Self Improvement

Hey girls,
So I went to a self improvement workshop last weekend, called Landmark Forum and it changed my life! As short as my life may be thus far haha also I was so focused on loving people that my desire to eat entirely vanished for 5 days!

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A quick thing about it, bec I am so excited by it:
It was $575, which scares away most people my age. Or most people in general. They will say its expensive. Its expensive compared to what? To a plane ticket to new York for a vacation that lasts a few days? To the $400 iPad you bought that is now broken/falling apart? This is self improvement that empowers us and lasts a lifetime 🙂 plus it keeps on giving.  I feel empowered by it, and now I try to empower other people in my life. And they then try to empower their family members. Its nice to spread love, it really is!!

What I learned from this forum is to be authentic (honest) with everyone. Part of being honest is removing the excuses and finding that we really do love everyone, and the moment we tell them we love them and are authentic with them… we are set free.

After the forum, i felt like this bird

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Okay so I haven’t been paying attention to what i eat lately like my desire to connect with people and tell them I love them is so strong, and so much more satisfying than food. So when I eat its generally with people, out of necessity bec its prob been awhile since I last ate, but not bec of my usual desire to stuff my feelings…

However today at work someone left a platter full of soft cookies so I’m eating those rn. Feeling somewhat bad about it. Is literally been months since I’ve eaten a cookie. And they’re not satisfying! Oatmeal and walnuts taste so much better! But you know, I am by myself at work and I have no legit escuse. I ate cookies because I ate cookies. No other reason than that (that’s something we learned in the landmark forum)

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Anyway I actually think I’ve lost some weight although I’ve avoided the scales. Whenever I weigh myself, I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a lot shortly thereafter. Either bec I don’t like my weight, or bec I do like it and so now I have permission to eat. I know I have the power to change that habit, but either way, I’m avoiding it!! Haha isn’t that funny, I eat my feelings, regardless of what the scale actually says
Comment pleeaaasseee!!

xo
AB

Are We Good Enough to be Loved?

Although my page says that I’m loving my way to thin…. right now I’m hating myself to fat. All because I bought damn ice cream again, and now feel I must eat it all.
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Okay this picture scares the hell out of me. Sometimes fat girl pics are funny, but this gives me anxiety and like HOLY SHIT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE. How do you girls feel when you see this pic?

Seriously I’ve been indulging and buying ice cream at the store. We normally rarely have sweets at the house. Like my whole childhood my Mom was hardcore anti sugar. But she’d buy sugar for herself and hide it in various places throughout the house. And scream bloody murder whenever my brothers and I would find it and eat some. Anyway, whenever I buy any sweets, I feel it is my job to eat all of them. Not in the same day, but certainly in the next 2 days, have healthy helpings of it. Even when I’m not craving it at all! Why is it that I feel I need to finish everything off? Especially every food item that I buy with my own money, I feel that I simply cannot “waste” it, so I always stuff my face, until the container is all gone. I don’t even leave leftovers.

I’m just depressed and unhappy. And no one is in my life to take on my moods, to handle them.. I have a best friend who has a busy life and lives with her boyfriend, they just moved 45 minutes away and I cannot afford the gas money to drive down to visit her, so I am entrapped at my Dad’s place, far away from her. And tbh I DON’T LIKE ONLY HAVING ONE BEST FRIEND. Like I make other girl friends but they’re all busy and work a ton and it just feels like no one has time for me. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a week which has been nice because being around her, I feel like I have to dim my inner light (she’s single and competes with me for guys, she dates guys my age).So it’s healthier for me to be far away from her, bec I feel suicidal if i’m around her too much.

Speaking of suicide, I noticed a lot of people’s blogs speak of depression and self hate mixed with ana, and I think I understand it. I think many people grew up thinking they’re not good enough, simply bec. parents mess up (not on purpose, they do the best they can) and they don’t show us enough love. Maybe they needed to be more affectionate and give us more kisses and hugs, maybe they needed to tell us more often “honey, you ARE good enough”, maybe they needed to be home more often and talk to us about our feelings so that we felt more important and valid and understood.
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But through compliments and praise, we do feel love. So perhaps as a child, strangers would praise us by saying “my you are so pretty”, or they tell your parents: “your daughter is so beautiful!” That compliment would make us feel good, a nice contrast to how we normally felt. So now we are still thinking deeper down: well I am not truly lovable…but people keep telling me I’m pretty, so that must mean that as long as I look pretty, then I can trick people into wanting me. I can get that love I so desperately need from people! I just need to stay pretty and skinny.
But if the prettiness fades, if  fat takes over, then our self worth goes to shit. it feels like: holy S, I lost my facade, now no one will want me now because they’ll see me for who I really am, which is that I’m not good enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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All this stuff I just wrote, disclaimer, I’m not this wise, I learned this from a, let’s call him a life coach, who is a friend of my Mom’s. He took a course on dissolving unhealthy beliefs, and taught me about our false beliefs -how they create our reality, and that we perceive everything based upon our belief systems. It just made sense to me, although at first I didn’t like what I was hearing. I didn’t realize that I truly didn’t think I was lovable or good enough – until I thought about it for a few weeks, and realized it was true. The reason why I won’t let strangers close to me, why I avoid people if I eat a lot, why I am TERRIFIED of dating anyone…. because deep down, I don’t think I am lovable as I am. I believe I am not lovable, and so I’ve been creating this reality, where no one loves me. Because I don’t allow them to.

