Eating with Ana Companions

So I’m at dinner with my family for my Moms bday, and my mom’s friend is so obvi Ana. It makes me not want to eat. But I ate anyway. But she’s rlly tiny and talks about rlly shallow stuff and seems disconnected from reality. All she did was take one chip from the bowl, places it on her napkin, pressed her hand on it to break it into pieces, and then doused it with salt. Throughout the night she ate the pieces of that one chip. And that’s all!
I guess I feel on edge when I’m at a meal around Ana people. Because they often talk a lot or ask me a milli questions about my food. Like dude stop
Haha but I still admire the Ana life. I just wished it appeared more normal.

xo
AB

OK biggest secret in my life

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I have been best friends with this girl for 10 years now, we’re both 23, and she gives me so much unconditional love all the time. The only person outside of my family who consistently does. Its like she is a sister from a past life. Or maybe a lover. We’re just on the same wavelength all the time. In terms of the words we say, and the struggles we feel we have, and the forward growth and self improvement that we create in our lives. I also give her unconditional love and encourage her sexuality and self expression and freedom, because I feel people are drawn to her free spirit like a light beacon, and our impulsiveness and wildness is something to nurture and let shine.

My secret is: I feel like I love her like actually all-encompassing love, and i want to do more with her than just hug. I want to try making out  (longer than our occasional drunk makeouts that quickly end in us laughing) and  I want to hook up like sleep together. Side note: ive never been w a girl – the most I’ve done is make out with girls. Which ive done quite a few times actually.

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She has a boyfriend of 2 yearsish and they r very much in love w each other. They live together, and have for about a year now and both r incredibly loyal people. Which means they’ll never leave, even if the relationship turns unhealthy.  But it is quite healthy. Just saying this to say that I support their relationship and do not seek to compete w her boyfriend or have them break up. He’s a nice guy too.

What’s crazy is that I never had these feelings until this year. Or never acknowledged that I had them.

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Okay wow I ought to give that to her haha

But aaah this is like something I have not written down before, so im looking around cautiously as i write this haha. I’m normally transparent and tell my friends everything, so this is new for me to keep a secret. And its a big one. Well actually, that’s a story I made up. Its not necessarily a big secret. I could just tell her. But I haven’t yet, and I am freaking ashamed of these feelings.
In fact, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of them, thinking things like
“Oh, I only have these feelings because I don’t have any guys in my life and don’t let any new guys into my heart, so she’s the only one who I’ve let in into my life … So naturally I may create feelings for her”. Or “I just want to try being bi, because i want to push my comfort zone and dissolve the boundaries i once created for my relationships – so I’m just creating a feeling that isn’t really there”.

But I’m thinking, why ignore the feeling? Why run from it? Why explain it? (We LOVE to analyze and understand “why” don’t we?) And also… why keepy feelings a secret? I feel like the longer something remains a secret, the more power I unintentionally give it, like i had been thinking it has some sort of destructive explosive power if I shared it with someone. It doesn’t have to be true though.
When I say the secret to the person, it takes all the power out of it. Knocks the wind out of its sails. Its called being authentic. But the thing is, do i want to change our relationship from a close friendship to something with more affection and more expressed love?
I mean yea i do want that! Right now it feels too safe. And there’s a possibility she may want to explore too. And if she doesn’t? Then I can say oh well, I was just being honest and true to myself!

Help. Seriously. I’m so glad this blog is here.

xo
AB

Mia Problems

First of all. You’re awesome. And I love you.  I love you because you are a brilliant and wise soul living a human experience. And actually, I love you because love is what I stand for; I am a loving human being, who gives love.

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Courtney Love in in ’09
Too pale but not too skinny!

So omgomg I ate SO much yesterday/this morning. Pulled an all nighter after doing some college quizzes that were due online by midnight. I noticed when I haven’t looked at proana stuff for a week or two and then go back to it, I overeat a lot. And then diet. So I’m gonna stick to the second part.

Btw 2 months ago I got a FatBurner pill from this website of beauty and health products called “ItWorks!” Www.myitworks.com, and someone I know swears by their products. So if you agree to get one product every month for 3 months, then u can pay for the products at the cheaper price without paying for the membership price.

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Not showing my full face bec I’m being anonymous!

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Has caffeine and green tea extract in it.
So the FatBurner pill I don’t use that often bec it makes me hyper as shit haha but also because from prior experience to products w caffeine, my body builds up a tolerance super fast to where I need it every day just to not get headaches. So I use it every now and again after a meal. But if u guys want to lose weight, I think its effective just because it makes u: not hungry and makes u want to move. I’m not sure if it burns extra carbs just on its own, I sort of figured that was their advertising ploy bec its better to say “you’ll sit around and burn fat” than to say “you’re gonna want to move and run around like a wild maniac and you’ll stop eating, and that’s how you’ll burn the cals”. Bec the second slogan sounds, well, not so relaxing.

