In love w my sibling

I’ve stopped binge eating the last few weeks. In its place, I’ve been asking for more physical touch from people. And ive noticed that my intense desire for physical touch is ignored by my mind, because it feels that’s not “socially acceptable”. So then my mind encourages me to get the endorphin release in a more “safe way” – over eating. Eating fried foods or ice cream or muffins. This is powerful stuff people, listen up. Really. Its not food that we want. Its other humans that we want. Oh.

And im in love w my younger brother.

I am sexually attracted to him. And I haven’t told him. I’ve just told other people. and other people are okay with it. Because they know me, and love me, and so they find a way to understand. I guess. And also, I think by me admitting that I’m attracted to my sibling, and not only him, but all male family members, it gives other people freedom to admit things they r ashamed about. A few ppl have told me they’ve been very attracted to their dad’s, or their cousins. So yes. Please. Share.

image

Im crying all the time because I’m resisting my feelings for my brother. He’s 18 and I’m 23. I live with him and my dad and my uncle. I’ve been pulling away from him since my sexual desires for him became so powerful. We share a bed at my moms apartment sometimes and one night i felt like he was my old boyfriend laying next to me, and i felt immense attraction. I feel like hiding in a cave like “I should be ashamed of my feelings. How dare I feel this way!” I’m sharing this because I want people to talk about this with! Like others who have same experiences.
xo
AB

Sexual Awakening

Latest Adventures

Hiiii cuties
So a lot of sexual awakening has been happening in me the past 2 weeks, because I’ve been allowing it finally! Two weeks ago I had a 3some with my good friend and her new girlfriend, and this weekend I went to a gay bar and then 2 strip clubs w my mom and her friend and my friend, and then spontaneously joined a bachelor party that we met at the first strip club, hopped on their party van and went back with them to their beach mansion where we all hung out and talked and took Molly, and just stayed up all night talking and laughing. It was so fun!!
So being at the strip clubs made me realllyyy want to dance, because I feel so empowered when I dance, like give lap dances or just dance sexually. So I gave my friend a lap dance at the first one and then got a stern reprimand from the bouncer, and at the second one gave this hot guy from the bachelor party a lap dance and also got a talking to from a black bouncer haha
But anyway, try doing everything in a more sexual way! I read from this spiritual book that was channeled, that higher conscious beings integrate sexuality into all that they do, because sexuality is the core of our power. So I’ve been slowly doing everything more sexually: the way I walk, the way I smoke hookah, the way I eat Jello shots… Just doing it all very seductively, when I feel so inclined, and it feel so EFFING EMPOWERING like when guys and girls stare at me longingly, and then look away so I don’t catch them haha

And in terms of seeing other people be sexual… I love that! I still remember one girl in highschool was really pretty and thin, and she got up to walk to the front of the class to pick up her graded test, and I really wanted her to walk with her head up, with confidence, because it would go well with her beautiful body. And then she walked with her head down and sort of rushed up and back, and I could feel her discomfort. And it made me sad/frustrated, like dammit, I really wanted you to walk with confidence. Just because I love to look at it!
Walk

The way the models walk, with their arms up in the air… well that’s how I like to dance. Just feel the freedom and energy flowing through me. And for some reason it really draws people to me to watch like WOW. I think they’re not even sure what they love about it, but I’ve been theorizing that it’s my freedom that they’re drawn to.
models

Possibly Wild Job

And now what I’d like to say is that I realize I want a job where I’m dancing. A go-go dancer or a stripper job. Like I love being watched, but I’m also okay dancing with no one in the room, just because I love that I’m expressing myself through dance. The energy flows through me and it’s often a spiritual experience.

I went to a polyamory workshop with my mom last night, and talked to a guy there who had also gone to the Landmark Forum with me, and I asked him how hes changed since going to it. Hes buff and sort of short and has square glasses and has that look about him like one of those ppl who works at Apple. So he said he always had this idea that he needed to design Apps for Apple and stuff, but he always would put off applying and pursuing. He then realized its because it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he was trying to do those jobs because that’s what he thought his friends and family wanted him to do. So he completely went a diff way and started a nutrition business of sorts.
So I told him about stripping/go-go dancing, and he told me that he saw that the common theme for me was that I liked to dance, so what did I want to create for myself in my life where I could use dance? Because I could be a stripper if I wanted, he said, just try it out, but I could also create my own job/experience. Like I don’t have to fit into one of the roles that my surroundings already have a place for. Strippers and go-go dancers already have a place held open for them in society. These jobs were created by someone at one point, to fulfill a need/desire.
Well then, why not create my own – something new – based upon what I want, and how I feel?! CREATE MY OWN?! I love it!! I feel overwhelmed a bit at the prospect of creating a new website or a new job outlet where I’d use my dancing in a new way, that hasn’t been done before. But why not get paid for that? Because honestly, people do love watching me do it, and honestly, I do love doing it. So it’s a win-win right?
So after the poly workshop, I told my mom last night that I wanted to be a stripper and I was laughing and so she was laughing too and then getting serious, then laughing again, bec she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. But then she was cool with it (as I knew she would be, bec she’s one of the most sexual ppl I know) and then said that she wants to be one too so we’ll have to strip at different clubs haha
My mom makes a good income, is middle class and works as a consultant, and has an awesome boss and a lot of freedom in her job and so her boss is very aware of her sexuality and stuff, but he’s cool with it haha

So i think she wouldn’t really pursue it, because she’s not as passionate about dance as I am. She expresses her sexuality through actual sex. Probably explains why she has sex with sooo many men.
Anyway, yep, that’s where my mind has been lately!

