Sexual Awakening

Latest Adventures

Hiiii cuties
So a lot of sexual awakening has been happening in me the past 2 weeks, because I’ve been allowing it finally! Two weeks ago I had a 3some with my good friend and her new girlfriend, and this weekend I went to a gay bar and then 2 strip clubs w my mom and her friend and my friend, and then spontaneously joined a bachelor party that we met at the first strip club, hopped on their party van and went back with them to their beach mansion where we all hung out and talked and took Molly, and just stayed up all night talking and laughing. It was so fun!!
So being at the strip clubs made me realllyyy want to dance, because I feel so empowered when I dance, like give lap dances or just dance sexually. So I gave my friend a lap dance at the first one and then got a stern reprimand from the bouncer, and at the second one gave this hot guy from the bachelor party a lap dance and also got a talking to from a black bouncer haha
But anyway, try doing everything in a more sexual way! I read from this spiritual book that was channeled, that higher conscious beings integrate sexuality into all that they do, because sexuality is the core of our power. So I’ve been slowly doing everything more sexually: the way I walk, the way I smoke hookah, the way I eat Jello shots… Just doing it all very seductively, when I feel so inclined, and it feel so EFFING EMPOWERING like when guys and girls stare at me longingly, and then look away so I don’t catch them haha

And in terms of seeing other people be sexual… I love that! I still remember one girl in highschool was really pretty and thin, and she got up to walk to the front of the class to pick up her graded test, and I really wanted her to walk with her head up, with confidence, because it would go well with her beautiful body. And then she walked with her head down and sort of rushed up and back, and I could feel her discomfort. And it made me sad/frustrated, like dammit, I really wanted you to walk with confidence. Just because I love to look at it!
Walk

The way the models walk, with their arms up in the air… well that’s how I like to dance. Just feel the freedom and energy flowing through me. And for some reason it really draws people to me to watch like WOW. I think they’re not even sure what they love about it, but I’ve been theorizing that it’s my freedom that they’re drawn to.
models

Possibly Wild Job

And now what I’d like to say is that I realize I want a job where I’m dancing. A go-go dancer or a stripper job. Like I love being watched, but I’m also okay dancing with no one in the room, just because I love that I’m expressing myself through dance. The energy flows through me and it’s often a spiritual experience.

I went to a polyamory workshop with my mom last night, and talked to a guy there who had also gone to the Landmark Forum with me, and I asked him how hes changed since going to it. Hes buff and sort of short and has square glasses and has that look about him like one of those ppl who works at Apple. So he said he always had this idea that he needed to design Apps for Apple and stuff, but he always would put off applying and pursuing. He then realized its because it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he was trying to do those jobs because that’s what he thought his friends and family wanted him to do. So he completely went a diff way and started a nutrition business of sorts.
So I told him about stripping/go-go dancing, and he told me that he saw that the common theme for me was that I liked to dance, so what did I want to create for myself in my life where I could use dance? Because I could be a stripper if I wanted, he said, just try it out, but I could also create my own job/experience. Like I don’t have to fit into one of the roles that my surroundings already have a place for. Strippers and go-go dancers already have a place held open for them in society. These jobs were created by someone at one point, to fulfill a need/desire.
Well then, why not create my own – something new – based upon what I want, and how I feel?! CREATE MY OWN?! I love it!! I feel overwhelmed a bit at the prospect of creating a new website or a new job outlet where I’d use my dancing in a new way, that hasn’t been done before. But why not get paid for that? Because honestly, people do love watching me do it, and honestly, I do love doing it. So it’s a win-win right?
So after the poly workshop, I told my mom last night that I wanted to be a stripper and I was laughing and so she was laughing too and then getting serious, then laughing again, bec she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. But then she was cool with it (as I knew she would be, bec she’s one of the most sexual ppl I know) and then said that she wants to be one too so we’ll have to strip at different clubs haha
My mom makes a good income, is middle class and works as a consultant, and has an awesome boss and a lot of freedom in her job and so her boss is very aware of her sexuality and stuff, but he’s cool with it haha

So i think she wouldn’t really pursue it, because she’s not as passionate about dance as I am. She expresses her sexuality through actual sex. Probably explains why she has sex with sooo many men.
Anyway, yep, that’s where my mind has been lately!

