in their faces!
I just want to talk about my joy for something that works for me, and if it inspires, then cool, if it doesn’t awaken interest, also cool!

So I love juicing because I’m so freaking happy whenever I do it. It creates life in my cells, they just come alive! My digestive system speeds up, the waste leaves my body quickly, and I feel energized.
Energizer Bunn
Yes that’s how I feel.

I also want to say what I noticed is that when I buy fresh juice from elsewhere, it isn’t the same. Not because their ingredients are better or worse. It’s because the act of laboring for my own food is half of what makes it so satisfying. When I just pick up some juice so conveniently, without having to clean up or wash anything, it just confuses my body. It feels too easy. So then I junk eat later, repeatedly. I’m not sure the reason behind the junk eating, but it’s just something that I’ve noticed I do.
So make your own! Juicers last forever, some have lifetime warranties, and they can give you a transformation in your life. See, I think a transformation is priceless! Look them up on Amazon if you’re interested. There’s a lot out there.
Anyway, this girl’s page has some good stuff

I love you all!
Thank you for your support like seriously. We all could use with some nice support! And compliments! It’s only a natural need 🙂

Cw: 123-127 lolol
GW1: 120
GW2: 116 <—used to be my set weight, so it probably still is
GW3: 112

Juicing n Jobs

Hey pretty girls!

So today I made green juice in our juicer:

  • 2 romaine lettuce heads
  • 1 English cucumber
  • 3 stalks celery
  • a handful of kale leaves
  • 1 lemon
  • 1.5 inches of ginger
  • handful of mint leaves

It tastes sour and very healthy. I like drinking raw juice because it has live enzymes from the water inside the plants, and it gets into your body quickly and begins loosening toxins and fat that have been in your body for years!
Also love it because it makes me super regular haha I always have such a flat stomach when I juice and such energy too! Plus my skin glows and people actually compliment it

Me w my juice I made!

If you haven’t juiced before, just be aware that it will shock your system so at first there may be bloating or your skin may break out. These are just the newly loosened toxins trying to escape your system at last! They can be flushed out through your digestive system instead by eating raw foods and drinking a lot of water.
Anyway check out raw food diet on the internet and you’ll find out a lot! Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t! Going just a few days without processed food (at my Mom’s place she doesn’t have anything that isn’t a fruit vegetable nut, or raisins) I genuinely crave fresh raw foods, and processed food looks dead to me. I mean it is dead, its usually brown or white, but vegetables and fruit are bright rainbow colors! I mean, they’re so much better to look at and enjoy!
Raw Foods Detox Diet Book
This book is what I first bought when I was looking into raw foods back in highschool and I still read it and refer back to it constantly!

I got off of raw foods eating because the juicing took some time (about 10-20 minutes including clean up), and I made up excuses for why I didn’t have the time. But somehow I have time for hours of Netflix and movies? Things that make me groggy afterwards? Yea, what an excuse!! I still love TV as much as the next person haha I’m not condemning it for the record. But I made time for that and not for my health and my energy, and now I’m making time for both! Actually right now it’s more about my energy and I haven’t watched TV in a week almost, but that’s fine, I don’t miss it toooooo much. Now I’ll probably go watch it after talking about it haha

Freelee the Banana Girl
Here’s a pic of Freelee the banana girl. I first found her on Instagram a few years ago. This is a picture of part of her countertop. Like she eats a TON of raw foods. Because that’s all that she eats, she can eat a lot of it. No more calorie counting!!

Before and After of Freelee
And here is her before and after’s. She’s got a lot of muscle now and I can honestly say I have that same problem haha which is funny because I never eat meat. So people ask me where I get my protein. Well idk but vegetables and fruit and whole grains MUST have it, because I’m so damnnnn muscular! Sorry I’m not a fan of bulkiness haha I love lean muscle though, I def do!

Okay so my real dilemma right now is that my seasonal job ended, and I didn’t replace it with a new one. I have been avoiding applying to places. Fear. But fear of what? Fear they won’t like me? Fear I’ll be awkward? Maybe a little of those, I’m not sure.
I mean I know I’m awesome (you’re all awesome, it’s not just me!), so yea I guess who wouldn’t want an awesome person to work with them!! With a lot of things in life, I find that thinking about them for too long prevents me from taking action. Jumping into action is what yields happiness and joy for me. You know, like walking into my brother’s room and telling him I love him. Without thinking about it, just doing it impulsively. It feels good, and I wouldn’t have done it if I’d given time to think about it…
So thinking isn’t always good!

I’ve been waffling with the idea of continuing to blog because it seems to take away from appreciating the present when I’m just reflecting back on the past and how my days have gone.
However I love reading other people’s posts so I’m gonna keep this for now!

Let me know how I can improve, or what interests you! I usually feel I’m just preaching to a silent and empty room!

xo
AB

Sickness as a Result of Starving

Today I was rlly sick, weird bec I’m neverr sick. Like severe migraine and such cramping in my back!
Yesterday I did some squats and things to work out my butt and quads, and these high intensity exercises really cramp up my muscles. Like the muscles roll up really tightly in the hamstrings, so today it was so tightly wound bec I never stretched I think, and it extended up through my back. I was bed ridden literally all day!! I even texted my mom to come and give me a massage, but she said it would take her a few hours and suggested Tylenol in the meantime. So after I popped that, I was feelin good! Btw, I understand why people get addicted to pain killers now! A nice numbing chill feeling.