So here’s my new fave gum as of this past week:

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Its like a Spearmint flavor and lasts insanely long (I think)

So I’m trying this new thing where I have “integrity”, some lingo we learned in the Landmark Forum meaning when we say we’ll do something… we do it. I think you’re all quite smart and don’t actually have trouble w vocab words but I guess for me, I never had thought of what exactly that word meant.
So I like having integrity because I feel like I can rely on myself. I feel dependable. I feel responsible for what occurs in my life, and let me tell u, that feeling is awesome, and empowering! I mean we are all responsible for our own lives actually, but I never acted like I fully was responsible.

So this tangent was because I say I am not eating today so now I won’t eat!

I really am thankful to you for reading this and just for being in this community!!

xo
AB

Being Easy on Myself & Triggers?

Note of Thanks

So first I want to say how much i appreciate you girls, and the wonderful support network you give!! I seriously love this community, it makes me feel super a part of something and not alone! My friends simply would NOT understand my food situations, but you girls do!

Is There Such Thing as a Trigger?

So after the group BBQ which surprisingly I got away with eating not much… I decided to go to the gym for a quick swim before coming home. It was actually suuuper refreshing I only swam like 5-10 laps (i count a lap as there and back), and showered there. Then I came home and saw pizza that my Dad had left out for whoever wanted it – and I decided to eat more. *sigh*  However, it felt like I was very much aware of what I was doing. Like I didn’t feel out of control, it was just like oh hey there’s pizza here, I’ll have a slice. Or two. And eat it slowly. And then some ice cream sundae after. And then Cinnamon Life cereal with some melted chocolate on it. haha oh noooo, reading this, maybe I am creating an illusion in my head that I was in control! Okay I said I would be honest so now I’m being honest! Wow this is really hard for me to just admit it all.
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So yea like in retrospect not the healthiest to eat it all, but I’m trying to not freak out on myself. Because from prior experience, if I freaked out that I ate all that, then I would immediately hate myself and feel suicidal. So at least today I’m not suicidal lolz. Not happy with the food I ate but also I thiiink I will be okay, ESPECIALLY because of the wonderful support network you guys give me!!

The whole trigger thing is interesting though. Many say oh shiiiit I started eating and now I simply cannot stop! But we can all stop. Proof: if you can’t stop, then you’d be on a straight eating binge for years, no sleep, no breaks…. So eventually we always stop! For me, I think eating at the BBQ lowered the barrier between me and food, so it made it easier for me to begin eating more. But it was not out of my control! So I didn’t even finish the Chex with chocolate because I was okay with the eating, and not hating myself for it. Being OKAY with it made it super easy to stop part way through.

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I think what also helped me stop is that i ate slowly and just checked in with myself like okay this is what I’m doing right now, be aware that I am eating all this junk and be aware of WHY I am eating it. Sooooo I try not to feel that there are any “triggers” because that’s like saying that everything is out of your control, and ANY and EVERYthing can cause you to relapse!  Eating disorders aside, all disorders have common themes in them. Skin picking, alcoholism, drug use, etc… all have “triggers”.  I personally don’t want to spend my life dancing around a mine field of triggers, with fear that I’ll accidentally step on one and then internally blow up! Like that’s no way to live, living in fear?!

I’ve read that the opposite of fear is love. So if we’re not doing something out of love, then we’re doing it out of fear. Well yea, I’m trying not to live in fear.

Easier said than done y’all. ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK AT THAT SCALE OMG FEAR FEAR FEAR. NO LOVE THERE!

What are your thoughts cuties?! I’m just a preacher with not much experience, I bet you all know far more about this than I do! Write your CW & GW also if u have one 🙂

CW: 127.6

GW1: 115

GW2: 110

xo AB

Plan ahead

I like this so much because she has created rules. When life becomes chaotic and we are not sure what to do and what’s the right path anymore, joining a system that has rules that guarantee a good end result feels like such a relief. It feels like such security.
I think its important to have stability SOMEWHERE in our lives. If there is none at home, then dieting creates this stability. 💗💜

LittleAna

imagePlan ahead your meals of the week or count the amount of calories you should consume. It should range between 350 to 650 calories a day.

The best way to succeed is to cut on fatty, sugary food. Only eat veggies and fruits. No bread or meat!

You have to eat enough calories to not die in 3 days and still being able to manage to loose weight.

Also put guilt in your heart when you eat to much!

Try to drink fizzy water so it simulates the feeling of being full.

make yourself some big quantity of food to eat for 3-4 days, like a soup for example.

For dinner. You can try to take a veggie soup with lots of water, spices, veggies (no potatoes), salt, no oils and just blend it all.

At lunch time you can make a carrot salad (shredded carrot, lemon juice and salt)…

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