Oh and with the food thing, I’ve been eating more on and off, and it is more out of of boredom now than because of stress or anxiety. So I think that’s a good change although honestly I question a lot, do I REALLY want to be thin? Bec if I did, wouldn’t I be eating less? One possibility: it’s easy for me to be skinny, its harder for me to gain weight, so I’m trying to challenge myself by gaining. How do I switch that mindset? It’s harder for me to work out a lot I guess. Like that is a challenge. Not the being skinny part, but the working out part.
Perhaps my goal can be that, and not the body part.

Love you all!
Let me know what you think of all this 🙂


xo
AB

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Eating with Ana Companions

So I’m at dinner with my family for my Moms bday, and my mom’s friend is so obvi Ana. It makes me not want to eat. But I ate anyway. But she’s rlly tiny and talks about rlly shallow stuff and seems disconnected from reality. All she did was take one chip from the bowl, places it on her napkin, pressed her hand on it to break it into pieces, and then doused it with salt. Throughout the night she ate the pieces of that one chip. And that’s all!
I guess I feel on edge when I’m at a meal around Ana people. Because they often talk a lot or ask me a milli questions about my food. Like dude stop
Haha but I still admire the Ana life. I just wished it appeared more normal.

xo
AB

Not Bad, Not Bad At All!

jokes

So the scale at the gym today is broken, and has been in fact for the past 2 years ever since they decided the only working scale should be in the personal training section.
Where a trainer weighs you. HAH!
I think a trainer may have weighed me a while back when they first offered me complimentary gym training and I was sooo ashamed! Cause he was like a 24 year old guy and I was 18, and yea, weight is something I ALWAYS try to hide from guys. Wow flashback.
Anyway, so the scale today balanced between 123-127. At 128 it got too heavy, and 122 I think was too light? So I guess it’s a sign from the universe that the specific number doesn’t matter? Idk, I mean I ate sooo much yesterday that I honestly was glad the scale didn’t work haha

So today I vowed to just eat fruit, veggies, and fresh juice that I made. So I bought some kale and came home and juiced :

  • 1 head kale
  • 1 head romaine lettuce
  • 1/2 head celery
  • 6 carrots
  • 1 turmeric root
  • 1 sprig mint
  • 2″ of ginger

Yea I just juice whatever I find. And the kale turns into this dark green juice it looks like an evergreen forest! So beautiful!
Kale Juice
Yes, that’s the color!

Anyway, so literally no one in my life is into juicing. And you know what, it’s okay! Like I actually have no interest in pursuing a major in nutrition. Despite the fact that healthy eating is the core of my happiness. And people have suggested to me that I study holistic nutrition.
You know why I’m not interested? Well I think when people tell others what to do, it’s because they are not satisfied with themselves. I’ll say it again.
When we tell others what to do, it’s because we are not satisfied with that thing in ourselves. If we preach to others to eat right, it’s because we don’t feel stable or certain in our own eating habits.
If we preach to others about HOW TO GET A MAAAAN, well it’s because we’re not certain in our own abilities to get a man.
Right?
We like to project ourselves onto other people. Well actually, that’s all that we do. Project project project. You have an issue with someone? Before telling them why you’re mad, stop and think about what’s wrong in yourself. Seriously.
So I still find myself preaching every now and again, and when I pause to realize what I’m doing, it doesn’t feel right to me…. you know? It doesn’t sit right, I feel uneasy doing it, because I feel like I’m a fraud when I push my opinions onto other people. Like who the hell am I to tell people what they can and cannot do?! We have no right to do that to anyone!! We were born as free individuals! That freedom is there the rest of our lives. I, for one, will not take that freedom away from anyone.
Anyway in terms of preaching to people about their diets… hey, if they want to eat healthy, they’ll seek out info on their own! They don’t need me to get a degree in nutrition and then shove it in their faces!
I just want to talk about my joy for something that works for me, and if it inspires, then cool, if it doesn’t awaken interest, also cool!