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So I realized every time I extreme diet I get sick easily. My friends who forget to eat all the time, well they get sick a lot, and now I just realized perhaps if the body is not getting enough nutrients, then the immune system isn’t strong enough and there just isn’t enough energy to do the normal body processes. Like normally after I work out a lot, I consume bananas (just something that’s always in the house) and the potassium in those prevent muscle cramping. But now since IVe been eating nothing, I think my body’s been nutrient deficient, and therefore I have all these bizarre sicknesses suddenly. Idk if this interest you guys, but I find nutrition somewhat interesting!
Ate today:
1 banana (100)
2 apples (85×2= 170)
3/4 cup oatmeal w/ 1 tbsp brown sugar and 1 tbsp butter (350)
Evening:
Baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies – 6 NOO idea how many cals

IDK who reads these posts and perhaps no one does, but I create the idea in my mind that a lot of people are reading this, so that holds me accountable. I don’t want to look bad in front of a lot of people, and I did promise that I would be honest with what I eat!

Thanks for being here ❤
xo
AB

Exercise Struggles

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CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110
SO CONFUSED HOW I LOST WEIGHT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD lolz

Anyway that seems to be the case lately, my body is like on a 2 day delay of what I do!

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So this morning around 9, I went on a run to the beach and back, interspersed with some walking and pauses.
And BY THE WAY, it was suuuper hard to make myself go aaaaah
In fact, I’ve been planning on doing a beach run for the last few weeks, but always get too scared to!! Like okay what’s so scary about exercising? I don’t know!!  Ive been thinking about it for a while, and I think it may be that we have EXPECTATIONS of how much we need to work out beforehand. So we’re afraid to even exercise because we have such high expectations that we’ve created for ourselves to meet, that the whole idea of working out becomes daunting and scary. So I guess every now and again I want to check myself and ask wait WHY does this make me feel so afraid, what does this mean?

That’s something fun to work on too, if you notice that something scares you, just be aware of that, ask yourself why, and then make yourself do it!

Okay wow why am I always some damn life coach over here. Once I get started I just keep going like that Energizer bunny… Yes I’ve also been called that way too many times. New Halloween costume idea.

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I’ll be wearing those shades too.

And after i went to the beach w my best, it was really a good time, socializing always lifts me up for the rest of the day! We discussed our job dilemmas bec in our early 20’s, i feel like girls all feel so lost on their journey. Esp for girls who always aimed to please growing up. Now without school, there are no rules to follow, and it feels like we have to suddenly man up and be more aggressive to go after jobs. Changing who we are. Its scary sheeet!

Aanddd we did go to Souplantation after which is a buffet in case it is foreign to you. It wasn’t a huge issue though I ate mostly salad and some bread stuff but not enough to be too much. Still less than what I used to eat in a day, is my consolation. And also bec I lost weight today I feel like safe to eat. Maybe I’ll start weighing every other day bec right now… its yo-yoing all over the place.
DOES ANYONE EVEN READ MY POSTS?!!! Seriously I lovee reading your comments and your pages too. No ghosts! 🙂

CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

xo AB

Fattttt

So today I went to the beach after work, my dads house is a few blocks from it so I went by myself and splashed aroind in the waves for 10 minutes. It was marvelous! Every time those waves hit me, the smile I get just lights up my face!

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I took this pic today!

So I felt the most in shape of the other women @ the beach, but that’s because they’re older/have had children already so they have an excuse. I’m still 23 and just like to eat when bored lolz.

Anyway, came home and decided well why not just eat junk food. I’m not sure why exactly I wanted to start, I think I felt some shame of my thghs walking around in a swimsuit, so I fed that shame with more food, bec I use food as a numbing mechanism sometimes.. So I binged on a cup of ice cream, chocolate chips and quesadillas. But I don’t purge because that, I’ve noticed, makes me feel utterly worthless for up to two weeks after. Just binge.

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So either way I wasn’t gonna even write it on here bec I’m ashamed, and it’s super easy for me to feel like I have some sort of image to keep up… I write on here like how I text my friends, with the same honesty. But I’m not THIS honest w my friends when it brings me serious shame.
Bingeing = shame

But I love you guys and truly don’t want to hide myself. I’m trying to remain transparent like Scotch tape.

How do u guys prevent emotional eating?!

xo AB

Hair Falling Out?! Here’s my Cure :)

Hair

Hey y’all so I’ve had this issue where my hair falls out and it’s been doing this for like 4 years… I always eat super healthy but I’m vegetarian so apparently don’t get the protein needed to make Keratin, which is 90% of what our hair is made up of I guess. My hair dresser has been getting on my case and had me sign up for hair skin and nail vitamins from ItWorks!, this website that has diet vitamins and shit.

