Self Expression and Binge

Check In!

Hey girlsss so a lot has gone on, mostly good things!
I’ve been really interested in open relationships lately, and I’ve been hanging out with guys who have girlfriends, not sexually, but just to talk to them about deep things. Like why they do what they do. How they see the world, and encouraging them as well as challenging how they see it.
Both guys thanked me after our conversation, one by saying how he really loves that he can be authentic with me, because no one else lets him be. And the other said he really has been craving deep conversation, and this is the first he’s had in a while, and thank you for that.

What I realized about romantic relationships… they’re not all the same intensity! When I was with my boyfriend, he was my everything and we developed a very deep relationship. After a while it fizzled, and all we had was our memory of the depth we had gone to, but depth which we no longer continuously created. But a lot of guys I meet however, say they love their girlfriends, but keep seeking out connection outside the relationship. Which to me, is not bad, but just shows that 1 person is not enough for them. Or maybe they are with this girlfriend because they’d rather be with someone than be alone, but because they’re in it out of easiness, they don’t have an interest in improving and strengthening the relationship.
And actually, maybe one person is not enough to anyone. Who knows.
So here’s my theory and explanation for everything in our world:

I think it is our natural human nature to constantly have love flowing through us and from us, to everyone else.

And in our society, we shut down this hugely infinte source of love within us and instead, only allow our love to be expressed to one sig other, and a limited expression of love to our friends and family is acceptable too. Right? So I am challenging that. I want to be fully self-expressed, and I want everyone else to be also. Because self-expression is joy and love and light, and amazing to be around. It’s life.

So I want to be around open relationships because I feel it is spiritual, and it is the beginning of an understanding of the depths of our love.

Up until 2 months ago, I did nott like the concept of boyfriends hanging out w other girls or being “shady”, but now, I’m like LET THE GUYS DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. Let people do what they are doing. No judgement. Love them as they are being. We are all just trying to find our way!
I’m going to compare us humans to candles.. Sometimes I see people trapping themselves into these monogamous relationships but they’re not getting their needs met, and instead of taking responsibility for getting their needs met, they allow themselves to suffer in monogamy. I see their joy and spark for life (flame) get smaller and smaller as they don’t allow themselves freedom. Just like a candle slowly burns out when it doesn’t get oxygen…. we humans need oxygen, freedom, to live!

Food

And now the more interesting part to many maybe. My eating habits,
Been struggling w binge eating but afraid to admit it to people. In the Landmark forum that I’m in, which is a self-help/transformation program, we have team members that we must stay in contact with and we all talk to each other about our “breakdowns”, so that together, we can help each other have “breakthroughs”. the philosophy is we must have a breakdown to have a breakthrough. A breakdown is when we’re trying to work on something in our life and we fail. Like trying to lose weight, or trying to stop binge eating. A breakthrough is a transformation in our way of being. We perceive the world differently after a breakthrough.
So they said in order to get past our breakdown, we first need to identify red flags for when we are having a breakdown. For me, it’s when I start to crave sugar or food in general, then I know I am starting to turn to food to deal with something. So I need to look right then at my life and see hmm, what just happened? And then I’ll see something that triggers my desire to eat to deal wth it. So for me, it was the fact that I have a potential interview, and I worry that I have to look skinny, so I worry about how I’ll hide my fat legs.
Then, we need to drop our old way of dealing with the problem, and we need to create the possibility of a new way of being.
So for me, I binge eat at night, which I guess is a time when I must face or look at my issues. The issues of the day can be put off by keeping busy, until night time when i cannot escape. I create the possibility for being a courageous and powerful human being, and that’s how I am for everyone.
Okay there we go. Hmmm, that might work actually…
I already ate a lot tonight though gaaah been staying at the same weight for so long!
CWl 127
GW1:121
GW2:118
GW3: 115
GW4: 110

i love you all!!