So I love juicing because I’m so freaking happy whenever I do it. It creates life in my cells, they just come alive! My digestive system speeds up, the waste leaves my body quickly, and I feel energized.
Energizer Bunn
Yes that’s how I feel.

I also want to say what I noticed is that when I buy fresh juice from elsewhere, it isn’t the same. Not because their ingredients are better or worse. It’s because the act of laboring for my own food is half of what makes it so satisfying. When I just pick up some juice so conveniently, without having to clean up or wash anything, it just confuses my body. It feels too easy. So then I junk eat later, repeatedly. I’m not sure the reason behind the junk eating, but it’s just something that I’ve noticed I do.
So make your own! Juicers last forever, some have lifetime warranties, and they can give you a transformation in your life. See, I think a transformation is priceless! Look them up on Amazon if you’re interested. There’s a lot out there.
Anyway, this girl’s page has some good stuff

I love you all!
Thank you for your support like seriously. We all could use with some nice support! And compliments! It’s only a natural need 🙂

Cw: 123-127 lolol
GW1: 120
GW2: 116 <—used to be my set weight, so it probably still is
GW3: 112

Fatty Out of Control – Make Way!

Okay whyyy have i been eating everything sight today?!
I often do this when there’s a social outing coming up that I have anxiety towards. I have anxiety towards many social events tbh, but esp. ones where I know I’ll have to show my body.
On Sat is a pool party for my mom’s bday and Sunday is another girls bday party, and we’re going to a nudist beach. Like all of these possibilities for them to see the thunder thighs just panics me, and so then I eat. But its all a subconscious thing. Like I have to think about it, mid-face stuffing, why it is that I’m eating so much, and then I realized its probably the anxiety over the upcoming possibility of showing my body.
This is an issue where I predict the future, accept my prediction as a fact, and allow that to affect my present happiness. I don’t actually know what will happen at the beach. I don’t know if I’ll end up taking off any clothes, I don’t know that I’ll be perceived as fat or as skinny. I don’t know that my body will even be looked at! But its sooo ingrained in my head that my thighs is all my friends will look at…

image

Eeeek that’s my fear. And then they’ll whisper to each other omg shes gained weight! Shes not like us.

I have that body type where I only gain weight in my thighs. I’m tired of trying to hide them, but its also become a habit to try and hide the legs. So I habitually avoid three fourths of my clothing. I haven’t even imagined myself wearing the skinny size 2 pants. Maybe I can imagine it though. Hmm one minute.
Okay how about my red pants that I’ve worn maybe two times in total.

image

Yea that’s pretty thin. I could do it if I just juiced and ate fruit and cooked vegetables only. No cereal and cheeses and nuts and yogurt.
Hmmm.
So yesterday I was 124 and today I’m just a cow so I don’t knowww
Gaaaaah
CW:125?
GW1:120
GW2: 116

See some days I’m a life coach and other days I’m like FML SOMEBODY HELP MEEE
Post your CW and GW and your opinions pleeeaasseee!
I want support, can I have it?!

xo
AB

3Somes!

First Time

So Sunday night was my first lesbian experience! I went out with my bi friend and her girlfriend (who is 11 years older than us and literally is a hotter version of Alex Voss from Orange is the New Black) and we went to the gay bars and in the back of my mind, I was down for a threesome. Seeing as I’ve never had a 3some, ever, it certainly wasn’t old hat. But i think our natural sexuality is understood deep within us, and it’s in every one of us, and is revealed when we set aside fear and judgement. So since I was raised by a Mom who LOVES sex and is bi, I have no sex shame. I mean, i do have sex shame from society, but like I don’t feel guilty when I’m wild and sexually exploratory, because I don’t feel I’m breaking any rules. Like, I know in the back of my head that my parents would be okay with it. And that’s what helps to set me free!