So it hasn’t made a difference so far and it’s been a month… so I took matters into my own hands and looked up how to naturally build up Keratin. Because as I’ve often heard, the vitamin business is the biggest scam. Our bodies can’t really absorb what’s in pill form so well. So I found that the combo of Vitamin C and protein eaten together is what will both put keratin in your body, and break it down for your body to use. Apparently broccoli, kale, and brussel sprouts have a lot of Vitamin C, as well as soymilk. As for protein, I hard boil eggs, but dairy products like yogurt and cottage cheese also work well.

Broccoli
So today for dinner I steamed 2 heads of broccoli, put lemon on it, and hard boiled 3 eggs. OMGGG THE BROCCOLI TASTES AMAZING. I couldn’t get enough!! I just realized that although I considered myself organic and healthy and shit, it’s super easy to forget to eat vegetables aside from the lettuce in salad. I guess my body really was craving that broccoli. Imma have to buy more tomorrow…

Apparently one full head of broccoli = 98 cals, but I threw away the stalk, which makes up almost half the calories. Both the stalk and the florets are equally nutritious I guess.

So fairly low cal and it’s filled with vitamins which is important because I don’t want to have sallow skin or go bald just bec I’m losing weight!

And for a nice laugh for you all, if anyone has seen White Chicks, this scene is hilarious but also reminds me of Ana, and in the end of the day, I actually hope I don’t see myself so falsely as she does!

xo AB

Dieting in Social Settings

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Social gatherings centered around food are situations I’ve always disliked. Why not have group hiking, group cliff jumping into the water, group something that’s not about stuffing your face? I feel like doing active things is truly living, but escaping into food… Is not. Group food gatherings are just something people have done for so long that they continue the habit, but its not a healthy habit to me.

So my best friend’s family is having a BBQ by her new pool and we are all expected to come because her boyfriend who I’ve never met will be there. They’ve been dating almost 3 years, mostly long distance, so he’s pretty important to her. But I don’t want to eat. Especially not around my skinny model- look-alike friends!
They all just have very thin body types naturally, are 5′ 9- 5′-11, and are not too into working out. Nor do they prioritize eating healthy. But I think they just are not huge fans of food so they don’t eat much on a regular basis… Food is not their go-to stress reliever like it has been for me. So I’m the off one out because I am the shortest 5′-5.5″, and I get muscle super easily. So im always working out daily and like bickering with food while they’re just gracefully sailing by haha

The girl who is hosting this BBQ is annoyingly obsessive with making sure people around her eat. She’s really really thin, has a boyish figure (no curves at all) and is Chinese and Filipino. And in the Filipino culture… you stuff your face. Especially at family gatherings.
I see it as unhealthy when one concerns themselves with other peoples affairs and tries to control them i.e. tells them to eat more or tells them to stop being so loud in public places… And I’ve told her twice now that I don’t like it when she makes me feel guilty for not eating the same junk that she eats (it took a lot of courage for me to say something). So she said okay, she understood that her and I just ate differently, but still she often rolls her eyes when I decline food because I have a 400 cal frappuccino that I’m currently drinking. She says that’s a drink, not food. Its like okay well I’m pretty sure this drink is more cals than your entire meal so why don’t you stfu?!!
Anyway, that’s what I’m concerned about at this damn BBQ because we must prance around in our bikinis but also stuff our faces. I’m down to do the first, but not the second!

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We are all free and in charge of ourselves and no one else! For all of you who feel like repressed or confused bec the people around you are telling you that you’re being unhealthy or healthy… That is NOT their place to decide! Some say that me exercising every day is unhealthy bec its “obsessive”, while others say its very healthy and necessary in order to keep up the endorphins and have a happy mind. But i try to listen to my body and my mind… What feels right for me. I noticed I feel severely depressed and fat if I don’t do cardio for just one day, so if I want to be happy every day, then I do some cardio every day. Just 15 minutes is all I need to feel happy and not guilty! Someone could say that’s unhealthy thinking, but their opinions do not matter bec what matters is that I am happy with myself!
Anyway, I have issues haha and I am not looking forward to this BBQ. I am because I love my friends, but I am not looking forward to having some awk battle w my friend over what I eat. If she does try to say something I’ll have to remind her that she is in control of her life as I am in control of mine!
CW: 123
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

weight loss


So I need some serious help in losing and maintaining weight loss.
I understand that I’ve been using food for comfort when I’m in emotional distress but the past few months I’ve become vividly aware that it doesn’t make me feel better. Art and design seem better outlets, but I only start a project before thinking in a self defeatist way “What’s the point of this again?”, and go back to eating random things from the cupboards.
I want to be thinner so my old clothes will fit, so I will fit in better with my super thin tall best friends, and so that I have more confidence in myself. When I was with my boyfriend, I weighed 115-118 on average and at the lowest point, 111. Since he’s died a little over a year ago, I’ve put on a good amount of weight from eating my feelings late at night… I work out in the day, but it just does not cancel out. As many of you probably know.
I don’t like it!
Butterfly treePost your tips and your CW and GW!
Current weight: 125.7
GW1: 120
GW2: 115