Waddup y’all sooo it’s been awhile!
With the exception of the depressing weekend where I first binge ate cookies and then spent the next two days sleeping so that I could avoid eating (with the help of some nice sleeping pills), life has otherwise been good! Life is only good when I socialize though. I’ve always walked around with these labels I put on myself as being “socially awkward” or “afraid of people”. (Hey as a child, I truly was afraid of saying hello to my own friends, unless they said it first).
Aah yes, a pretty girl so alone and shy
But bec I felt I was antisocial, I often tried to convince myself that I preferred being alone to spending time with people. But when I actuallyyyy consciously observed myself and my moods… I’m always so DAMN happy after I spend time with my friends! Or after I have meaningful talks with strangers. Liiiike can’t ignore the signs, yo. I guess I’m not actually better when alone. I’m better when surrounded by people!
So my mom and I went to a meetup.com bonfire at the beach last night, it was a full moon bonfire, and it was the first time I’ve ever been to a meetup group! So I wanted to instinctively go for the cop-out in my head of: “yea I’m socially awkward, I won’t have fun at this”. I voiced this to my mom. She said, create a possibility for yourself at this meetup. What possibilities would you like to create for yourself here?
Oh my mom is so wise. Anyway, a possibility I could create could have been: I’d like to meet a stranger. Or I’d like to get someone’s number. Or I’d like to have a conversation with someone. But I stated getting afraid and just blocked these all out of my mind. But we kept walking up to the group, and after my mom said a few words to some people next to us, we decided to just stand there In the circle, and soon enough, people came up to us! The conversation was awkward and forced at first, but it was okay because I decided that I would allow the other people to carry the conversation for once. I wasn’t gonna be the damn entertainment of the night, like usual, I was gonna let them entertain me!!
I ended up having a convo w a guy I actually thought was cute (until 2 minutes in when he asked me what type of car I have and if I share it with anyone, like maybe my mom for instance?) and we went in the ocean together at 9 at night! While this other random drunken guy in his like 50s held my shirt for me and watched us go in haha he was like just happy in his own drunken world. And the cute guy asked for my number, but i have to say he lost his cuteness because his face actually got scary looking when he smiled, it was like a weird forced smile. and the convo did not flow at all. It was aaaaalll pretty damn forced. Hmm maybe he hadn’t taken a shit in a while so he was like super uptight. Eek haha well there you have it folks!!
The night was a success though because I’ve never been sober and spoken to a new romantic interest. I’m always drunk and at a bar normally! Or drunk at the beach. So that was progress for me!
Oh also forgot to mention this girl randomly points at me and said that I was the smallest so they should pick me. The task was to lift me up and have me sit on someone’s shoulders so that I could tie a lantern to the top of the tent. They needed a light over the food tent and no one was tall enough to reach. So yea this big buff guy like put his head between my legs and lifted me up haha it was the scariest shit of my life like whaaa you’re putting your head in my crotch?! So I was shaking the whole time but it was a lot of teamwork. Oh here’s pics of the incident:
Yesterday I ate not much. 2 cups Watermelon, 2 apples, 200 cals of cereal and a tall green tea latte with soy milk from Starbucks. Two chips w hummus on them and a slice of someone’s homemade pumpkin bread.
Today I ran a mile on the treadmill at an incline of 4.0, and biked 10 minutes on the stationary bike with a resistance of 8-9 the whole time.
1/4 cup of fresh beet juice (25 cals)
about 1 cup of walnuts (650 cals)
About 1/2 cup of raisins (200 cals)
1 apple (80 cals)
And my abs are more pronounced now. Love eating healthy but even more importantly, I love people!! People are what make me feel complete. Not my weight. People.
Although in regards to my weight: I’ll post that tomorrow when I’m back at my dads and have a scale!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! ❤