girls kissing

So yea I went down on both of them just to see what it was like, and they both came like super fast haha
They were like amazed that I was so good and I was also amazed that I was so effective. Like I just kept asking wait are you for real? You actually like got off? I think I understand it because with my boyfriend (who I am no longer with, he passed away a little over a year ago) he would explore my body and then tell me what he figured out. Like how he figured out what parts of me turned me on when he touched them or licked them, like nibbling on my ear, or touching.sucking my nipples, etc. He was so advanced in every which way: mentally, socially, sexually… he was just a divine being. He figured things out quickly, like he came into the knowing much quicker than most others. I feel blessed to have been with him.
But the way that he went down on ME, and how he informed me of how my body worked… well I used that knowledge with these girls.
It was kind of funny because my bi friend has been my friend since mid high school, so we’ve been friends like 7ish years, and now I’ve made her cum hahahaha like what on earth. But when my mind starts to drift to that place of like judgement, I bring it back to the experience and the feeling. And forget what society would say or judge. Judgments don’t serve anyone. They cram people down.
I don’t care what a normal “friendship” is supposed to be. I’m not gonna google it either. It’s all opinion, based upon fear. I want to express love however I feel like!
This friend I don’t have sexual attraction to, she’s just fun and sweet and non judgmental. And so it was a learning experience for me more than anything, and for her also. Her gf got off to me just giving her a lap dance too haha, so then I had to teach my friend how to best give her gf a lap dance. I felt so powerful for a moment like wow I really am GOOD at sexuality! And I think we all are, if we feel safe in doing it.

Oh so her gf is just lesbian, not bi,, and she has sex like a guy! Like literally bangs herself against you, even though she has no dick. I was kind of laughing like what, how does this work for you! My mind wandered to the possiblity that she ought to have been born as a guy, like perhaps there was a mess up or something. Because her body is JUST like that of a lean built guy also. And she is suuuper horny and gets off very quickly, and also very messy and just asks her gf to organize everything for her, but in a sweet way, like she seems very much lost without my friend. It was all very endearing. Like I felt like she was a guy. It didn’t feel weird to see two nude girls in bed. It was all very natural.
3some
Apparently the movie Spring Breakers has a 3some with Ashley Benson (good for her!) here’s a pic from it

Anyway, yea, so the next day I asked her if we should tell our friend group. She said she’s not gonna like seek out to tell them, but if they ask, then she’ll tell them. And she asked if that was okay.
I told her at first that I wasn’t sure that I wanted them to know everything. But she helped me to realize that our friends will love us for who we are and accept us for who we are, and if they don’t, then they’ll leave, and that is perfectly okay. Because I’m being AUTHENTIC.
This whole time, I’ve been creating this image for my friends, and allowing them to love that IMAGE of me, instead of all of me. But it’s not real love or friendship if I don’t expose all of me to them. I mean, it probably won’t affect my friendship with them at all, from their perspective they’ll still see me the same, but from MY perspective, I’ll feel better, like I’ll know that I’m being authentic and honest with everyone about who I am, and I’ll know for sure that they love all of me. Not a false projected image of me.


xo
AB

It’s Great to Be Alive!

Today Is Great!

Nekter Juice
Hey skinny and beautiful girls!

So I had some green juice that I had made from 2 days ago again this morning!! Juice is something to have in the mornings and if you want it again, then as a snack in the afternoon, but all done before 4 pm. I just have it in the morning bec it stirs up so much activity in my body that I usually get bloated if I have it randomly mixed in with other food groups. The digestive enzymes just clash with each other and create gas in the stomach. And then I feel fat!
So anyway, I feel great today!! Like what’s so cool about juicing is that I don’t crave sugar. I’ll eat it occassionally but I don’t feel the need to binge, because deep down, my nutrient need is getting met from that juice I think. Also, I feel like the natural hunger hormones of leptin and ghrelin get naturally regulated by the juice. Because I never feel hungry anymore when I juice! I think it’s gently telling my body to not eat so that it can return back to it’s normal set weight of what it wants to be at. Before with all this dieting shit, I was like fighting my body. I was

HUNGRY

and wanted

SUGAR

and now I’m rarely hungry. If I do crave sugar, I know that’s because my body feel like it desperately needs food, so it thinks of the fattiest thing it can find, because that’s the quickest way for it to get the calories that it needs. So since I am aware of that, I’ll often have a bowl of oatmeal
(3/4 cup-1 cup oatmeal with water and heated in the microwave for a minute) with a banana sliced up on top, and that cures the craving for sugar. Almost immediately!

