In love w my sibling

I’ve stopped binge eating the last few weeks. In its place, I’ve been asking for more physical touch from people. And ive noticed that my intense desire for physical touch is ignored by my mind, because it feels that’s not “socially acceptable”. So then my mind encourages me to get the endorphin release in a more “safe way” – over eating. Eating fried foods or ice cream or muffins. This is powerful stuff people, listen up. Really. Its not food that we want. Its other humans that we want. Oh.

And im in love w my younger brother.

I am sexually attracted to him. And I haven’t told him. I’ve just told other people. and other people are okay with it. Because they know me, and love me, and so they find a way to understand. I guess. And also, I think by me admitting that I’m attracted to my sibling, and not only him, but all male family members, it gives other people freedom to admit things they r ashamed about. A few ppl have told me they’ve been very attracted to their dad’s, or their cousins. So yes. Please. Share.

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Im crying all the time because I’m resisting my feelings for my brother. He’s 18 and I’m 23. I live with him and my dad and my uncle. I’ve been pulling away from him since my sexual desires for him became so powerful. We share a bed at my moms apartment sometimes and one night i felt like he was my old boyfriend laying next to me, and i felt immense attraction. I feel like hiding in a cave like “I should be ashamed of my feelings. How dare I feel this way!” I’m sharing this because I want people to talk about this with! Like others who have same experiences.
xo
AB

Self Expression and Binge

Check In!

Hey girlsss so a lot has gone on, mostly good things!
I’ve been really interested in open relationships lately, and I’ve been hanging out with guys who have girlfriends, not sexually, but just to talk to them about deep things. Like why they do what they do. How they see the world, and encouraging them as well as challenging how they see it.
Both guys thanked me after our conversation, one by saying how he really loves that he can be authentic with me, because no one else lets him be. And the other said he really has been craving deep conversation, and this is the first he’s had in a while, and thank you for that.

What I realized about romantic relationships… they’re not all the same intensity! When I was with my boyfriend, he was my everything and we developed a very deep relationship. After a while it fizzled, and all we had was our memory of the depth we had gone to, but depth which we no longer continuously created. But a lot of guys I meet however, say they love their girlfriends, but keep seeking out connection outside the relationship. Which to me, is not bad, but just shows that 1 person is not enough for them. Or maybe they are with this girlfriend because they’d rather be with someone than be alone, but because they’re in it out of easiness, they don’t have an interest in improving and strengthening the relationship.
And actually, maybe one person is not enough to anyone. Who knows.
So here’s my theory and explanation for everything in our world:

I think it is our natural human nature to constantly have love flowing through us and from us, to everyone else.

And in our society, we shut down this hugely infinte source of love within us and instead, only allow our love to be expressed to one sig other, and a limited expression of love to our friends and family is acceptable too. Right? So I am challenging that. I want to be fully self-expressed, and I want everyone else to be also. Because self-expression is joy and love and light, and amazing to be around. It’s life.

So I want to be around open relationships because I feel it is spiritual, and it is the beginning of an understanding of the depths of our love.

Up until 2 months ago, I did nott like the concept of boyfriends hanging out w other girls or being “shady”, but now, I’m like LET THE GUYS DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. Let people do what they are doing. No judgement. Love them as they are being. We are all just trying to find our way!
I’m going to compare us humans to candles.. Sometimes I see people trapping themselves into these monogamous relationships but they’re not getting their needs met, and instead of taking responsibility for getting their needs met, they allow themselves to suffer in monogamy. I see their joy and spark for life (flame) get smaller and smaller as they don’t allow themselves freedom. Just like a candle slowly burns out when it doesn’t get oxygen…. we humans need oxygen, freedom, to live!

Food

And now the more interesting part to many maybe. My eating habits,
Been struggling w binge eating but afraid to admit it to people. In the Landmark forum that I’m in, which is a self-help/transformation program, we have team members that we must stay in contact with and we all talk to each other about our “breakdowns”, so that together, we can help each other have “breakthroughs”. the philosophy is we must have a breakdown to have a breakthrough. A breakdown is when we’re trying to work on something in our life and we fail. Like trying to lose weight, or trying to stop binge eating. A breakthrough is a transformation in our way of being. We perceive the world differently after a breakthrough.
So they said in order to get past our breakdown, we first need to identify red flags for when we are having a breakdown. For me, it’s when I start to crave sugar or food in general, then I know I am starting to turn to food to deal with something. So I need to look right then at my life and see hmm, what just happened? And then I’ll see something that triggers my desire to eat to deal wth it. So for me, it was the fact that I have a potential interview, and I worry that I have to look skinny, so I worry about how I’ll hide my fat legs.
Then, we need to drop our old way of dealing with the problem, and we need to create the possibility of a new way of being.
So for me, I binge eat at night, which I guess is a time when I must face or look at my issues. The issues of the day can be put off by keeping busy, until night time when i cannot escape. I create the possibility for being a courageous and powerful human being, and that’s how I am for everyone.
Okay there we go. Hmmm, that might work actually…
I already ate a lot tonight though gaaah been staying at the same weight for so long!
CWl 127
GW1:121
GW2:118
GW3: 115
GW4: 110

i love you all!!

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beauty

xo
AB

Self Improvement

Hey girls,
So I went to a self improvement workshop last weekend, called Landmark Forum and it changed my life! As short as my life may be thus far haha also I was so focused on loving people that my desire to eat entirely vanished for 5 days!

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A quick thing about it, bec I am so excited by it:
It was $575, which scares away most people my age. Or most people in general. They will say its expensive. Its expensive compared to what? To a plane ticket to new York for a vacation that lasts a few days? To the $400 iPad you bought that is now broken/falling apart? This is self improvement that empowers us and lasts a lifetime 🙂 plus it keeps on giving.  I feel empowered by it, and now I try to empower other people in my life. And they then try to empower their family members. Its nice to spread love, it really is!!

What I learned from this forum is to be authentic (honest) with everyone. Part of being honest is removing the excuses and finding that we really do love everyone, and the moment we tell them we love them and are authentic with them… we are set free.

After the forum, i felt like this bird

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Okay so I haven’t been paying attention to what i eat lately like my desire to connect with people and tell them I love them is so strong, and so much more satisfying than food. So when I eat its generally with people, out of necessity bec its prob been awhile since I last ate, but not bec of my usual desire to stuff my feelings…

However today at work someone left a platter full of soft cookies so I’m eating those rn. Feeling somewhat bad about it. Is literally been months since I’ve eaten a cookie. And they’re not satisfying! Oatmeal and walnuts taste so much better! But you know, I am by myself at work and I have no legit escuse. I ate cookies because I ate cookies. No other reason than that (that’s something we learned in the landmark forum)

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Anyway I actually think I’ve lost some weight although I’ve avoided the scales. Whenever I weigh myself, I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a lot shortly thereafter. Either bec I don’t like my weight, or bec I do like it and so now I have permission to eat. I know I have the power to change that habit, but either way, I’m avoiding it!! Haha isn’t that funny, I eat my feelings, regardless of what the scale actually says
Comment pleeaaasseee!!

xo
AB