Oh and with the food thing, I’ve been eating more on and off, and it is more out of of boredom now than because of stress or anxiety. So I think that’s a good change although honestly I question a lot, do I REALLY want to be thin? Bec if I did, wouldn’t I be eating less? One possibility: it’s easy for me to be skinny, its harder for me to gain weight, so I’m trying to challenge myself by gaining. How do I switch that mindset? It’s harder for me to work out a lot I guess. Like that is a challenge. Not the being skinny part, but the working out part.
Perhaps my goal can be that, and not the body part.

Love you all!
Let me know what you think of all this 🙂


xo
AB

3Somes!

First Time

So Sunday night was my first lesbian experience! I went out with my bi friend and her girlfriend (who is 11 years older than us and literally is a hotter version of Alex Voss from Orange is the New Black) and we went to the gay bars and in the back of my mind, I was down for a threesome. Seeing as I’ve never had a 3some, ever, it certainly wasn’t old hat. But i think our natural sexuality is understood deep within us, and it’s in every one of us, and is revealed when we set aside fear and judgement. So since I was raised by a Mom who LOVES sex and is bi, I have no sex shame. I mean, i do have sex shame from society, but like I don’t feel guilty when I’m wild and sexually exploratory, because I don’t feel I’m breaking any rules. Like, I know in the back of my head that my parents would be okay with it. And that’s what helps to set me free!

girls kissing

So yea I went down on both of them just to see what it was like, and they both came like super fast haha
They were like amazed that I was so good and I was also amazed that I was so effective. Like I just kept asking wait are you for real? You actually like got off? I think I understand it because with my boyfriend (who I am no longer with, he passed away a little over a year ago) he would explore my body and then tell me what he figured out. Like how he figured out what parts of me turned me on when he touched them or licked them, like nibbling on my ear, or touching.sucking my nipples, etc. He was so advanced in every which way: mentally, socially, sexually… he was just a divine being. He figured things out quickly, like he came into the knowing much quicker than most others. I feel blessed to have been with him.
But the way that he went down on ME, and how he informed me of how my body worked… well I used that knowledge with these girls.
It was kind of funny because my bi friend has been my friend since mid high school, so we’ve been friends like 7ish years, and now I’ve made her cum hahahaha like what on earth. But when my mind starts to drift to that place of like judgement, I bring it back to the experience and the feeling. And forget what society would say or judge. Judgments don’t serve anyone. They cram people down.
I don’t care what a normal “friendship” is supposed to be. I’m not gonna google it either. It’s all opinion, based upon fear. I want to express love however I feel like!
This friend I don’t have sexual attraction to, she’s just fun and sweet and non judgmental. And so it was a learning experience for me more than anything, and for her also. Her gf got off to me just giving her a lap dance too haha, so then I had to teach my friend how to best give her gf a lap dance. I felt so powerful for a moment like wow I really am GOOD at sexuality! And I think we all are, if we feel safe in doing it.

Oh so her gf is just lesbian, not bi,, and she has sex like a guy! Like literally bangs herself against you, even though she has no dick. I was kind of laughing like what, how does this work for you! My mind wandered to the possiblity that she ought to have been born as a guy, like perhaps there was a mess up or something. Because her body is JUST like that of a lean built guy also. And she is suuuper horny and gets off very quickly, and also very messy and just asks her gf to organize everything for her, but in a sweet way, like she seems very much lost without my friend. It was all very endearing. Like I felt like she was a guy. It didn’t feel weird to see two nude girls in bed. It was all very natural.
3some
Apparently the movie Spring Breakers has a 3some with Ashley Benson (good for her!) here’s a pic from it

Anyway, yea, so the next day I asked her if we should tell our friend group. She said she’s not gonna like seek out to tell them, but if they ask, then she’ll tell them. And she asked if that was okay.
I told her at first that I wasn’t sure that I wanted them to know everything. But she helped me to realize that our friends will love us for who we are and accept us for who we are, and if they don’t, then they’ll leave, and that is perfectly okay. Because I’m being AUTHENTIC.
This whole time, I’ve been creating this image for my friends, and allowing them to love that IMAGE of me, instead of all of me. But it’s not real love or friendship if I don’t expose all of me to them. I mean, it probably won’t affect my friendship with them at all, from their perspective they’ll still see me the same, but from MY perspective, I’ll feel better, like I’ll know that I’m being authentic and honest with everyone about who I am, and I’ll know for sure that they love all of me. Not a false projected image of me.


xo
AB