Oatmeal

We’ll see how things keep going! I’m honestly just waiting for something negative to happen because I can hardly believe that things are going so well! It’s like, is this to good to be true? Am I REALLY this happy all day long and eating healthy and never wanting junk, and do I REALLY have soooo much energy?! Especially since I have no job, I normally would be depressed as shit and feel like I have no self worth. Like my job defined me?! It used to be being in school that I also claimed would define my happiness. It’s all in my mind and the way I perceive things though, and it’s also in the way that I eat! THOSE are what determine my happiness. In other words, what I’m learning is, the only thing that really determines my happiness is…
me!!

Also, eating so naturally has awakened my spirituality even more so than ever. It’s like my body is aligning properly at last. When I “interpretive dance” as my bf used to call it, well the moves just flow through me, like I am unblocking something in myself so that a deeper source of creativity is connecting and flowing through me.
It’s amazing and so beautiful!

Dance

I love you all!!

xo
AB

Juicing n Jobs

Hey pretty girls!

So today I made green juice in our juicer:

  • 2 romaine lettuce heads
  • 1 English cucumber
  • 3 stalks celery
  • a handful of kale leaves
  • 1 lemon
  • 1.5 inches of ginger
  • handful of mint leaves

It tastes sour and very healthy. I like drinking raw juice because it has live enzymes from the water inside the plants, and it gets into your body quickly and begins loosening toxins and fat that have been in your body for years!
Also love it because it makes me super regular haha I always have such a flat stomach when I juice and such energy too! Plus my skin glows and people actually compliment it

Me w my juice I made!

If you haven’t juiced before, just be aware that it will shock your system so at first there may be bloating or your skin may break out. These are just the newly loosened toxins trying to escape your system at last! They can be flushed out through your digestive system instead by eating raw foods and drinking a lot of water.
Anyway check out raw food diet on the internet and you’ll find out a lot! Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t! Going just a few days without processed food (at my Mom’s place she doesn’t have anything that isn’t a fruit vegetable nut, or raisins) I genuinely crave fresh raw foods, and processed food looks dead to me. I mean it is dead, its usually brown or white, but vegetables and fruit are bright rainbow colors! I mean, they’re so much better to look at and enjoy!
Raw Foods Detox Diet Book
This book is what I first bought when I was looking into raw foods back in highschool and I still read it and refer back to it constantly!

I got off of raw foods eating because the juicing took some time (about 10-20 minutes including clean up), and I made up excuses for why I didn’t have the time. But somehow I have time for hours of Netflix and movies? Things that make me groggy afterwards? Yea, what an excuse!! I still love TV as much as the next person haha I’m not condemning it for the record. But I made time for that and not for my health and my energy, and now I’m making time for both! Actually right now it’s more about my energy and I haven’t watched TV in a week almost, but that’s fine, I don’t miss it toooooo much. Now I’ll probably go watch it after talking about it haha

Freelee the Banana Girl
Here’s a pic of Freelee the banana girl. I first found her on Instagram a few years ago. This is a picture of part of her countertop. Like she eats a TON of raw foods. Because that’s all that she eats, she can eat a lot of it. No more calorie counting!!

Before and After of Freelee
And here is her before and after’s. She’s got a lot of muscle now and I can honestly say I have that same problem haha which is funny because I never eat meat. So people ask me where I get my protein. Well idk but vegetables and fruit and whole grains MUST have it, because I’m so damnnnn muscular! Sorry I’m not a fan of bulkiness haha I love lean muscle though, I def do!