models

beauty

xo
AB

Not Chipper

Depressed and fat.
I ate a lot but i was depressed before that. Now my stomach is just past the point of bursting and it hurts its so full, and I still feel so alone.
I did try a bit, well actually I just contacted 4 of my friends and told them I felt down and sad and wondered why it was that I was feeling this way yet AGAIN (I was like this last night too). One said she was depressed too, while another said maybe I get my happiness from other people, and that’s why I feel down when I’m alone. Another said that she sometimes also feels unwanted and lonely, and it’s normal for everyone. And the one who used to be my closest best friend didn’t answer. I don’t expect much from her lately, her boyfriend is her life. And we are just different now. i’m trying to find myself now, and shes trying to be all about that monogamous life and have her bf be her world. And her bf’s family. It’s whatever.I still try w her though bec she still knows me best and I still feel the most fulfilled when spending time with her. Although lately I guess that’s changing.
Anyway, last night when i felt depressed i decided to take care of my happiness, and i went on Facebook messenger and saw i had a message from a guy i had met a few days earlier at this “authentic relationships” workshop. And so we messaged back and forth a little about our beliefs on sexuality and taboo topics, like being attracted to my sibling (yes, society condemns it, but i want to question everything society condemns, bec society is totally fear based and our rules make no sense). And then I said: hey, how about we hang out right now? And he said well okay fine, he’d have to put on some clothes on bec he was studying in the nude, but he was down! So I drove 40 minutes to his house and we hung out and had a deep convo on sex positions and life and relationships for 3 hours! It was good, and I felt filled up inside. Like we really just didn’t act fake or that we had our shit together. We just spoke about our problems and our past. Or he spoke mainly, but that’s what I wanted.
energy flow
But then today, I felt utterly alone and sort of worthless. I hung out with my mom for 1.5 hours, but there isnt much to say to her I feel like. She’s filled w stories about her dating life, but I don’t date so I don’t like hearing about her stories. And so she gets mad at me that I’m not supportive of every one of her highs and lows. Like get over yourself woman, I feel sooo alone right now and you don’t even notice, and you’ve NEVER noticed! I don’t expect people to read minds, but I know that I pick up on verbal and visual cues a lot, and even if I didn’t, I ALWAYS ask people about themselves constantly. With my Mom, she steamrolls right over the person she’s with and keeps talking about herself and her newest hookup and how she really likes him. Like ya, u say that about every guy. She literally has sex with about 3-7 men a week. Like it’s not fun for me to keep feigning interest in excitement in each one, and then feigning sadness when they disappear from her life. Like it’s just waaay too much emotion.

Anyway, yesterday, I took care of my happiness. Today, I didn’t, I ate instead. And felt even worse I think. And ran out of people to ask to hang out with. Altho in reality there is no shortage of people. We are SURROUNDED by people, and they all want to connect. They’re just scared to, and all pretending they’re happy. They’re not though.
I don’t like being around ppl who say their life is great. It makes me feel like they’re lying. I guess I can’t truly believe that someone’s life is actually so perfect that they don’t need any more connection or changes in their life.

I’ve been junk eating as soon as I get home from work and told myself it was ok bec it was just one meal a day but I saw today that I was 130! So I’m gaining if anything. Altho I look the same/ thinner in my stomach.
I just want to be alone and depressed for a week.

xo
AB

Still Gaining

Now tonight I’m 129.2. Two pounds more than last night? Obvi our weight fluctuates a lot!
Logging my food daily for my nutrition class is def a lot of work, and the more I eat, the more I have to input, bec it doesn’t have any of my foods saved on the website. Let’s make it easier on myself next time and just not eat 🙂

image

xo
AB

Binge does not = bones

Is it weird that when i went to the Halloween store today, this was the most appealing costume to me.. by FAR?!

image

Feeling suicidal after the 3 bakery muffins i ate from Albertsons today, they were blueberry and topped in crystal sugar. Prob 550 cals each. What’s wrong w me, why do I keep eating?
Not actually suicidal bec I live at home and am constantly around my bro but good god if I lived on my own…

image

xo
AB

Fatty Out of Control – Make Way!

Okay whyyy have i been eating everything sight today?!
I often do this when there’s a social outing coming up that I have anxiety towards. I have anxiety towards many social events tbh, but esp. ones where I know I’ll have to show my body.
On Sat is a pool party for my mom’s bday and Sunday is another girls bday party, and we’re going to a nudist beach. Like all of these possibilities for them to see the thunder thighs just panics me, and so then I eat. But its all a subconscious thing. Like I have to think about it, mid-face stuffing, why it is that I’m eating so much, and then I realized its probably the anxiety over the upcoming possibility of showing my body.
This is an issue where I predict the future, accept my prediction as a fact, and allow that to affect my present happiness. I don’t actually know what will happen at the beach. I don’t know if I’ll end up taking off any clothes, I don’t know that I’ll be perceived as fat or as skinny. I don’t know that my body will even be looked at! But its sooo ingrained in my head that my thighs is all my friends will look at…

image

Eeeek that’s my fear. And then they’ll whisper to each other omg shes gained weight! Shes not like us.

I have that body type where I only gain weight in my thighs. I’m tired of trying to hide them, but its also become a habit to try and hide the legs. So I habitually avoid three fourths of my clothing. I haven’t even imagined myself wearing the skinny size 2 pants. Maybe I can imagine it though. Hmm one minute.
Okay how about my red pants that I’ve worn maybe two times in total.

image

Yea that’s pretty thin. I could do it if I just juiced and ate fruit and cooked vegetables only. No cereal and cheeses and nuts and yogurt.
Hmmm.
So yesterday I was 124 and today I’m just a cow so I don’t knowww
Gaaaaah
CW:125?
GW1:120
GW2: 116

See some days I’m a life coach and other days I’m like FML SOMEBODY HELP MEEE
Post your CW and GW and your opinions pleeeaasseee!
I want support, can I have it?!

xo
AB

Chocolate Chips and Cookies

Wow i am STILL having the problem of feeling the need to finish food items in the house. Because if I don’t, then no one will. (That’s my belief) And it will sit there for ever and get spoiled, or ignored, and what a waste of food!
>>Like who cares, right? Let the food sit there. If it gets spoiled, then it gets spoiled.
>But then I have to buy new food with my own money!
>>Well you’d have to buy new food eventually anyway…
Bickering voices in my head.
The biggest thing is when I make cookies. I always eat them all. Like way too many in one sitting/in one day. I never feel good about it. Sometimes I don’t feel depressed by it, I just feel full. So then the next time I want to bake, I tell myself, oh yea well it doesn’t always depress me, so I can make them again!

food
No. Seriously no one in my house likes food, so I could start making stuff only that I think they would want. If they don’t like food, then why would I make anything?

