I have been best friends with this girl for 10 years now, we’re both 23, and she gives me so much unconditional love all the time. The only person outside of my family who consistently does. Its like she is a sister from a past life. Or maybe a lover. We’re just on the same wavelength all the time. In terms of the words we say, and the struggles we feel we have, and the forward growth and self improvement that we create in our lives. I also give her unconditional love and encourage her sexuality and self expression and freedom, because I feel people are drawn to her free spirit like a light beacon, and our impulsiveness and wildness is something to nurture and let shine.
My secret is: I feel like I love her like actually all-encompassing love, and i want to do more with her than just hug. I want to try making out (longer than our occasional drunk makeouts that quickly end in us laughing) and I want to hook up like sleep together. Side note: ive never been w a girl – the most I’ve done is make out with girls. Which ive done quite a few times actually.
She has a boyfriend of 2 yearsish and they r very much in love w each other. They live together, and have for about a year now and both r incredibly loyal people. Which means they’ll never leave, even if the relationship turns unhealthy. But it is quite healthy. Just saying this to say that I support their relationship and do not seek to compete w her boyfriend or have them break up. He’s a nice guy too.
What’s crazy is that I never had these feelings until this year. Or never acknowledged that I had them.
Okay wow I ought to give that to her haha
But aaah this is like something I have not written down before, so im looking around cautiously as i write this haha. I’m normally transparent and tell my friends everything, so this is new for me to keep a secret. And its a big one. Well actually, that’s a story I made up. Its not necessarily a big secret. I could just tell her. But I haven’t yet, and I am freaking ashamed of these feelings.
In fact, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of them, thinking things like
“Oh, I only have these feelings because I don’t have any guys in my life and don’t let any new guys into my heart, so she’s the only one who I’ve let in into my life … So naturally I may create feelings for her”. Or “I just want to try being bi, because i want to push my comfort zone and dissolve the boundaries i once created for my relationships – so I’m just creating a feeling that isn’t really there”.
But I’m thinking, why ignore the feeling? Why run from it? Why explain it? (We LOVE to analyze and understand “why” don’t we?) And also… why keepy feelings a secret? I feel like the longer something remains a secret, the more power I unintentionally give it, like i had been thinking it has some sort of destructive explosive power if I shared it with someone. It doesn’t have to be true though.
When I say the secret to the person, it takes all the power out of it. Knocks the wind out of its sails. Its called being authentic. But the thing is, do i want to change our relationship from a close friendship to something with more affection and more expressed love?
I mean yea i do want that! Right now it feels too safe. And there’s a possibility she may want to explore too. And if she doesn’t? Then I can say oh well, I was just being honest and true to myself!
Help. Seriously. I’m so glad this blog is here.