Okay so my real dilemma right now is that my seasonal job ended, and I didn’t replace it with a new one. I have been avoiding applying to places. Fear. But fear of what? Fear they won’t like me? Fear I’ll be awkward? Maybe a little of those, I’m not sure.
I mean I know I’m awesome (you’re all awesome, it’s not just me!), so yea I guess who wouldn’t want an awesome person to work with them!! With a lot of things in life, I find that thinking about them for too long prevents me from taking action. Jumping into action is what yields happiness and joy for me. You know, like walking into my brother’s room and telling him I love him. Without thinking about it, just doing it impulsively. It feels good, and I wouldn’t have done it if I’d given time to think about it…
So thinking isn’t always good!

I’ve been waffling with the idea of continuing to blog because it seems to take away from appreciating the present when I’m just reflecting back on the past and how my days have gone.
However I love reading other people’s posts so I’m gonna keep this for now!

Let me know how I can improve, or what interests you! I usually feel I’m just preaching to a silent and empty room!

xo
AB

Chocolate Chips and Cookies

Wow i am STILL having the problem of feeling the need to finish food items in the house. Because if I don’t, then no one will. (That’s my belief) And it will sit there for ever and get spoiled, or ignored, and what a waste of food!
>>Like who cares, right? Let the food sit there. If it gets spoiled, then it gets spoiled.
>But then I have to buy new food with my own money!
>>Well you’d have to buy new food eventually anyway…
Bickering voices in my head.
The biggest thing is when I make cookies. I always eat them all. Like way too many in one sitting/in one day. I never feel good about it. Sometimes I don’t feel depressed by it, I just feel full. So then the next time I want to bake, I tell myself, oh yea well it doesn’t always depress me, so I can make them again!

food
No. Seriously no one in my house likes food, so I could start making stuff only that I think they would want. If they don’t like food, then why would I make anything?

ALSO whenever my friends plan a hang out with me, I overthink it, worried that they’ll see my fat body in comparison to their tiny thin bodies, and so as a response, I overeat even more to numb my fears. So I pretty much make that fear a reality. Sounds like if I dissolve the fear, then I won’t make something so unwanted into a reality.
Okay let me talk myself through it:
I acknowledge that I feel fat in front of my friends. That’s okay. I am fatter than they are. That’s okay. I accept that. Now I’d like to transform this energy into useful energy. I’d like to be thin as well. Its okay if I am fat but it’s okay if I am skinny also. It’s okay. It is all okay.

Hmm I think i actually feel better now. At least that helps the mental health, if nothing else!

xo
AB

P.S. Thinspo for the post
thin

Am I Social Yet?

Waddup y’all sooo it’s been awhile!
With the exception of the depressing weekend where I first binge ate cookies and then spent the next two days sleeping so that I could avoid eating (with the help of some nice sleeping pills), life has otherwise been good! Life is only good when I socialize though. I’ve always walked around with these labels I put on myself as being “socially awkward” or “afraid of people”. (Hey as a child, I truly was afraid of saying hello to my own friends, unless they said it first).
IMG_1980.JPG
Aah yes, a pretty girl so alone and shy

But bec I felt I was antisocial, I often tried to convince myself that I preferred being alone to spending time with people. But when I actuallyyyy consciously observed myself and my moods… I’m always so DAMN happy after I spend time with my friends! Or after I have meaningful talks with strangers. Liiiike can’t ignore the signs, yo. I guess I’m not actually better when alone. I’m better when surrounded by people!

IMG_1981.JPG
Anddd with friends, don’t they look so much happier?!

IMG_1982.JPG
Or model friends, as the case may be. Who knew they were bests?

So my mom and I went to a meetup.com bonfire at the beach last night, it was a full moon bonfire, and it was the first time I’ve ever been to a meetup group! So I wanted to instinctively go for the cop-out in my head of: “yea I’m socially awkward, I won’t have fun at this”. I voiced this to my mom. She said, create a possibility for yourself at this meetup. What possibilities would you like to create for yourself here?
Oh my mom is so wise. Anyway, a possibility I could create could have been: I’d like to meet a stranger. Or I’d like to get someone’s number. Or I’d like to have a conversation with someone. But I stated getting afraid and just blocked these all out of my mind. But we kept walking up to the group, and after my mom said a few words to some people next to us, we decided to just stand there In the circle, and soon enough, people came up to us! The conversation was awkward and forced at first, but it was okay because I decided that I would allow the other people to carry the conversation for once. I wasn’t gonna be the damn entertainment of the night, like usual, I was gonna let them entertain me!!

IMG_1975.JPG

I ended up having a convo w a guy I actually thought was cute (until 2 minutes in when he asked me what type of car I have and if I share it with anyone, like maybe my mom for instance?) and we went in the ocean together at 9 at night! While this other random drunken guy in his like 50s held my shirt for me and watched us go in haha he was like just happy in his own drunken world. And the cute guy asked for my number, but i have to say he lost his cuteness because his face actually got scary looking when he smiled, it was like a weird forced smile. and the convo did not flow at all. It was aaaaalll pretty damn forced. Hmm maybe he hadn’t taken a shit in a while so he was like super uptight. Eek haha well there you have it folks!!

The night was a success though because I’ve never been sober and spoken to a new romantic interest. I’m always drunk and at a bar normally! Or drunk at the beach. So that was progress for me!
Oh also forgot to mention this girl randomly points at me and said that I was the smallest so they should pick me. The task was to lift me up and have me sit on someone’s shoulders so that I could tie a lantern to the top of the tent. They needed a light over the food tent and no one was tall enough to reach. So yea this big buff guy like put his head between my legs and lifted me up haha it was the scariest shit of my life like whaaa you’re putting your head in my crotch?! So I was shaking the whole time but it was a lot of teamwork. Oh here’s pics of the incident:

IMG_1978.JPG

IMG_1976.JPG

Yesterday I ate not much. 2 cups Watermelon, 2 apples, 200 cals of cereal and a tall green tea latte with soy milk from Starbucks. Two chips w hummus on them and a slice of someone’s homemade pumpkin bread.
Today I ran a mile on the treadmill at an incline of 4.0, and biked 10 minutes on the stationary bike with a resistance of 8-9 the whole time.
Ate:
1/4 cup of fresh beet juice (25 cals)
about 1 cup of walnuts (650 cals)
About 1/2 cup of raisins (200 cals)
1 apple (80 cals)

And my abs are more pronounced now. Love eating healthy but even more importantly, I love people!! People are what make me feel complete. Not my weight. People.
Although in regards to my weight: I’ll post that tomorrow when I’m back at my dads and have a scale!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! ❤

xo
AB

Sickness as a Result of Starving

Today I was rlly sick, weird bec I’m neverr sick. Like severe migraine and such cramping in my back!
Yesterday I did some squats and things to work out my butt and quads, and these high intensity exercises really cramp up my muscles. Like the muscles roll up really tightly in the hamstrings, so today it was so tightly wound bec I never stretched I think, and it extended up through my back. I was bed ridden literally all day!! I even texted my mom to come and give me a massage, but she said it would take her a few hours and suggested Tylenol in the meantime. So after I popped that, I was feelin good! Btw, I understand why people get addicted to pain killers now! A nice numbing chill feeling.

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So I realized every time I extreme diet I get sick easily. My friends who forget to eat all the time, well they get sick a lot, and now I just realized perhaps if the body is not getting enough nutrients, then the immune system isn’t strong enough and there just isn’t enough energy to do the normal body processes. Like normally after I work out a lot, I consume bananas (just something that’s always in the house) and the potassium in those prevent muscle cramping. But now since IVe been eating nothing, I think my body’s been nutrient deficient, and therefore I have all these bizarre sicknesses suddenly. Idk if this interest you guys, but I find nutrition somewhat interesting!
Ate today:
1 banana (100)
2 apples (85×2= 170)
3/4 cup oatmeal w/ 1 tbsp brown sugar and 1 tbsp butter (350)
Evening:
Baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies – 6 NOO idea how many cals

IDK who reads these posts and perhaps no one does, but I create the idea in my mind that a lot of people are reading this, so that holds me accountable. I don’t want to look bad in front of a lot of people, and I did promise that I would be honest with what I eat!

Thanks for being here ❤
xo
AB