This life coach also tried to tell me that I am perfect AS I AM, and we are all perfect as we are. The pursuit of an unreal physical perfection or perfection in our jobs, etc…. it isn’t necessary, because how we are right now, in this moment, is perfect. Everyone fat or skinny, is perfect. (We were working on that particular concept bec that was one of my belief systems, and still is, that I believe I must be perfect in order for people to like me, or love me). So he told me I am good enough right now, as I am… but it is EASIER EFFING SAID THAN DONE. Or in this case, easier said than believed!
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Okay seriously I was feeling a lot worse than I even let on in this post, but don’t want to bore you all. I just like feel like I quickly lose motivation to be thin, and it feels like the SLIGHTEST thing shifts my routine, so I don’t ever have a set schedule, therefore I get off track so easy. Like every time I hang out w my youngest brother or with my best friend, I am filled with happiness again and then I decide to eat a lot while with them. They don’t necessarily eat much, I always eat the most. It’s like I’m eating my joy. I could just not eat, but in the moment I’m always like who gives an F about restricting, I just am feeling LOVE right now, and that’s all I want, so I’m gonna immerse myself in the love.

I often despise being needy, but I also often find it funny that I am needy, and will text my friends I miss you I need you where da heeelllll are you?! And I know they find it funny and endearing, bec it makes them feel wanted, and important. But friendship cannot replace romance. Unless I tried to pursue a relationship w my friends. And no I’m too scared to try that haha i feel that my best friend and I are on the same wavelength and have been since we met 10 years ago, but we were both born as girls so either that means I’m meant to cross that bridge and do the unthinkable and be bi, or that we are destined to have a lasting friendship. Who knows, I think we create our own destiny constantly. So if I wanted to make it bi, then I could. She’d be down probably, she’s a super sexual person. But if I want to keep it in the safe zone, I can do that too. It is fun kissing girls, I do it a lot at bars, esp to get guy’s attention bec they freaking fall all over themselves to watch. And girls are good kissers, and they’re not aggressive and certainly don’t grope me like guys ALWAYS do!  But anyway, see told you, that I would diverge.
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And also curious how this pic makes everyone feel?

From a psych textbook I had in college, a research study showed that girls get turned on by all photos and videos that are sexual, whether its guy on guy, guy on girl, or girl on girl! Interesting.
Sexually experimenting is something I want to do at this point in my life, I’ve just been holding back a lot. I’ve always been hardcore straight and only into buff blonde guys with blue eyes, and they cannot be taller than 6′-0. Although I am still freaking type A about what kind of guys I’m into, it feels safe to explore with girls, any type of girl, bec girls won’t hurt me. Maybe bec I’m not truly that into them, so I’m not worried about rejection, like it wouldn’t hurt me much if they denied me. I also think that the reasoning behind why we do stuff isn’t always important, let’s just try something because it awakes a curiosity in us. I think life is playful and I just want to partake in it. No fear PLEASEEE.

Anyway, motivation tips please?!!!!!!!! It’s not so hard to diet if I avoid all people, but i WORK EVERY EFFING DAY at a job that I hate simply bec it’s sooo unstimulating. But anyway, so I can’t stay locked away in my room, so dieting is more challenging. I think I’m coming up with a million excuses. Someone please stop this rant. I’m ridiculous.

COMMENT GAAALLLLSSSS I love your posts! 

CW: 124.5

GW1: 120 *CHANGED IT SO I CAN AT LEAST ACCOMPLISH ONE SOON

GW2: 115

GW3: 110

xo AB

Exercise Struggles

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CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110
SO CONFUSED HOW I LOST WEIGHT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD lolz

Anyway that seems to be the case lately, my body is like on a 2 day delay of what I do!

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So this morning around 9, I went on a run to the beach and back, interspersed with some walking and pauses.
And BY THE WAY, it was suuuper hard to make myself go aaaaah
In fact, I’ve been planning on doing a beach run for the last few weeks, but always get too scared to!! Like okay what’s so scary about exercising? I don’t know!!  Ive been thinking about it for a while, and I think it may be that we have EXPECTATIONS of how much we need to work out beforehand. So we’re afraid to even exercise because we have such high expectations that we’ve created for ourselves to meet, that the whole idea of working out becomes daunting and scary. So I guess every now and again I want to check myself and ask wait WHY does this make me feel so afraid, what does this mean?

That’s something fun to work on too, if you notice that something scares you, just be aware of that, ask yourself why, and then make yourself do it!

Okay wow why am I always some damn life coach over here. Once I get started I just keep going like that Energizer bunny… Yes I’ve also been called that way too many times. New Halloween costume idea.

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I’ll be wearing those shades too.

And after i went to the beach w my best, it was really a good time, socializing always lifts me up for the rest of the day! We discussed our job dilemmas bec in our early 20’s, i feel like girls all feel so lost on their journey. Esp for girls who always aimed to please growing up. Now without school, there are no rules to follow, and it feels like we have to suddenly man up and be more aggressive to go after jobs. Changing who we are. Its scary sheeet!

Aanddd we did go to Souplantation after which is a buffet in case it is foreign to you. It wasn’t a huge issue though I ate mostly salad and some bread stuff but not enough to be too much. Still less than what I used to eat in a day, is my consolation. And also bec I lost weight today I feel like safe to eat. Maybe I’ll start weighing every other day bec right now… its yo-yoing all over the place.
DOES ANYONE EVEN READ MY POSTS?!!! Seriously I lovee reading your comments and your pages too. No ghosts! 🙂

CW: 121.5
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

xo AB

Fattttt

So today I went to the beach after work, my dads house is a few blocks from it so I went by myself and splashed aroind in the waves for 10 minutes. It was marvelous! Every time those waves hit me, the smile I get just lights up my face!

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I took this pic today!

So I felt the most in shape of the other women @ the beach, but that’s because they’re older/have had children already so they have an excuse. I’m still 23 and just like to eat when bored lolz.

Anyway, came home and decided well why not just eat junk food. I’m not sure why exactly I wanted to start, I think I felt some shame of my thghs walking around in a swimsuit, so I fed that shame with more food, bec I use food as a numbing mechanism sometimes.. So I binged on a cup of ice cream, chocolate chips and quesadillas. But I don’t purge because that, I’ve noticed, makes me feel utterly worthless for up to two weeks after. Just binge.

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So either way I wasn’t gonna even write it on here bec I’m ashamed, and it’s super easy for me to feel like I have some sort of image to keep up… I write on here like how I text my friends, with the same honesty. But I’m not THIS honest w my friends when it brings me serious shame.
Bingeing = shame

But I love you guys and truly don’t want to hide myself. I’m trying to remain transparent like Scotch tape.

How do u guys prevent emotional eating?!

xo AB

Weak Stomach

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Soooo what the heck, after my dinner last night I felt unsettled, like it was just floating at the top of my stomach but not absorbing… And then around midnight while I was tossing uncomfortable a wave of nausea came over me and I sprinted to the bathroom just in time to throw up! First time in years where I threw up without making myself… So that was disappointing because I really wanted the vitamins from the broccoli and eggs to help my hair! *sigh*
I think vegetables are harder on the body to digest, as are acidic foods like fruit. But as a kid when I was sick and couldn’t keep anything down, my mom would make me oatmeal or Cream of wheat with water or hot milk, and that always stayed down. So now I’m thinking hot oatmeal made with water and some almond milk is what I gotta eat from now on. It’s filling and good for the body, and actually absorbs! It’s hard to walk around with an empty stomach all the time and then suddenly eat a ton of broccoli I guess. It was too much of a shock!

Anyway now I’m having to eat all this oatmeal to calm my stomach which literally feels like I got alcohol poisoning, u know, when your body rejects everything u put into it bec it’s trying to get the toxin out. Setback!!

Love everyone out there, keep fighting the battle!
I will be thin.
Comment your CW & GW’s, I want to connect with you!
xo AB

CW: 126.4

GW1: 115
GW2: 110

Hair Falling Out?! Here’s my Cure :)

Hair

Hey y’all so I’ve had this issue where my hair falls out and it’s been doing this for like 4 years… I always eat super healthy but I’m vegetarian so apparently don’t get the protein needed to make Keratin, which is 90% of what our hair is made up of I guess. My hair dresser has been getting on my case and had me sign up for hair skin and nail vitamins from ItWorks!, this website that has diet vitamins and shit.

So it hasn’t made a difference so far and it’s been a month… so I took matters into my own hands and looked up how to naturally build up Keratin. Because as I’ve often heard, the vitamin business is the biggest scam. Our bodies can’t really absorb what’s in pill form so well. So I found that the combo of Vitamin C and protein eaten together is what will both put keratin in your body, and break it down for your body to use. Apparently broccoli, kale, and brussel sprouts have a lot of Vitamin C, as well as soymilk. As for protein, I hard boil eggs, but dairy products like yogurt and cottage cheese also work well.

Broccoli
So today for dinner I steamed 2 heads of broccoli, put lemon on it, and hard boiled 3 eggs. OMGGG THE BROCCOLI TASTES AMAZING. I couldn’t get enough!! I just realized that although I considered myself organic and healthy and shit, it’s super easy to forget to eat vegetables aside from the lettuce in salad. I guess my body really was craving that broccoli. Imma have to buy more tomorrow…

Apparently one full head of broccoli = 98 cals, but I threw away the stalk, which makes up almost half the calories. Both the stalk and the florets are equally nutritious I guess.

So fairly low cal and it’s filled with vitamins which is important because I don’t want to have sallow skin or go bald just bec I’m losing weight!

And for a nice laugh for you all, if anyone has seen White Chicks, this scene is hilarious but also reminds me of Ana, and in the end of the day, I actually hope I don’t see myself so falsely as she does!

xo AB

Being Easy on Myself & Triggers?

Note of Thanks

So first I want to say how much i appreciate you girls, and the wonderful support network you give!! I seriously love this community, it makes me feel super a part of something and not alone! My friends simply would NOT understand my food situations, but you girls do!

Is There Such Thing as a Trigger?

So after the group BBQ which surprisingly I got away with eating not much… I decided to go to the gym for a quick swim before coming home. It was actually suuuper refreshing I only swam like 5-10 laps (i count a lap as there and back), and showered there. Then I came home and saw pizza that my Dad had left out for whoever wanted it – and I decided to eat more. *sigh*  However, it felt like I was very much aware of what I was doing. Like I didn’t feel out of control, it was just like oh hey there’s pizza here, I’ll have a slice. Or two. And eat it slowly. And then some ice cream sundae after. And then Cinnamon Life cereal with some melted chocolate on it. haha oh noooo, reading this, maybe I am creating an illusion in my head that I was in control! Okay I said I would be honest so now I’m being honest! Wow this is really hard for me to just admit it all.
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So yea like in retrospect not the healthiest to eat it all, but I’m trying to not freak out on myself. Because from prior experience, if I freaked out that I ate all that, then I would immediately hate myself and feel suicidal. So at least today I’m not suicidal lolz. Not happy with the food I ate but also I thiiink I will be okay, ESPECIALLY because of the wonderful support network you guys give me!!

The whole trigger thing is interesting though. Many say oh shiiiit I started eating and now I simply cannot stop! But we can all stop. Proof: if you can’t stop, then you’d be on a straight eating binge for years, no sleep, no breaks…. So eventually we always stop! For me, I think eating at the BBQ lowered the barrier between me and food, so it made it easier for me to begin eating more. But it was not out of my control! So I didn’t even finish the Chex with chocolate because I was okay with the eating, and not hating myself for it. Being OKAY with it made it super easy to stop part way through.

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I think what also helped me stop is that i ate slowly and just checked in with myself like okay this is what I’m doing right now, be aware that I am eating all this junk and be aware of WHY I am eating it. Sooooo I try not to feel that there are any “triggers” because that’s like saying that everything is out of your control, and ANY and EVERYthing can cause you to relapse!  Eating disorders aside, all disorders have common themes in them. Skin picking, alcoholism, drug use, etc… all have “triggers”.  I personally don’t want to spend my life dancing around a mine field of triggers, with fear that I’ll accidentally step on one and then internally blow up! Like that’s no way to live, living in fear?!

I’ve read that the opposite of fear is love. So if we’re not doing something out of love, then we’re doing it out of fear. Well yea, I’m trying not to live in fear.

Easier said than done y’all. ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK AT THAT SCALE OMG FEAR FEAR FEAR. NO LOVE THERE!

What are your thoughts cuties?! I’m just a preacher with not much experience, I bet you all know far more about this than I do! Write your CW & GW also if u have one 🙂

CW: 127.6

GW1: 115

GW2: 110

xo AB

Dieting in Social Settings

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Social gatherings centered around food are situations I’ve always disliked. Why not have group hiking, group cliff jumping into the water, group something that’s not about stuffing your face? I feel like doing active things is truly living, but escaping into food… Is not. Group food gatherings are just something people have done for so long that they continue the habit, but its not a healthy habit to me.

So my best friend’s family is having a BBQ by her new pool and we are all expected to come because her boyfriend who I’ve never met will be there. They’ve been dating almost 3 years, mostly long distance, so he’s pretty important to her. But I don’t want to eat. Especially not around my skinny model- look-alike friends!
They all just have very thin body types naturally, are 5′ 9- 5′-11, and are not too into working out. Nor do they prioritize eating healthy. But I think they just are not huge fans of food so they don’t eat much on a regular basis… Food is not their go-to stress reliever like it has been for me. So I’m the off one out because I am the shortest 5′-5.5″, and I get muscle super easily. So im always working out daily and like bickering with food while they’re just gracefully sailing by haha

The girl who is hosting this BBQ is annoyingly obsessive with making sure people around her eat. She’s really really thin, has a boyish figure (no curves at all) and is Chinese and Filipino. And in the Filipino culture… you stuff your face. Especially at family gatherings.
I see it as unhealthy when one concerns themselves with other peoples affairs and tries to control them i.e. tells them to eat more or tells them to stop being so loud in public places… And I’ve told her twice now that I don’t like it when she makes me feel guilty for not eating the same junk that she eats (it took a lot of courage for me to say something). So she said okay, she understood that her and I just ate differently, but still she often rolls her eyes when I decline food because I have a 400 cal frappuccino that I’m currently drinking. She says that’s a drink, not food. Its like okay well I’m pretty sure this drink is more cals than your entire meal so why don’t you stfu?!!
Anyway, that’s what I’m concerned about at this damn BBQ because we must prance around in our bikinis but also stuff our faces. I’m down to do the first, but not the second!

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We are all free and in charge of ourselves and no one else! For all of you who feel like repressed or confused bec the people around you are telling you that you’re being unhealthy or healthy… That is NOT their place to decide! Some say that me exercising every day is unhealthy bec its “obsessive”, while others say its very healthy and necessary in order to keep up the endorphins and have a happy mind. But i try to listen to my body and my mind… What feels right for me. I noticed I feel severely depressed and fat if I don’t do cardio for just one day, so if I want to be happy every day, then I do some cardio every day. Just 15 minutes is all I need to feel happy and not guilty! Someone could say that’s unhealthy thinking, but their opinions do not matter bec what matters is that I am happy with myself!
Anyway, I have issues haha and I am not looking forward to this BBQ. I am because I love my friends, but I am not looking forward to having some awk battle w my friend over what I eat. If she does try to say something I’ll have to remind her that she is in control of her life as I am in control of mine!
CW: 123
GW1: 115
GW2: 110

Plan ahead

I like this so much because she has created rules. When life becomes chaotic and we are not sure what to do and what’s the right path anymore, joining a system that has rules that guarantee a good end result feels like such a relief. It feels like such security.
I think its important to have stability SOMEWHERE in our lives. If there is none at home, then dieting creates this stability. 💗💜

LittleAna

imagePlan ahead your meals of the week or count the amount of calories you should consume. It should range between 350 to 650 calories a day.

The best way to succeed is to cut on fatty, sugary food. Only eat veggies and fruits. No bread or meat!

You have to eat enough calories to not die in 3 days and still being able to manage to loose weight.

Also put guilt in your heart when you eat to much!

Try to drink fizzy water so it simulates the feeling of being full.

make yourself some big quantity of food to eat for 3-4 days, like a soup for example.

For dinner. You can try to take a veggie soup with lots of water, spices, veggies (no potatoes), salt, no oils and just blend it all.

At lunch time you can make a carrot salad (shredded carrot, lemon juice and salt)…

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weight loss


So I need some serious help in losing and maintaining weight loss.
I understand that I’ve been using food for comfort when I’m in emotional distress but the past few months I’ve become vividly aware that it doesn’t make me feel better. Art and design seem better outlets, but I only start a project before thinking in a self defeatist way “What’s the point of this again?”, and go back to eating random things from the cupboards.
I want to be thinner so my old clothes will fit, so I will fit in better with my super thin tall best friends, and so that I have more confidence in myself. When I was with my boyfriend, I weighed 115-118 on average and at the lowest point, 111. Since he’s died a little over a year ago, I’ve put on a good amount of weight from eating my feelings late at night… I work out in the day, but it just does not cancel out. As many of you probably know.
I don’t like it!
Butterfly treePost your tips and your CW and GW!
Current weight: 125.7
GW1: 120
GW2: 115