ALSO whenever my friends plan a hang out with me, I overthink it, worried that they’ll see my fat body in comparison to their tiny thin bodies, and so as a response, I overeat even more to numb my fears. So I pretty much make that fear a reality. Sounds like if I dissolve the fear, then I won’t make something so unwanted into a reality.
Okay let me talk myself through it:
I acknowledge that I feel fat in front of my friends. That’s okay. I am fatter than they are. That’s okay. I accept that. Now I’d like to transform this energy into useful energy. I’d like to be thin as well. Its okay if I am fat but it’s okay if I am skinny also. It’s okay. It is all okay.

Hmm I think i actually feel better now. At least that helps the mental health, if nothing else!

xo
AB

P.S. Thinspo for the post
thin

Damnit

True to my word, I didn’t eat yesterday. Welll until 10 pm when I had a probiotic mini yogurt drink (60 cal) and a nectarine.
So that was good enough.

Today I was doing good, just had coffee with almond milk (30 cals) and some hazelnut creamer, 2 nectarines(60×2=120), 2 carrots(50 cals), and a cup of hot almond milk (40 cals)sweetened w stevia and cinnamon. But then I waited to exercise till the night and when I came back I was just dreaming of cheesy pasta. So I made some. First I had a probiotic drink (60cals) to boost my digestion, and then some cottage cheese (80 cals). So the pasta ended up tasting terribly bec it was just rlly bad quality ingredients. My dad’s gf used to live here so all of the food was hers. She buys like crap processed foods that are an off brand label. TRASH!!! UGGGHHH like I just am not saying she is trash, but I’m so used to having wholesome food, and so my body just really is turned off from all this junk.  Anyway, it just didn’t taste good so I threw it out after a few bites and then made beans with shredded cheese and microwaved, then put some chips and lettuce leaves in it. Nachos with lettuce I guess. It was okay but also made mainly from the crap ingredients she left us.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE OFF OF SUCH CRAP FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS like I would just be so depressed simply bec it tastes so unnatural and dead. Like fruit and vegetables taste alive, and the processed food tastes dead. It looks dead too.But yea, like I really didn’t like the nachos much, they just aren’t fulfilling. I don’t know what is.

So to be honest, I originally had placed a picture of nachos here, but I realized that I absolutely hate when people do that to me! Like I’m innocently scrolling and BAM, there’s some hard core junk food in front of my eyes! Like cookies or some really sugary looking thing, and now I immediately want that food.
See, I care about you guys too much, so I am NOT gonna post some fatty food pic, just to create a craving in u that you didn’t even have before my page!!
So instead:

 

 

thin

I think this starvation thing works sometimes but also doesn’t work sometimes. My body is demanding to be fed so the longer I go without eating, the more higher calorie foods it craves. It’s part of the whole survival mechanism. Like the cavemen. Oh so did you know? I have been reading the Body Book by Cameron Diaz, and I read that we like sweets because way back then, the sweet foods were always the safest ones to eat, like they weren’t poisonous. While the sour and bitter ones, often WERE poisonous. But we also love high calorie foods (All of them, not just sweets) because way back when, when we didn’t know when we’d get our next meal, our body taught us to be drawn to high calorie things so that we could stock up on fat. And then it could be stored in the reserves, like our legs and arms and butts, for later use. Explains a lot, right?
So our environment and surroundings have changed, but our bodies have not. They still crave the same things, as if we lived out in the wild! We might as well go abandon society and go live in the woods y’all. Then at least we’d be back on our body’s natural rhythm and be skinny and lean!

I think instead of “fasting” all day, just to break it at night, I will aim for eating vegetables intermixed with some fruit all day. Maybe half fasting, like still eating very rarely throughout the day, but when I do eat, I’ll have raw foods.
veggies

Vegetables legit do take away my cravings for junk, bec they have the nutrients that my body needs. And since I so rarely eat vegetables, my body is always desiring their vitamins.
And before u tell me to just take a supplement, no, vitamins in a bottle do not work. Well, they hardly work! The body best absorbs things in their natural form, through natural food.

Anyway, not happy with myself, but not allowing myself to get too upset.
How do you guys stay on the diet without breaking it? Do I have to want it more? Maybe I have some fear of success in this…. maybe I need to stop envisioning the future, bec the future is just scaring me? And just think of right now, and how i will not eat right now

My CW: 125
GW1: 120
GW2: 117
GW3: 114
GW4: 110
GW5: 105

K THAT’S A LOT OF GOAL WEIGHTS
Comment your CW GW and height! And your opinions!! I like those a lot 🙂
I love you guys!


xo
AB

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
heavy
Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
love self

But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

pretty

All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
avril

Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
girlsss
And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB