So a lot of sexual awakening has been happening in me the past 2 weeks, because I’ve been allowing it finally! Two weeks ago I had a 3some with my good friend and her new girlfriend, and this weekend I went to a gay bar and then 2 strip clubs w my mom and her friend and my friend, and then spontaneously joined a bachelor party that we met at the first strip club, hopped on their party van and went back with them to their beach mansion where we all hung out and talked and took Molly, and just stayed up all night talking and laughing. It was so fun!!
So being at the strip clubs made me realllyyy want to dance, because I feel so empowered when I dance, like give lap dances or just dance sexually. So I gave my friend a lap dance at the first one and then got a stern reprimand from the bouncer, and at the second one gave this hot guy from the bachelor party a lap dance and also got a talking to from a black bouncer haha
But anyway, try doing everything in a more sexual way! I read from this spiritual book that was channeled, that higher conscious beings integrate sexuality into all that they do, because sexuality is the core of our power. So I’ve been slowly doing everything more sexually: the way I walk, the way I smoke hookah, the way I eat Jello shots… Just doing it all very seductively, when I feel so inclined, and it feel so EFFING EMPOWERING like when guys and girls stare at me longingly, and then look away so I don’t catch them haha
And in terms of seeing other people be sexual… I love that! I still remember one girl in highschool was really pretty and thin, and she got up to walk to the front of the class to pick up her graded test, and I really wanted her to walk with her head up, with confidence, because it would go well with her beautiful body. And then she walked with her head down and sort of rushed up and back, and I could feel her discomfort. And it made me sad/frustrated, like dammit, I really wanted you to walk with confidence. Just because I love to look at it!
The way the models walk, with their arms up in the air… well that’s how I like to dance. Just feel the freedom and energy flowing through me. And for some reason it really draws people to me to watch like WOW. I think they’re not even sure what they love about it, but I’ve been theorizing that it’s my freedom that they’re drawn to.
Possibly Wild Job
And now what I’d like to say is that I realize I want a job where I’m dancing. A go-go dancer or a stripper job. Like I love being watched, but I’m also okay dancing with no one in the room, just because I love that I’m expressing myself through dance. The energy flows through me and it’s often a spiritual experience.
I went to a polyamory workshop with my mom last night, and talked to a guy there who had also gone to the Landmark Forum with me, and I asked him how hes changed since going to it. Hes buff and sort of short and has square glasses and has that look about him like one of those ppl who works at Apple. So he said he always had this idea that he needed to design Apps for Apple and stuff, but he always would put off applying and pursuing. He then realized its because it wasn’t what he truly wanted, but he was trying to do those jobs because that’s what he thought his friends and family wanted him to do. So he completely went a diff way and started a nutrition business of sorts.
So I told him about stripping/go-go dancing, and he told me that he saw that the common theme for me was that I liked to dance, so what did I want to create for myself in my life where I could use dance? Because I could be a stripper if I wanted, he said, just try it out, but I could also create my own job/experience. Like I don’t have to fit into one of the roles that my surroundings already have a place for. Strippers and go-go dancers already have a place held open for them in society. These jobs were created by someone at one point, to fulfill a need/desire.
Well then, why not create my own – something new – based upon what I want, and how I feel?! CREATE MY OWN?! I love it!! I feel overwhelmed a bit at the prospect of creating a new website or a new job outlet where I’d use my dancing in a new way, that hasn’t been done before. But why not get paid for that? Because honestly, people do love watching me do it, and honestly, I do love doing it. So it’s a win-win right?
So after the poly workshop, I told my mom last night that I wanted to be a stripper and I was laughing and so she was laughing too and then getting serious, then laughing again, bec she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. But then she was cool with it (as I knew she would be, bec she’s one of the most sexual ppl I know) and then said that she wants to be one too so we’ll have to strip at different clubs haha
My mom makes a good income, is middle class and works as a consultant, and has an awesome boss and a lot of freedom in her job and so her boss is very aware of her sexuality and stuff, but he’s cool with it haha
So i think she wouldn’t really pursue it, because she’s not as passionate about dance as I am. She expresses her sexuality through actual sex. Probably explains why she has sex with sooo many men.
Anyway, yep, that’s where my mind has been lately!
Oh and with the food thing, I’ve been eating more on and off, and it is more out of of boredom now than because of stress or anxiety. So I think that’s a good change although honestly I question a lot, do I REALLY want to be thin? Bec if I did, wouldn’t I be eating less? One possibility: it’s easy for me to be skinny, its harder for me to gain weight, so I’m trying to challenge myself by gaining. How do I switch that mindset? It’s harder for me to work out a lot I guess. Like that is a challenge. Not the being skinny part, but the working out part.
Perhaps my goal can be that, and not the body part.
Love you all!
Let me know what you think of all this 🙂